Friday, July 18, 2014

Power of Positive Definitions

Life has been unusual and changed a lot since April. April seems like a different life! Mainly my work life has changed. At times between April and July I have thought about dropping my emotions, thoughts and ideas here but I have held back.  No real reason... it was just intense and I could not take on even more intensity by writing about it. It was like a wound, an open sore, painful and itchy and uncomfortable and not really something I wanted to poke at again and again. I decided at some point there that I was in a lot of pain emotionally and decided to meet with a therapist whom I am still seeing. It is hard because I am unsure if it is the right thing for me to do but I want to keep doing it, to see it through for me. I started out seeing this therapist about my relationship with my mom and family but it has turned to me more and more. I think it is scary to expose myself in ways I am not sure I want to but I feel like at forty I am on the precipice of change. I need to talk to someone who can take apart what I am feeling and help me to reconstruct it. I also needed an escape from the depression that seems to invade my life nearly constantly.

To that end, I was given the chance to change my role at work. I went from being an recruiter/consultant to being on our business development team part time 25 hours a week with an solid hourly wage and the hours are defined by me.  It is definitely not where I see myself five years from now but I do not have the same drive and motivation to be a recruiter any more so I feel this is a fair transition for me. I have significantly reduced my stress levels in terms of work and to some degree the money side of things should increase my stress levels but I am trying with all of my heart to quiet the noise in my head about this. It also helps that we paid off our mortgage the same week I decided to go part time - it was our only major debt/loan so we freed up a huge chunk of our money. I have found myself thinking about what is most important to me in terms of work.  I want a great team environment, I want fun, positive team players, I want a comfortable steady income (ie: NOT on a draw), and I want excellent health benefits.  When the right thing comes my way I will know it. Until then I am just trying to enjoy the choice I made which I do honestly feel is a good one.

One thing I have been working on in my life is the power of positive thoughts. My entire life has been a series of buts and what if's and if I only's.  I am frankly ready to change my life and make it more inwardly and outwardly positive. I have had more time to step back and listen to my kids.  This made me realize that my constant negative undertone was pervasive. I have been teaching the kids my positive thought BUT material.  I do not have one defining story - it just the attitude and yes they say but a lot.  I am working on cutting myself off at the but stage.  Stay happy with what I have.  The positive is just the positive.  I do not need to say 'I am sorry but'. I have been working on this exercise for a couple of weeks and it is really hard. I have lived an entire lifetime one way and now I am trying to do it another way.  It is interesting as I listen more closely to my internal self how that one positive but five negatives thing shoves me headlong into a depressive state too. I think at this point my main goal is to tap into the positive me that exists under the layers of negative. I have for several years found that I did this with work. I love my job or I love where I work BUUUUT... In fact, work became my biggest priority the past few years and there was inverse relation going on there.

I was working harder, worrying about work all of the time, trying to make work work for me, making myself sick and tired and stressed out about work and I was doing worse and worse at work.  Now there is more at work (heh, pun) than just not being successful at work but the lack of success at work is the part I find worth mentioning. The more I failed, the more I felt like a failure. The ultimate failure was giving it up for something "less". K told me that if I took this lesser position I was not allowed to say I failed but that is how I have felt. Like a giant red rubber stamp on my ten plus years at this job: FAILED.  It went along with all of the other FAILED rubber stamps I felt I had in my life: FAILED relationships, FAILED swimming, FAILED school.  Okay not really because I have a fantastic relationship with K and various other friends and family but I can only see the failures like my Mom or various odd friendships that in hindsight were... odd. I swam for 14 years USS to college - not everyone can say that but I was very good at it, I was average. I graduated from HS and college twice (BS, MPA) but I went to an eh school and I was an average student.  See how that but thing works in my life.  Rounding back to the sense of failure at work, I am working on learning that my work does not necessarily define me. I have so many other things that define me beyond any job or work that I do in this life.  So I am working hard to let that rubber stamp FAILED go. It is not true and I am survivor. I am stronger than I perceive myself to be.  Now I just need to believe in that!

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Finding My Way...

I always like an unexpectedly hard workout.  I find myself dragging myself to get to the workout part of my evening but once I do, once I get moving, I am excited and into it.  It helped that I had Survivor to keep me entertained for most of it!  My legs are sore today and I feel tired. I think the feeling tired part comes from emotional stuff I am fighting with.

The thing with emotional stuff is several folds. I am finding myself unable to control my emotions the past few months – like the outbursts from me are downright strong and angry and tearful… to the point where I have decided, after several years of weighing this thought, to see a therapist.  I just cannot go on like this nor do I want to go on like this.  I feel like it will help me to get out of the emotional tunnel of hell I have walking in for months now. 

I also realized in the past I turned to alcohol. For instance, if I was having a rough day, I felt I deserved a beer or two.  Since I have removed that option, I know that I have to deal with things on their own and well let’s face is alcohol dulls things, numbs me to the feelings, and makes me feel a little out of it so that I cannot spend time mulling over what it happening inside emotionally at that moment. 

The other thing I have turned to over the years was eating.  Stuffing food into my mouth to make myself feel better did work albeit temporarily. I would bake cookies or a cake and then watch out - eating it all mostly by myself.  Ice cream binges and candy and SUGAR.  Or a slab of cheese and sleeve of crackers or nachos smothered in cheese or… you get the idea.  When I was younger, I used to go in the other direction with food – not eating to control things whereas now I eat to make myself feel better.  Either way it was a rotten cycle that I broke when I decided to change my eating habits late last year.  Well now I have very little to “eat” that makes me feel better and while I still eat, I eat healthy whole foods that are good for me but do not necessarily fill that void of feeling empty/sad/depressed/angry. 

I think the energy it takes for all of this “emotional” stuff is just crushing me. I have been working the past couple of days to get myself in bed by 11 pm which is a huge change for me – I was going to bed after 12:30 or later most nights and generally not sleeping well. I figure if I can train myself to be in bed by 11 pm I can eventually cut that down to an earlier time frame 10:45 or 10:30 but baby steps.  Beyond just getting sleep however I think my exhaustion is really from feeling so much right now– I am worn out and because I am Mom and I work full time and I have a house and dogs and huge life to contend with I never get a chance to truly really deeply find rest in my mind.  On top of that there are mounds of old shit I know still floating around inside my head plus the hormonal upheaval as of late… I am a wreck to say the least!

At the end of the day, I feel like some of this is hormonal changes that are happening but I also know that I am fighting with my “old” self – the one I always think I have put to rest years ago and the person who I really want to be.  This dynamic along with my job are creating a… okay for lack of better term – a shit storm in my life.  I want and need to dig out. I want and need to find generally speaking happiness and calm on the inside. I want and need to be a better person/friend/mother/co-worker/wife/daughter. I want and need to succeed at the goals I laid out yesterday because I want and need to. 

Ack.  Off to make a phone call now…

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Happy Goal Setting

I was reading a blog post today entitled “I’ll Be Happy When…”  It was essentially from my perspective about getting to the goal and being dissatisfied with the success of it all. 

I did what I set out to do years ago when I decided to run and get fit again… lose the last bit of weight I felt I wanted to lose – 10 pounds. I went from 135 to 125 in eight months.  It was an effort to some degree.  And yet I enjoyed it this time!  And yes of course I have a new goal but I am not dissatisfied. I am proud and excited and thrilled beyond words.  I do want to drop another five pounds.  That would put me at the weight I was in my 20s and when I felt the best about my physical body.  The five pounds won’t be easy but I am up for the challenge and I am excited by it – I would say by no stretch is that a meaningful goal.  It just something that would be nice to do and I will continue on the road I have been on to lose the last ten pounds. 

I do think that in society there is a prevailing sense of reaching a goal and feeling like I did it but now what and perhaps a bit of a letdown – like I did it followed by the expectation that an epiphany will happen or I will change in some way because I achieved that goal rather than celebrating the excitement/happiness/achievement of it all.

The blog writer suggests writing it down, make it real, pay attention to it, and be honest about the goals. Does it make you happy or unhappy?  Happy will lead to satisfaction and unhappy will do the opposite.  Also, unhappy will lead to failure. 

Okay, so I obviously I want to follow this line of thinking here.  I have been sort of rolling around workout wise for the past two months. It is hit or miss. 4-6 days a week I work out.  The past two months exhaustion has really hindered me and my efforts.  That exhaustion is really by my own making. I cannot sleep; I go to sleep too late; I struggle with it.  My GOAL is to get to sleep at night at a reasonable hour.  The problem with this goal is that I will do it for a day or two and feel better/more rested and slip right back into old bad habits.

Funny, I said this very same thing about eating and diet and exercise for years before I buckled down, shut up the voices in my head that were telling me the same shit (you love bread and cheese and beer) and made the 10 lb loss happen!  We offer up our own sabotage. I failed to lose the weight because I wanted to fail.  Back to sleep – I want to fail because I like to stay up late but I hate the after effects, the lack of motivation and the exhaustion and the sense of failure in that. 

The other goal I have is to get back to running/training again. I would like to run a marathon next year (2015) and I would like to run a half marathon in the 2nd half of 2014.  I am ready for that challenge – my foot is better. I do however have a secondary goal to this – I want to keep doing the cross training and build muscle. I am loving the abs and slow going but noticeable change to my upper arms (MUSCLES OMG MUSCLES) 

Finally, I have a work goal. I am going to make 15 placements this year.  I know I have not always been entirely glowing and happy about my job but man this is something I want and I need and it will happen.  I need to make it happen and I need to keep myself on track to do it.  Sleep and an exercise plan with help with this job.  Also, I did the first thing on that list: write it down.  To recap:

1.)  Get more sleep (8-10 hours each night)
2.)  Train to run a half marathon in the 2nd half of 2014
3.)  Continue to cross train (abs and arms baby!)
4.)  15 placements at SJA

Here is the blog post I referred. Read on – this guy is fab!

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Number Nine Number Nine Number Nine

I am infinitely grateful for this blog in ways
that I often do not express.
Well this one and the old one. 
They are one and the same in my mind.
M Bug will turn nine on Saturday
and I love that I have a little place where
I told stories about him
and posted pictures
and just sort kept a little journal.
Most of it was from before Missy 
and to see our lives before we had two kiddos
is fascinating and amazing.
So cool !

I know I have not written about 
the kids as much as I did back then.
There are many reasons for that.
Time, energy, wherewithal, desire.
I feel the kids are getting older 
and to put every detail of our lives or theirs
on the Internet is a weird thing.
I do not need the blog in ways I did when 
M Bug was little and I was fresh new Momma
who desperately needed my own space
away from being Mommy and work.

However, that blog is the closest thing I have 
to a letter to M Bug from what life was like before 
when he was an only
and we were much younger and new 
to this parenting business.

M Bug,
This is for you on your ninth birthday:
Someone told me there are not many of you
in this world and he was right.
You are one of a kind in the best most amazingly cool ways!
You are an old soul with the kindest of hearts.
You are passionate.
You are sweet.
You are smart.
You are funnier than I have ever been in my whole life.
You are tough and yet sensitive.
You are sporty and yet you are a fantastic artist.
You love books about history and shows about animals
and when you want to set about learning something
you do with a fire not many have in their lives.
You want to do everything so well
that is hurts my heart to see you 
frustrated when you cannot be perfect at everything.
You still love your blanket and your stuffed pup
and you are okay with it, like hey take me for
what I am, like me for me and do not try to change me.
You are a good sport (most of the time!)
You work hard if you do not get something
and yet oh my this year, this grade...
it has been a tough one.
Fear not for life will only become more
intricate and difficult and if you are fearful
you will be constantly mired in unhappiness.
Your internal strength and wit will take you 
places you imagine and I think anything you 
imagine will come true.
I know you dream of traveling the world
and it will happen because you are you.
I am so very proud of you.
I know your baby sister makes you crazy
but always look after her and remember
that as long as you take good care of her
she will always think the sun rises and sets over
your head; she just wants to be like you
and that is a compliment, a huge one.
Hold that compliment dear to your heart.
No matter what happens in this life
know that we love and cherish you 
with all of our hearts!
You are special and loved and adored.
Happy 9th Birthday.
Love to you,

Monday, March 31, 2014

Fresh Path

Whenever I stop writing here which has been more and more often over time, I generally think at some point weeks ago, I want to start writing again. It is good for me. It is cathartic and it is like a salve for my soul. It sure beat paying a lot of money of therapy – which I do not look down upon at all, but that is expensive so… writing, I am going to start writing again.

Often I find myself thinking about where to start. Time has passed and so much has happened and I do not necessarily want to rehash the past even though it has been a rough few months in my world emotionally speaking I just want to look forward. I will start with the banal of items on my list to write about. The first one is LONG…

Yep, that subject is health and fitness. It is funny because long ago in another time and place I earned a degree in Health and Fitness Management. I truly thought I wanted to help people get fit and I loved to be fit and in a most undefined way I thought that was the career path for me. Over the past few years, I have thought about this more and more often. I miss that world of helping people, seeing the plan click and stick, the goals and accomplishments hard fought for and won.  I often find people at the Y when I spend time there more often to cheer for.  There was one woman I saw slowly jog/walking at the Y every evening when I was there years ago and I have watched her journey and I have silently shouted praises to her.  She has lost a lot of weight and I know she is regular runner, she’s done a few half marathons and she works hard and she has no idea about me nor that I have watched her journey but I am so proud of her.  That is weird, right?

When I hurt my foot last year and ended up wearing “the boot” forever, I had to come up with a new plan for myself.  At first, in my mind, it involved working out to stay fit to be able to run again. I thought I will be well enough to run again and train for marathon I previously signed up for that will happen in April… Oh how humbled I am at the force with which reality can strike back.  I am still slowly working my way through retraining myself to run without getting re-injured. I have read several articles about the fear of re-injury and I know I am in that place BUT I also need to go slowly for me.  See difficult emotional period of life the past few months mentioned above.  The fact is since I stopped running I have lost 7 lbs which is about 3 lbs off of the 10 lbs I have been “trying” to lose since I started running several years ago!  There have been ups and down in there but I am 100 percent certain that my current weight loss would not have happened had I not been injured. 

I feel beyond just numbers I feel better. I feel better about my body image and it is nice to wear clothing without hating everything I put on! For instance, I went from a size 8 to size 6 in pants.  I am stronger – I have been lifting weights with some consistency for 8 months or so.  I have definition to my arms and abs that I did not have at all in those months and years of running.  I have a lot more fun “working out” then I ever did with running in that I am doing so much more variety that I never really get bored and when I do get bored (more accurately tired… I am always tired!) I just take more breaks and do not beat myself silly about not working out every day.

While I miss running/training with an intensity I reserve for few things I am not quite ready to remount the training horse (heh…) I like that I do not have to stick to some crazy plan and because I can tend to be rigid about training – go hard or go home –  I find myself happy to enjoy running when I can and doing the 30-35 minutes runs I have been doing.  I did tell K that I wanted to start running with more consistency in April doing 3-4 days a week so I can increase mileage and see how my foot/body handles it.  I would like to get past the current “re-training” schedule and perhaps start to train for a fall ½ marathon. I miss the long stuff but we shall see…

What I have been doing that works:
Eating differently – I technically would not say I ate poorly before but let’s just say I was not doing myself any favors.  I basically cut all bread/pasta out of my diet.  I tend to lean toward GF products now. I know that pisses off some people with serious health issues from consuming gluten. I am forever grateful that there are more readily available products though.  I try to mostly eat only whole foods – non processed, non-chemical, etc… you get the idea.  I cook/bake with olive oil and real organic butter (my favorites are Kerrygold and Organic Valley for butter.) I eat only Fage yogurt and I change it up – some weeks I do the higher fat kind, other weeks I do the non-fat.  I use as many fruit and veggies in any meal I am having as I can. I found a great GF cereal that I love so I get some of the calcium from the non-fat milk I use in that. 

I stopped drinking all together. No more beer/wine. I have not had soda since I was preggers with M Bug but I was drinking a lot of root beer and LaCroix in the recent past. I stopped that too.  Water, Coffee, and Traditional Organics Mint or Ginger tea are the main things I drink – occasionally I like a glass of lemonade but that is rare.

There are two things that I do eat that just make me giddy with happiness that I wanted to share: I make my own homemade nachos – organic chips, grated block cheeses (Organic Valley and Cabot), Jack’s salsa (mild) and low fat sour cream (generally organic). My favorite snack food!  Also, I have an obsession with high end dark chocolate (any fair trade kind will do… and there are tons of them these days!) However my current fav is Alter Ego: Dark coconut toffee organic chocolate. Oh… I mean I dream about that stuff!

I am not crazy or hardcore – I find that balance is everything in my life.  I also do just enough.  If I am still hungry after eating, I wait and drink some water to see how I am feeling.  Then I go find something else to eat.  I find eating can be mindless so I really have worked to make eating a mindful process.  I do think as our society has become increasing industrialized and we have to go faster, do more, etc… we think we cannot do eat healthier due to time and energy and it is hard to make our own meals and expensive and why to all this work, etc… the facts are it is expensive to eat a certain way (which is sad given the country we live in and the wonderful resources we have) and it is harder – sure I would rather go out to eat lunch and dinner for that matter every day, no dishes, no cleaning, no gripes about my cooking but oh my does food ever taste better and more interesting and I am happier and I weigh less and look/feel better because I take the time and energy to focus on those good things versus ease.  There are so many fads running amuck out there as always and I know when I look at those fads I find myself critically thinking about them – yes, there are some benefits to any diet or fad but at the end of the day it is simple – eat well, exercise well and all will follow BUT it takes time. 

I do lots of different “stuff”. I have been running, biking, swimming, cross training, lifting weights, planking, sit-ups, running stairs, using the exercise ball, crafting crazy new workouts out of ones I have seen on Pinterest… you get the idea.  I do something as often as I can.  Even if it is doing sit-ups while watching Believe on the television. 

I got a Fitbit for Christmas and I just love the hell out of that thing. I like it because it reminds me how active I am/have been/could be in a day.  Yesterday I did not technically “workout” but I walked over 10,000 steps and ran up and down the stairs doing laundry 13 times. That amounted to 4.5 miles of steps!  I have no idea how accurate it is but even if it’s not accurate it is a friendly reminder to keep moving!

Anything can be a workout.  Basketball with the kids.  Gardening the yard.  Doing laundry. Dusting/sweeping/moping/cleaning the bathrooms/making the beds. AND the trick is to do this stuff and then NOT reward yourself with food.  Reward yourself with a mental pat on the back.  You did it, be proud, be loud, but do not say ‘hey I worked in the garden all day I can now sit back and pile drive chips and dip into my mouth and wash it down with 8 beers!’ (Only me?? Yes well do not do this, it is bad!)

Running is a great form of exercise but if I am only exclusively running I am not technically taking care of my whole body.  Nuff said. I need to do a variety of things or else I will have issues with joints or well you know stress fractures in my heel (how?? I still am in awe of my ability to do that!) I cannot run to the exclusion of everything else. It will not work for me especially as I *ehem* get older! Plus it makes running more fun to do.  So cross train and run are a good combo (for me.)

Everything takes time - I have been seeing a lot of “fad” stuff from women around my age (or those closing in 40 quickly) and I am appalled.  Everything will work for a bit but the key is maintenance.  How do you maintain something?  The fact is we all need a break. I ended up hitting the proverbial wall in March.  I did some stuff but not to the level I had been and I started to slip with my diet and exercise.  It was rough… I am back mentally to my commitment of getting healthy and fit again. I think the key is not only that it takes time but to allow yourself a break but how long that break lasts is up to you.  Years of a break?  Bad idea probably.  A couple of weeks… fair enough.

For me, I have exactly three known things I struggle with. 
Emotional upsets/female issues: part of this is a bit out of my control nature and good stuff like that – I get really exhausted like I have never ever felt before for a full week or more every month plus the week of my “female” time – I literally have to crush the desire to just lie down and sleep vs. work out.  This is a new thing for me and the intensity of it has really amped up in just in the past 18 months or so. At first I thought it was a fluke then I started to notice a pattern. It is rough and finding my inner strength on this front takes a lot out of me.  The situation with my Mom for instance threw me for a loop. I was doing really well up till that event and then I just start to knock myself for being a bad person, etc… I tend to let the overwhelming emotions surrounding my female time to completely crush me and I am still trying to come up ways to deal with this/work through it.

Sleep/exhaustion: this is mostly manufactured by me. Yes, a week out of the month I am spent from being a girl/hormones/etc but I also have a bed time that is wholly inadequate for the lifestyle I want to lead. I need to get myself to bed at the latest by 11 pm (10 pm would be super ideal) and I am currently generally going to bed at 12-1 am.  Oaf.  Not good.  Still also trying to come up with ways to deal with this/work through it.

Being kind to myself: A lifetime of telling myself how awful I am and reminding myself nonstop about all of the mistakes I have made is a hard thing to just up and change. It is actually the thing I have made the most strides on of these three. I let go a lot more.  I still wake up in the middle of night sometimes flipping out about things but mostly I just let it go (like the song… OH GAWD THAT SONG!) I think that for the most part I just do not see everything as big and dramatic anymore AND honestly I cannot go back and change anything. I can only learn and go forward so I do for the most part. I think the guilt, depression, and anxiety are really my deal killers but totally apart from being kind to me in a sense.  Also we can “save” those for another blog post (You: oh goody gum drops!)

Long and long of it. I am excited for spring time, for losing that last three pounds, for the possibility of running regularly again and maybe even racing. I am excited to do weights to continue to define my arms and abs and expand on the current excitement about eating healthy.  More to come hopefully!

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Deep Wells

I am often not sure where my depression and loneliness come from.  Those two things well up deep from within me and I cannot hide from them.  I try.  I fight tooth and nail to stop them.  I will be okay, happily meandering through the days when out of seemingly the clear blue yonder I am struck by it all.  I suppose I say seemingly because often times there are signs but I miss them.  Easily angered, tired beyond words, sadness over little things are meaningless but seem to hurt me deep inside.  I feel sad today that I am feeling so lonely and depressed quite frankly.  That sadness is not helping things out.  I thought perhaps I would try to write about it.  That does help... or makes it worse. 

I feel bad for being so annoyed with the peanuts right now.  We are all stuck inside.  I am tired of fighting with M Bug about homework.  And Missy about learning to read and well... everything.  She is a strong willed girl.  I appreciate that in her but I also grow increasing frustrated by it over time.  Then there is the nearly constant bickering between them.  Age or boy vs. girl or whatever - it just totally sucks.  I am bummed that M Bug does not want to try harder in school and I believe that this is just a phase and that 3rd grade is a tough year all round but I am not sure I am entirely equipped to deal with it given the fact that I gave up almost entirely on school around grade three. 

I am tired of the yelling from K and I.  I feel like K does not just try to calmly talk to them but everything is a hounding, loud, drill sergeant lesson. If he could just save some of that for special times and not be the way he is all the time... It sets me off. I feel like since he does it I can do it and I HATE it. I think to myself at odd times why do we do that, I wake myself up in the night with intense guilt over it all.

I feel an intense loneliness about friendships and I do not understand how come I do not allow more close friendships with people and sometimes I just feel drained by the process of being a good friend to everyone but also that I do not quite understand being left out by some, am I that unfriendly or unkind that I cannot be a good friend to people no matter what, that the faults I see in myself bother me in others and on and on and I worry over everything I do and say after I have done and said it and it is a terrifically awful cycle that I have grown to hate and know oh so well as I have done this/been this way since I was quite young. It makes me feel like such a shitty person overall...

The grime, dust and dirt of my house hurts me.  I cannot keep up with it all. I cannot get laundry done or floors cleaned or bathrooms in order.  I like that order. It makes all of the other stuff that feels bad, feel better. That is where my OCD comes from.  The order of a orderly clean neat home makes me able to tackle the rest of my life in a more sane way.

I am tired of sickness even though this year has been relatively easy as compared to past years.

Work.  I just... I do not know what to do there.  Or I do.  But again and again ten years gone now I feel this is maybe just not the right place for me and I suck at this job and I am tired of fighting with J for candidates and placements... I just want to make the money and be a contributor to our family financially in a meaningful way and I do not want to worry about spending money on clothing or fun things or taking vacations and actually enjoying them versus worrying over every last thing I do and I most definitely do not want to have ASJ mad at me again and again and again. I just want to have some success there that is big this year. I want that so badly I can taste it and I am frustrated that is still elusive after all of these years... still.

Running - working out - losing weight.  It is like a mantra in my head. I want to run, it hurts so I cannot. I want to work out but there is never enough time and I keep falling down a pit when it comes to eating that makes me stay where I am weight wise (or seemingly).  I have had some success in my overall fitness but I think that in my heart I am deeply sad that I cannot run and I do not understand why my body revolts on me every time I find something I love.  When I swam I had shoulder troubles that sidelined me.  Now this foot stuff and running.  Why??

My Mom and Dad and Uncle and Brother and Sister all drag at my soul. I feel sad that I am not with them more to help them but in the same vein I am not sure that I could do anything and I would feel worse if I was there "helping". It is rock and this is my hard place. I feel lonesome for my family - my family.  All over that we know so little of each other even if they make me crazy.

There is more and more and more I could write and I cannot stop my brain from running some times... the one thing I would LIKE TO STOP FROM RUNNING!

I am just... depressed. I am struggling to keep my head over the water.  To let go.  To see the good and not the bad.  To shove away the waves of sadness and lonely depression that is seemingly crushing me right now.  The sense of ugly that comes from my core that I have never understood.  That I have over the years controlled with many things...alcohol, shopping, not eating, over eating, over exercising, the excess of emotions that are around me... I need to find a way to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get out of the deep well of loneliness that I am currently swimming in.  However I do that...I just need to do it and now as it is this is a precarious slope I am slipping down right now.  I need to dig my feet in, make a plan and go forward.  Turn my face to the light, embrace the happiness, and stop the depression now, however I do can do that... but it hurts. It is easier to be sad/depressed/lonely.  That hurts too but it is easier than fighting.  It just is, that is super hard to explain to anyone who does not get it.  It is easier to wallow then dig out.  Dig in... whatever.  

Thursday, January 30, 2014


After my last post the proverbial shit hit the fan and things just sort of fell to bits (to me) in my world.  It started out with a shitty email from my Mom about the Christmas gift I got her and went from there.  I was initially angry then sad then I felt bad. I wrote her an email back that was kind but honest -something I have not ever done.  Usually I would just sit and be angry/upset/sad or I would write an angry mean email. This time I did neither and felt much better.

I dropped that boot like it was hot (er a hot potato... that thing sucked!) But I was disappointed to realize how much my foot still hurt having been unused mostly for 16 long weeks.  That realization that I still have a long recovery period was a tough pill to swallow.

I was tired, work was dragging, things were not going the way I'd hoped at work by the end of the year and work related stuff just seemed to get worse.  Missy got sick (Strep) then so did I.  The kids were exhausted yet hyper for Christmas which always seems to make them bicker even more than usual and I was sick.  SICK. Did I mention sick?  Oy with the sick.  We had my in-laws with us at New Year's and it was good but kind of weird.  And a lot of travel for Hockey that was not a huge deal but just added to that sense of the deep winter blues.

Any who, the first part of January was better mentally for me but both kids got... sick (Strep again).  M Bug had strep throat that manifested itself into this Scarlet Fever type rash and it took him out for an entire week.  Poor kid.  The snow and cold temps kept the kids home for another few days so January was mostly a wild bust in some ways.

The good news is that while January has been a weird month, I really came out of the work haze recently and realized that I needed to focus.  Focus every bit of myself on work to accomplish my goals this year. Still writing this at work is sort of an unfocused thing... that is okay. I had to get ONE post in for January 2014!)

On the other hand, my house is dusty and dirty and the fitness goals I set out that I miraculously managed to hang onto until I got sick in December have kind of gone to the way side. I am fighting to get back to working out.  M Bug is going a track "club/class" so it gives me the opportunity to workout while he is running and I can do that 12 week plan to get back to running at least two days of the week.  I reassessed my goals and I would still like to get down to at least 125 weight wise. I am curious about body-fat and I am considering getting that tested.  I decided that core was the only thing I can really focus on right now anyway.

Every 20 (ahem 30) minute run I have done makes my foot hurt.  Not in the places it hurt before but the ligaments around my heel hurt mostly and I am terrified to re injure the stupid thing because NO NO NOT THAT BOOT!  No amount of stretching seems to make that stop.  My worst fear is never running again like I was.  I have sort of been fighting away those fears with all of my might.  I will run again.  That is what I have been telling myself.  I can and will.  It just need to be patient.  So ABS I will have even if I cannot run a marathon any time soon.  In all seriousness, I am loving that some of the flab I hated before is slowly melting away.  I am also amazed at how far I let that go and how long it takes to rebuild muscles/lose flab that seems at home where it is - I am working to evict it - NOW!  Honestly, I have zero desire to go do Crossfit or get all hard core into weightlifting but I am considering investing in some additional weights/kettle balls.  I like being stronger again and redefining my body in a way running never did.

As for my dusty dirty house, oh well.  I am trying to do a little bit at a time which has always been my mantra anyway.  I think it is this time of year when everything seems dirty and dusty when I get a little more anxious about things of that nature.  Spring is somewhere around that corner, I just know it!!

I do feel that sense of re-emergence.  I can run albeit a little bit at a time. I am seeing results from all of the hard work (Swimming, biking, rowing,weights, cross training). Slow results but results none the less.  I am enjoying time with the kids even the sick or stuck at home due to snow/extreme cold/ice time.  I am not sick and I no longer feel I am fighting the stress/anxiety at every turn that was so deeply effecting me last year (if anything depression is one thing I need to be aware and careful of - it is like a ninja in my world - out of no where it will kick me in the gut and take me down).  I am having fun at work now that there is a small core of fun younger people here.  I am going to succeed at work this year come hell or high water!  I am going to run again by the end of this year... or next year... or the year after!   Life is good.

I feel like butterfly!  HA.  Just kidding. (Sort of) (a stronger healthier butterfly) (still kidding) (ah moving on...)

This song is in a Nissan commercial of all the things but I heard it several months back and loved it! The other one is not in a commercial that I am aware of.  These two songs make me want to work/workout harder! Enjoy and enjoy. Oh and you are welcome too :)!