Wednesday, November 5, 2008


I have started this post three different times over the past three days but have not been able to finish it, to get it to sound right or feel good about what I am writing so I will just say it -- I start work tomorrow.

I have been great the past 13 weeks... of living in denial. The conversation usually goes like this "Oh yeah I am going back to work..." and ah let's change the topic quick before I dwell on it and start sobbing into my coffee about this fact which is just embrassing and people really do not know what to do about THAT.

As it was with Matthew, the first dozen times I hooked myself up to "the pump", I had to take deep breaths, into a huge paper sack. I had to calm myself by staring at the TV and turning it up loudly because it sort of hurt my heart to pump versus just letting my tiny baby drink milk straight from the source the way she likes it.

Same goes for the bottle. I sat and listened to her sob from our bedroom. My ear pressed against the cool white surface, ready to charge out the door, to just let her have the milk the way she wanted it and then the sobbing would subside and whoever was giving her the bottle would later tell me that she seemed to like the bottle, she seemed okay with it all. This is far better then it was with Matthew. At least with Marisa I do not physically need to leave the house.

I am in a better place then I was with Matthew. I love my job but I still dream that perhaps something will happen and I can just stay home with my babies. That is not going to happen. For various reasons. We are happy with Ashley - she is awesome! I am glad that I am not going to have see that startled look that Matthew had on his face when I dropped him off at Tammy's house the first day, each day that first week. You see in our ignorance, he never met Tammy before that day. That is why we had Ashley start early, so both kids could get to know her. Marisa had that startled look on her face the first days when Ashley would hold her but I was a wall away, not miles away. I hung out with them the first week and held my baby as needed. Tomorrow will not be as dramatic as it was with Matthew. My kids will be all right. Kevin will be all right.

I will still cry tomorrow. And feel hollow and heavy and filled with dread. I will be sad. But even I will be all right just like I was eventually with Matthew...
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