Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Holiday Dichotomy

I feel a little panicked during this time of year, EVERY year. I worry about gift buying. My immediate family is hard to buy for. Kevin is likely the MOST difficult.

Then I worry about ordering gifts off the Internet which is mostly where I buy stuff for the holidays. Will they run out? Will I get the dreaded email from the place of purchase stating the item I ordered has been BACK ORDERED and will arrive in time for say, Valentine's Day... Will I find what I am need and like it enough to spend the money on shipping? Or maybe I can find it in town without shipping? Should I bother looking? Should I look at another site where it might be cheaper? Why can't I find that Mozart cube thing I want for Marisa ANYWHERE in town dammit!?!??!

There is always the anxiety I feel about baking. I love to bake but with a toddler and a baby I am not as excited about it. Last year I waited until the last minute to do it. I was pregnant and nauseous and tired. This year I feel spry enough, well a bit tired, but I have the same level of motivation as last year and yet I want to do it. I like the end product. It's the "creating" of the product that takes my breath away.

Decorating. Just the thought makes me shudder. We will need to rearrange and hope that Santana does not once again pee on the fake tree like he peed on our freaking WEDDING ALBUM the other day... I want to send the dog to the North pole right now.

There is the inevitable freak out over what to wear to a very fancy schmancy Christmas party which this year I think might even top last year (it was at the Conrad downtown in Indy) and is being held at West Baden Springs. Ah, have you been out there and seen the cars people drive and the hand bags they are holding? I am still lugging around a Nine West handbag from six years ago. Also, I gave birth four months ago and now you want me to find a dress that fits and covers up the tum-tum?! Shit. Clothes shopping in our little town is pure drudgery and getting to the big city is not going to happen before the party. I was thinking of visiting the local Goodwill store because their commercial says they might have designer labels... Oy.

Sadly it is only November 19th and I having these feelings. I get more and more anxious with each passing day especially as the load of catalogs in our mailbox threatens to tip the whole dang thing over.

And yet... I love the season. I cannot wait to banish the Thanksgiving/Fall/pumpkin stuff to a plastic bin and dig in to the Christmas items. I relish decorating, becoming familiar once again with all of the holidays items that have been stashed all year.

I like to find new and exciting gifts to give to friends and family. The hunt is part of the fun.

I love our Christmas party and how over the top it always is.

I love all the baking and smells and cooking that the holidays bring.

I look forward to a warm car, hot cocoas and driving around in the dark with Christmas carols playing looking for cool Christmas lights, hearing Matthew ohh and ahh over them.

And really the look on his face and some day soon Marisa's is priceless when they come down on Christmas morning or rediscovering the wonder of the first snow of the season. The way Matthew's eyes shine every time he looks at the tree. Visits to Santa and cheers of delight over watching the Christmas classics, over and over again.

And so my love-hate relationship with the holidays continues. Happiness and stress going hand in hand. Here's hoping nothing is back ordered and I find that dress. And if I do not, it is not the end. All I need are those bright shining eyes and a hot cup of cocoa to make it through the holidays!
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