Sunday, December 14, 2008

Wary

Or should that title read weary. A little of both I suppose. I am feeling a little ah morose right now so bear with me on this post mmm kay? (this post is LONG.)

Marisa. Wow, she like changed over night this past weekend. She can suddenly say things clearly like she looked right at Kevin while in her Jumperoo and said "Da-da"then looked so surprised she just made a little O with her mouth. It rocked and thankfully BOTH Kevin and I were right there when it happened! She said it again apparently when I went down to do laundry right after! She has been rocking the verbal skilz from the get go but man this is huge progress. Matthew never clearly said anything like da-da until much later and even then it was garbled. This was/is clear as day! (For the record this "event" occurred at 12:43pm Saturday 12-13-08 and I totally cried thankyouverymuch!) By the by, I also thought OMG our freaking phone is going to be attached her ear starting around 12. She just LOVES to talk!

Marisa can sit up mostly. When I say this I mean in the middle of the room with no couch to lean against or a Bumbo seat in sight or anything. We still hover about her as she is tippy and well she can sit up and stay sitting on her own (for several minutes at a time.) Talk about your crazy skilz - however the funny part about the sitting up thing - Girl SO cannot roll over yet. AH apparently she is skipping that pesky little developmental stage. She totally gets distracted by her hand when she is on her side. She still sees her hand is all "gnaw gnaw gnaw". I have photos of this so if you do not believe me I will post them tonight maybe between cleaning the f***ing bathrooms and baking cookies. Just call me Betty Frackin' Crocker, eh?

And man this girl rocks the Jumperoo. I told her that when Santa brings that exersaucer she is just going to die of happiness! She also like to chew on the Jumperoo in between jumping. The whole front of the seat is slobbery wet and nasty when you take her out. Uh, mostly because there is a tooth like right there. And man she is working with all her might to get that dang thing out of those silly old gums.

Sleep is still sucky but whatevs - how can a girl sleep when she is kicking ass and taking names in the development department right?!
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As for me I am tired and I have an odd new issue that I am not sure I ever had with Matthew. I am sea sick. Seriously. I am dizzy 24/7. The world is swaying back and forth as we speak. I do not feel sick and I do not feel like I have sinus or ear infection (which I assume would make me feel dizzy like this though I have NO idea why I think this...) It is driving me batty and yesterday in the evening as I folded a mountain of laundry I had to put my head between my knees to get the world to go straighten at least a dozen times. I am a bit perplexed by this development. I am not sure when to scream uncle and run to the doctor. For now I am just going to live with it and hope it is some weird hormonal thing that goes away on its own.
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I have been meaning to write about this for a week. Kevin is going to be gone for most of our holiday break (we do not work from the 24th until 2nd of Jan.) I am feeling a little depressed about this for various reasons. I love our holiday break. We do fun things and relax and unwind and I am not going to get to do that with my whole family, just part of it. I am totally having a pity party just for me on this subject y'all so please understand that I understand that I am totally feeling sorry for me. (By the way I am eating the nastiest oatmeal EVER right now - ugh Kashi Apple Cinnamon I hate you...)

The reason I say that I am having a pity party is the reason Kevin will be gone for most of the break. Kevin's mother's cancer is not getting better. In fact it is getting worse. When I talked to my boss about the situation she put it bluntly (and I promptly started crying - see a theme here?) - she said "Christina, Kevin's mother is dying. There is no doubt about that." There is no denying this fact at this point. She is starting back on Chemo tomorrow and radiation and they are hoping they can bring her numbers back down. They found numerous new lumps on her chest and breasts last week when she went back. And I suppose I never mentioned that they made her take 8 weeks off from the maintenance drugs she was on because she just kept getting worse. I am back tracking here and not making sense. I wish the room would stop swaying - it is like the fucking Titanic over here...

I understand why Kevin is going home and I am sad for him. I am not going because holy shit Winnipeg in April sucks let alone Winnipeg in December, with a three year old AND a four month. Hell no. Matthew is going with Kevin and I am staying home with Marisa. Which is a better situation then last time for me but I am sad to have Matthew gone for five days even if it was hard to have him here. I know Matthew loves to travel and will be so happy to see his grandparents. I feel so stuck and catch-22ish and OMG pity fucking party people.

I think some of how I am feeling is just from being so damned tired. I cannot seem to catch up and I cannot seem to get things done. I literally just stand in the kitchen some times and feel like I am pulled in 20 different directions. There is always something and never nothing: there are piles of wash to do, the bed sheets need to be changed, bathrooms to clean, cookies to bake, babies to tend to, messes to clean, dogs to feed... ACK. Do not get me wrong Kevin does SO much. We are a 50-50 couple. If I do more of the cleaning he does more of the other stuff. If he does more cleaning I do more of the other stuff. I just feel swallowed up whole right now between the emotions surrounding Kevin's mom, trying to get Kevin to fucking talk about how he is feeling and just the general holiday and every day stuff. I want to be light and happy and have fun and it just feels all like a drag at the moment.

The fucked up thing about this situation is that Kevin's family as a whole just do not talk about feelings or what is going on. Seriously. They walk around pretending nothing is wrong and if anyone tries to tell them otherwise they look at you like "Get the hell out of my emotional business BITCH!" No joke. I am not making this up - I would not, could not make that up (fucking Dr. Seuss!) Kevin is getting better about it but for me who comes from this hippie dippy touch-y feel-y talk about your emotions family I struggle with the BS that NOT talking about feelings brings. For me, I am a much happier calmer person when I unload. It helps me to get feedback from others and get it off my chest.

Kevin's sister about took Kevin's head off when Kevin suggested that she visit her mother sooner then JUNE because of the gravity of the situation. In her usual know it all way, his sister wrote him back that she has known how serious this situation was since September of 2007 (as if Kevin did not know or something which was implied in the email. Kevin did not write back. The moment his parents told him her cancer was back Kevin knew it was bad especially since it was a different kind of cancer then the first time. BUT Miss "I am a vet and over educated so I MUST know more then my stupid brother" was her usual snotty self... I DIGRESS sort of.) Oh fuck off. Seriously. My co-worker's husband, Ric, was fine three days before he died of Leukemia, people. Kevin sat downstairs in our conference room and had a 20 minute conversation with Ric and three days later his wife and two daughters had to decide to take him off the respirator and let him pass away. THREE DAYS...

There is no going back in cancer and hope is a bitch when it comes to cancer. I want Kevin to be there every second he can. I want Matthew to visit too in hopes that he might have a few memories of his grandmother. I have a small place reserved for hope for Kevin's mother but I also know the statistics for someone with her kind of cancer. That her particular cancer is not going to disappear... she will live with it for the rest of her life however long that may be. To ignore that this is happening is like saying the room is not swaying right (it is...) You may not be able to see the cancer cells but they are there.

Denial is a shitty thing. Pretending that there is nothing wrong is lame. I am tired of it. I lay it out for Kevin almost every day. I am tired of fighting to get him to talk with me about things, BIG things. He will talk about little things till the cows come home. But when it comes to BIG things he just clams up, shuts down, goes mute. He is angry and mean and "always tired". The minute he gets whatever is bothering him off his chest he is like a new man. It is amazing.

I am glad he is going to see his mother. I am sad that I will be home alone for most of the break. I wish it were different but it is not. All will be well. I know once I get some sleep (and make the room stop swaying) I will be a-okay. I am just struggling right now and over the past couple of weeks which has accounted for some of my radio silence here. I knew I would have verbal diarrhea on the subject if I started writing about it and that is what you have here. I have no clear way to end this other then if you happen to be around the week after Christmas, please feel free to stop by. I could sure use the company.
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