Friday, March 6, 2009

Whether I Like It Or Not

I was struck tonight with a clarity about how time is just flying by at an unbelievable speed. I cannot stop it. A moment ago I was holding a smallish 8-ish pound baby and suddenly she barely fits on the Boppy at night when we nurse. She has that tooth and seriously she is going to kill me with this pulling up thing.

I looked over at her tonight as she pulled up using the little red barn in Matthew's room as I put away his clean laundry. In my mind's I wailed 'NOOOO' for more then one reason. I was thinking she will bash her head open if she falls forward onto that barn and backward on to the cow or the llama (are llamas really a standard part of American farms today???). But mostly it was looking at her seven month smallness pulled up right, chubby baby legs doing little baby squats, testing the waters, dancing a bit with her hips. She looked so small yet so big. How on earth did that happen?

I remember standing in the kitchen holding her. She was just weeks old. I will never forget this moment in the kitchen when I held my seemingly tiny baby. I made sure to memorize every detail. It was a hot summery day and the sun was glinting off the glass. I could hear Kevin and Matthew playing out in the backyard giggling and gossiping to one another. I was hanging on to Marisa for dear life, drinking in her smallness, her sweet closed eyes, her smell, knowing that her tiny self fitting into my arms just right sleeping peacefully would not last forever, that in a flash on the first warm day of the early part of spring she would suddenly be pulling up like it is nothing. Like she has been doing it her whole life...

Or looking at her silly mommy waving like a ninny in the kitchen and then suddenly lifting her hand and doing that funny little backward wave that babies do and grinning ear to ear. Wondering about the fuss that her parents are making and doing it again just to prove to us that indeed she knows what waving means. And Matthew just shaking his head at us and stating "oh Mommy Marisa already waved today. That is not new!"

I do not feel sad per say about her changing and growing. I guess I feel thoughtful about Marisa today. She is doing what she is supposed to do and I feel good about that. It means we are doing a good job, that she is a beautiful thriving little baby. I guess more to the point: I have immensely enjoyed this time with my baby, I have not taken one moment for granted because I will not get it back and I will not be doing it again. But then I have moments where I wish I could find the pause button. A tooth, the pulling up, the ma-baba-boo-da babble that issues from her pretty little mouth, that funny little backwards wave to Mommy... it just means she is moving at warp speed from being my tiny little 8-ish lb baby to my sweet little toddler, whether I like it or not.
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