Saturday, May 23, 2009

Angel Fairy Wings

*I have tried to write this or that feeling down here and even on face book only to find the control-c button or backspace or just plain delete. The past two weeks have been wrought with hellish-ness. Of trying to keep myself, my family together in the face of all that seems so oddly wrong.

This happened. We left last Wednesday in a hurry after Kevin's Dad called to say this might be it. Barb's kidneys were failing, she could not eat and her bp was lower then "low". We loaded onto a plane in the middle of a storm at some ungodly end of the day hour when my kids should be sleeping and they were not. We arrived in the "Peg" at 1:00am. We got up the next day and went to the hospital. Now I am not sure what the rest of Canada's hospitals are like but I have been to three hospitals there since I have dated Kevin and I was not impressed with them. None of them have been clean, all were ancient and this particular palliative ward... made me terrified to grow old and prolong death. Nor have I ever seen really up close anyone dying of cancer.

No words can describe my mother in law. She was a shadow of herself. Frail, thin, unable to speak above a whisper. My heart ached. For her. For Kevin. For Henry. For my kids. Matthew's eyes were like saucers as he looked around. The woman sharing the room with Barb seemed to slowly lose her mind before our very eyes so that Barb had to request a private room because the woman spoke 24-7 to the people who died before her and about her entire life as if it were happening in movie form before her ravished eyes. She lay half naked just like almost everyone on this form. Matthew told me he wanted to see Grandma but not the lady in the room with her. I told Matthew to shut his eyes tight as we went past but it did not block her out obviously.

I did my best to help make Barb comfortable. I hugged her. Sat with her. Put her socks on. I got her tissues and called the nurses to get her more fluids. I chatted with her lightly about the kids, my hair, the wedding we will be attending next month. She asked me what I was going to where. She told she was thinking about the 2nd dress she bought for our wedding - she had it shortened to be less formal. My heart hurts because I did say good bye and I felt good about how I left things with her. We were never the best of friends but I think some that came from the fact that I was the other woman in her baby's life. I took her baby away. She loved Kevin and had such pride in him. I always got that part.

I was planning to head home after Saturday because we were there and doing nothing. Me and the kids. Marisa was too little and annoyed at being held. Also the lady next to Barb's room had MERSA!? GAWD halp me. We planned our return flight when Marisa came down with a fever of 103. I decided to stay and head home with Kevin Wednesday figuring Marisa's fever would run its course. She was 103 the entire rest of the time. She scared the crap out of me. We finally saw a doctor in Winnipeg for $150 (travel insurance here we come from now on...) and she thought it might be Strep. We got some antibiotics and off we went.

We packed and set the alarm clock for 5:00am the next day. Matthew woke up yelling for Kevin at quarter to five and a few seconds later the phone rang. I think I knew right than what that phone call was about. Kevin came to tell me. We decided to come home anyway. We were all tired and ready to be home. There was nothing we could do there. Thank goodness Kevin came because Marisa freaked out the whole way home. She was miserable and screaming and I was mortified, yet thankful that we were at the back of the plane. She broke my streak of babies NOT crying on the plane!

The good news - the mole turned out to be non cancerous and Marisa cut two new teeth, one on each side of her front two teeth. Marisa fever finally went away on Wednesday afternoon and she decreased her clinginess a tiny bit by Friday. So now with the holiday weekend upon and the heat of summer on our backs I am home with two little ones. Matthew does not get that Grandma died and does not get why Kevin is gone again. We had to cancel our trip to see my family in Seattle and that made things worse because I thrilled and excited to introduce Marisa to my family. I worry about my parents - my mom will be 70 this year and my dad and his alcoholism and smoking. I just do want to wait. Waiting is when things happen.

I feel like I am failing apart in little bits. I have been doing the strangest things and I cannot seem to keep it together. I am frustrated, tired, sad and depressed. I am not being a good mother to my kids. I feel like Kevin has been for lack of better words out to lunch for many months, as he should be.

I am trying to come up with good things. I know Barb was in pain and it is good to know that she is no longer struggling. She was tough. She fought such a good fight. She made me understand that I need to live life to the fullest. To enjoy every moment I have because it goes so very quickly. Heartbreakingly fast. I made many resolutions last week than I came home and did none of them. I realized tonight that I was not enjoying my time with my kids. I was just stressed out and tired. So I resolved again to try harder, to enjoy more, to take it one minute at a time because this too shall pass and life is about the living.

Matthew and I talked a bit more about Grandma. We are not religious folks so this is a hard one. I told Matthew that I have an angel. My Granny died when I was in grad school and I swear she has looked after me ever since. She had offered me guidance and a presence and I wonder what Granny would do. When I do that it helps me decide what to do. She is my angel. I told Matthew that Grandma Barb is his angel. He asked if she was really little. And if she had fairy wings. And if she would look after him. I told him yes.

* I apologize for this long ramble...
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