Friday, June 19, 2009

Scattered in Mind & Body

It was one month ago that Barb passed away. I am trying with all my might not to think about this but there are a million little things that remind me of her and how she is not here any more for us to share with her all the new things have been happening with the kids. Things that she would squee about, tell all her friends about. All the little ways that now that she is gone I realize how much she impacted our lives even from far away.

I am also struggling with how to help Kevin. He is not a very out there with his emotions kind of person so the only way I know if something is bothering him is when he is super quiet and/or short with everyone. He has been both. It is hard to determine what to do for him. I am trying... I guess I wish I could explain that to him. I am trying to be loving and caring and supportive.

I was not going to Canada. Then I was. Then I was not. Now I am. We leave next week. I am not overtly thrilled about making another trip to Canada right now but it is what it is. I realized after I told Kevin that Marisa and I were going to stay home that he needed me there. It will be his first visit back since the funeral, since she died. And I think it will be overwhelming even with a wedding and Matthew to keep him busy.

If I could inject my coffee into my arm I would, today.

I am trying a new approach with the weight loss thing this week. I found a site where I can track my food intake, exercise and weight loss. I only have EIGHT lbs to go till I get to my goal! I know, right?! I am a bit disappointed by my lack of motivation to get exercising this week. However, the 4-6 teeth that Marisa decided to cut this week is not the lamest excuse I have ever used to NOT get fit!

I am f-ing tired. She has been sleeping better the last day or two and I think this morning if we did not have to get up for work she would have actually SLEPT IN! I do want to get in shape that is the thing. I miss lifting weights and being "buff" like I used to be! I miss abs and feeling good about myself! I am not so worried about my milk supply since I started tracking my fluid intake which significantly increased my supply so there is that. I just need to be less tired and find some time to do it all!

Can I just tell you how wild it is to see Marisa just walk? Like she is an old hat at it - as if she never did anything BUT walk! Like she was not a tiny baby in my tummy this time last year??? That she is trying to RUN - unsuccessfully mind you - but run none the less, already!

That she can do baby signs? And babbles away and when she really wants you to know something she will totally add inflections included in that babble by getting louder and quieter?

That she knows who Matthew and Daddy and the dogs are to the point where if you say 'where is <>?' She will look around for whomever you are asking for.

That she is can eat finger foods all by her own and drink from a cup (and the kid has an arm - she can wing that cup across the room with the best of 'em!)

That she knows to put pull out and put her arms through clothing when we are dressing her which does make dressing easier!

That she has her likes and dislikes and none of them really match up to Matthew's at this age. That she has this distinct little personality coming out more and more every day. That she has this lovely ready laugh that she applies to everything. That she is sweet and happy every morning when she wakes up. It makes the exhaustion less painful just to see that smiley face all day long even through the pain of getting teeth.

Someone JUST brought doughnuts in the office - must go hit the kitchen NOW... DOUGHHHHNUTS! Ummm all that stuff about weight loss? Well, weight loss be damned! Have a happy weekend!
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