Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Accountability Accounting

One would say my accounting is off. Like Mr. Madoff, I am cooking the books and making my own documents so you all cannot see what is really happening.

What is really happening is that I am stuffing my pie hole with more junk food than my system can handle which has resulted in **SHOCKINGLY** a weight gain. Meanwhile back at the <> ranch, I have completely stopped doing any exercise, at all.

I set a goal of getting down to my Matthew pre-pregnancy weight by August 2, 2009. It seemed like an easy enough "intention" when I made it back in January. I made it to the first part of that intention without much work - that was to get down to my Marisa pre-pregnancy weight by March. Than the intention was to lose 10 more lbs from March 30 to August 2nd. My thoughts were it will be summer, Marisa will be less needy, I can make the time to exercise and eat right because there is the Farmer's Market! and Fresh Everything! And healthy fun meals to experiment with!

Then the bottom fell out with Kevin's mother and our vacation planning went to hell and lo here I am.

I was down two whole pounds out of the 10 two weeks ago. I weighed myself yesterday to find myself back up two pounds. The last ten is always the hardest I get that but I am not even trying which is not only making it the hardest part but the MOST frustrating part.

This morning already I have had a doughnut and yesterday there was ice cream and candy to be had –this is just the short list of horror that has been my diet lately. This is my own thing. Lately I have been doing something I have never done before - comfort eating. I have never used food to make me feel better or as a reward until I had kids. Then it became my "drug" of choice if you will. The thing with all of the junk food is that I have been feeling horrible and I am noticing it after basically cutting it out for a few weeks there. I noticed that when I gave up much of junk my body felt better inside and out when I stop dumping crap into it. I stopped eating a lot of processed foods and hardly any "comfort" foods (ICE CREAM and CANDY for me) and I was feeling like I could take on the world. Since stopping that I have had THREE migraines, multiple aches and pains I did not have two weeks ago, increased acne, and just this bad attitude about the world in general.

I know something’s have to give at times, all of life is about moderation but let's be serious here. I need to be more accountable with myself if I want to reach my goals.

I find it hard to believe that in less than four weeks I will get myself toned and fit and lose that last 10 lbs but I am going to give it one hell of a try. I am okay with changing my intentions. I am still going to run the 5k in September and really exercising is about lifestyle. It is a life time thing. There is no ‘I am going to get into shape and then I can stop’. I need to learn how integrate it all more into my life with kids and dogs and a husband and a house that is too big to keep clean.

A big part of this is about letting go. I used to work out three hours a day. EVERYDAY. Seven days a week. I had lots of time to try new things, to run/swim/bike long distances and to be super picky about what I put in my body. I know one day I may be able to do all this again but I also cannot get back the time I have now with my wee babes. Do I want to be all cute and a size 2 more than I want to hang with my kiddos? Not really.

For me, I am on the edge - a precipice if you will (oh HOW dramatic, no!?) of learning something new. I have been here before but I run away... usually into a couple of gallons of ice cream because dude WHY change? I am a control freak. I like my house to be just so and my exercise routine to be just so. I like things to be just the way I want them - can we stay perfectionist together? - And if they are not just right then I give up. This only has to do with me. Not with my kids or my family or my friends. ALL me. I struggle with letting go of the house in favor of exercise and I struggle with letting go of time with the kids to exercise so then I just do nothing, but eat. SO...

I am back. I am letting go increments. I am going to give the next four weeks a run for their money. Even if I lose those two lbs all over again in that time frame I will call it a win and make a new intention about losing the weight/getting fit/feeling good about me again. It is scary and hard and I am tired a lot but I can do it!
Post a Comment