Friday, July 31, 2009

Amazing Grace

Gulp. I may be in a total state of shock right now. Overwhelmed with emotions. Just like I was on the eve before the eve of Matthew turning one. Marisa will be ONE on Sunday. How can that be? When did that happen? WHY!?

She is amazing. I will leave it at that for now and hope I have time to post on Sunday. She is such a grown up girl as evidenced by this photo.

A year ago today I wrote this... Re-reading that post reminds me how far I have come. One would think I would write that about Matthew having changed so much since this post and he has really come into his own but mostly I realized this past year that when it comes to parenting I lacked confidence. I was fearful and nervous and afraid to do or say the wrong thing. I no longer lack confidence. I feel good about my mad parenting skilzzzzzzzzz. That I am going to mess up, even with the best of intentions, my kid may be pissed off at me and he will not like the rules but I still need to be in charge. I am just glad that I have been able to get over that hurdle.

I feel like I am better parent to both my kids by letting go of my insecurities. And rather then freaking out (and writing about it here!) I am talking it out with people who have the best intentions for me. It has offered me strength and a different opinion about the world and how I interact with the world! It makes me feel lighter and free and the fact that I give myself the permission to fuck up well that is nice.

It is crazy that a year has gone by too. A whole year. It felt like five years in one, in a good way. I went from pregnant to not and now I have this walking talking interactive human being. It amazes me. Words fail me. The possibilities are great! I helped to create that human being and now I get to play a part in shaping her.

A daughter. I was always ALWAYS fearful of having a girl! I though 'oh my what if she is like me!' HA. But now I just cannot imagine not knowing what it is like to have a girl - my baby girl. I feel so lucky and honored to raise a baby girl. I want for her more and better than I had. I want her to be without my hang ups and particular set of family issues. I hope she remains a happy, charming smiling little creature with beautiful red hair and the deepest blue eyes and that impish grin, that old soul, that natural curiosity that all kids have. I know that her world is growing and changing as I type. She is amazing.
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