I decided right before Marisa's first birthday that I was going to passionately pursue two things for awhile, just to see how it goes. Maybe in the back of my mind, I was trying to regain some of "me" that has gone dormant for awhile. Two things that I love with all of my heart but have lost in part because I was swept up in the waves of our lives. Births, deaths, new friends and old, travels and taking care of the house, sleep and the constant of daily activity.
If you have not noticed, I have been working on writing. Practicing really. Mostly real life stuff but of course it is fun to embellish a bit but it is mostly real. It has been fun. And hard. Hard to think about what to write and find the time to write. It happens at work in tiny bits and pieces throughout the day or late at night after the kiddies are asleep. I am not sure exactly where to go with it all.
I have been considering my options but likely anything I decide will not happen until the kids are a bit older. It sure would be fun to learn more and become a "better" writer and maybe even make some money doing it but that is a pretty big thing, a big thing to say or do and if nothing ever happens then I have to explain that part to someone. Actually I would mostly need to explain it to myself. Being successful at writing has been a life long dream, simmering like a hot soup on a cold day in the back of my mind. Writing is like that soup. It warms me up and makes me happy, comfy. I can do it on my own and I do not need to answer to anyone. If someone does not like it that is fine I do not need to explain it to anyone. I suppose that was the original point of blogging for me then it turned into stuff for/about the kiddos. And now I am hoping it will be a mix. A place to write and document our lives.
The other thing has been running, exercise, getting fit. I have missed that part of my life that used to entirely consume me, in a good way... mostly. I have this oh so useful degree in Health and Fitness Management which I did because I was really passionate about fitness. I have been playing with the idea (almost entirely in theory!) of getting ACSM certified and trying out personal training for fun. I think I am trying to find a way to use that degree, to do things I love with all of my heart. My job is great - it is a lovely place to be every day and the money is groovy but part of me wishes I could find a way to make money with the skills I have, the idea of doing things I truly feel whole through.
The biggest thing I have discovered about life is that it happens in baby steps. I cannot except it all to happen at once and I feel like the best laid plans are those that happen over time. So I am running and lifting weights and doing sit ups and working on my diet (some days... Hello Dolly bars aside) and I am all set to do yoga this fall.
I find the difficulty in parenting has many parts to it in this modern age for me anyway. I want to be there for my kids as best I can while still retaining things about me and my life before kids in some way. I think the effort I am putting into these two things is small-ish right now but eventually it will pay off later. I am finding ways to fit my passions around the time I have with my kids and work. I know my limits and I know exactly what I want from my time with the babies which is laid back time, unpretentious time, time where things just happened. Where I do not need to force things, nothing set just enjoying the moments as they unfold.
And rather then forcing myself to do things just because I think it is good I am doing these things because it is what I enjoy and where I fall short I am okay with that. My house is not as clean as it once was but the laundry is always done by Monday evening (clean, folded and put away) and our bathrooms and sheets are always clean and I keep the kitchen floors swept up & the dishes done. All else can go to pot and I find the time to do those things after the kids go to bed along with the work out and the writing. I am not a morning person so evenings are my time. I may be tired come morning but it is worth it for now, to be able to fit it all in.
I am trying to subjective here. To see the sunsets with Matthew and read books and sit on the floor throwing the ball with Marisa or just holding her tight while I can. To get fit and write and spend time with Kevin and work hard at work. To be me, in little bits that make up the whole again and again.