Wednesday, October 28, 2009

For Free

Running through the rain drops to the gym last night the air was filled with fall smells. Wet dead brightly colored leaves littered the pathway before me and squished and slipped under my running shoes. My toes grew damp through the tips of my shoes from my short jog from car to building. The smell of wood burning and fresh cool rain mingled with the leaf debris almost made me stop in my tracks last night if I were not wearing shorts and was slightly chilled. I thought this moment - this smell - it will never be the same way again. Sure I will smell that smell again but that moment is gone forever and ever. I am glad I spent the millisecond to think about the smell, to fully appreciate it, and enjoy the brief moment of Fall 2009 - that smell.

The momentary fall smell in the rain and cold made me think of Marisa. Weird right? But really she is at THAT age where I want to gently set her out on the front porch with a "FREE" sign hanging down her chest and quietly close the door and hope she does not notice I am gone because she is totally officially completely a TODDLER (all caps because DUDE she deserves all caps! Heh.)

My Missy has been a handful. I swear kids this age go through a time of mental illness. Happy as a lark for 1 second and madder than a hatter the next. And the madness comes from things like asking to 'eat, eat eat...' and then being put in the highchair to eat eat eat and the look is 'FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND RIGHT WOMAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?' complete with tears and screaming and I guess I imagine that is what she is thinking, in all caps just like that. I am evil for giving her sustenance or a cup of water or changing her draws. But seriously that poop has been in your diaper for 20 minutes Missy and it STINKS, girl. (Note to self when she is a petulant teenager I will remind her of this behavior because I am evil like that!)

Of course, as maddening as her behavior can be on a, oh minute to minute basis, I know that this time is fleeting.

Now by fleeting I do not mean that I can condone being up from 11:30 till 2:30 am when Marisa is all "let's play... in the kitchen and Matthew's room" because that part just plain sucks. I am tired and still getting over a cold and OMG so are you Marisa - for the love of gawd Missy sleep. BTW, I unceremoniously plunked her in her crib at that point and went to bed. I was OVER it. She eventually went to sleep, you know?!

Anyway, the thing with Toddlers and the reason I will never set her out on the front porch with a free sign hanging from her neck is because toddlers are also so super sweet. She hugs me hard and snuggles and kisses and giggles when we tickle her. She is attached to my hip, leg, neck - she is a total Momma's girl right now - adoration and love fills her face when we are together, most of the time!

And I know that is special and will not last forever. I can have whole conversations with Marisa suddenly where I ask questions and she nods 'yes' or 'no' and points and holy crap she tells me what she wants, sort of. Her obsession with dogs rivals Matthew's obsession with construction vehicles at this age and if you are looking to redirect Marisa any old dog will do! She likes to wear a pair of pants and one sock, that's it and it makes us all laugh. She like shoes and dislikes getting her face washed off after meals. She still hates milk but seems to tolerate it more and more. She likes eggs and cheese and bread and fruit and veggies but only certain kinds of everything. She likes to dance and this morning I caught her 'singing' a song and bobbing her head to some tune she heard.

All of these lovely things are tempered by this: when I left this morning she shrieked when I said 'good-bye' sadly, banally one second and was smiley and waving frantically the next.

This age is filled with passion and if I can only remember it if I re-direct Marisa she usually comes through it with only a little pain on my part. She is more easily manipulated then say a two year old and so I am just trying to enjoy the moments because it will not get easier. These moments with her are sweet and I need to remind myself to be proud of myself when I remain calm and move her on to something else that does not include CLAWING her brother's face or head butting me because I know that she is struggling.

She is on the cusp of a major language development, she just grew a crap load so that I can now fit her into 24 month clothing, and she is getting two teeth (which for the record have been coming in for oh I do not know like SIX EFFING MONTHS, just come in already, PLEASE!) On top of all that, she was sick with the same thing I had and my gawd I felt awful SO I can only imagine how she must be feeling.

Some times when I start writing I wonder WHERE on earth is this post going. Generally after I post the entry I think 'What the hell was I thinking posting that entry - bah.' I kind of feel that way about this entry but it is what it is. Sleep eluded me last night and I am still sick but this post is mostly want I wanted to say about Marisa and where we are, why I have not commented much on Marisa recently because I am fiercely in love with her but also there are moments where I feel crazy with her. The good thing about being the second child is that I know that this too shall pass and also that it will get harder and easier and all that jazz.
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