Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween Brou Ha Ha

Yesterday morning, I developed this pimple. It was harmless enough. A little red spot that appeared on my neck. I did what most people do when they get a pimple, I squeezed it (WHAT? I know you do it so stop looking at me like that!) but it just hurt and nothing happened. Throughout the day, I could feel this pimple getting bigger and more fiery red. I checked it out in the mirror later in the day in the washroom at work. I ran my finger over it with mortification. It was huge!

I ran over to Kevin's cubby and showed him. The look of horror on his face and the kind words he spoke to me did not match. When I got home later that evening, Matthew ran up to me to say 'hello' but when he say this monster zit on my neck, he backed away and asked me, "Mommy... what is that?" I was growing frustrated with this pimple and if it was scary to a four year old who likes gross stuff it must be more horrible then I first imagined. I checked on it before making dinner and it had grown even more and now was taking up most of one side of my neck.

After the kids were asleep, I needed to do something to this thing on my neck - it hurt! I got out a washcloth and rinsed it with water till it was hot and I laid it across my monster pimple. It barely soothed it. I was getting desperate. Not even a turtle neck was going to hide this and I joked with Kevin about dressing up my zit for Halloween the next day before turning in.

In the night, I woke up because this zit was THROBBING and painful. In the dark of the bathroom as I passed the mirror to go to the potty, I inspected my zit. I thought surely it could not be bigger!?

This morning it was much much larger and the pain was UNIMAGINABLE! As the day progressed Kevin's words finally matched his look from the previous day. He was worried. He said "Maybe you ought to go to the emergency room, just to get it checked." I fully agreed but it is Halloween and I did not want to miss a thing. Then again this 'thing' was THAT big - sort of like one of those freaky goiters you see from time to time in the National Geographic magazine. I finally relented. Kevin took care of the kids while I drove over to the local ER a few hours before the trick or treating was to commence.

How embarrassing to write on the intake form 'reason for visit: large painful pimple'. The nurse chuckled at my written words until I folded back my black turtleneck to reveal the growth on my neck. She turned white and looked horrified. She tried to pretend to comfort me but I still felt like I a freak show. She hurried back to a curtained area and gave me a paper gown to wear. She rushed out looking back at my "pimple" with a fresh look of sickness. I though it was NOT that bad till I glanced in the little mirror hanging crookedly from the wall. The pimple appeared to have developed a greenish-white head?! UGH, I thought as I changed. I sat on the bed crossed legged and watched one of two static-y channels on the TV both featuring Halloween themed stories (Aliens and Nightmare on Elm Street if you're curious) and listened to the groans and sounds around me.

Finally, a grizzled older doctor walked in. 'SO', he said not looking up from the chart, "you are here for a large pimple?" I was scared now. I replied tentatively "yes... it started out yesterday morning as a tiny red bump but now it is this..." I turned my head slightly to show him my greenish red lump. He nodded unfazed by this growth. He signed and looked exhausted. "Well, let's lance that thing and get some ointment for it and we'll get you home in time to hand out some candy for the kiddies." He yawned.

"Doc? What shift are you on?" I queried. He chuckled. "It shows does it? I am doing a double - 24 hours right now," he said as he glanced at his watch. "One of the other physicians had an emergency appendectomy yesterday and I am covering for her." My mouth formed a perfect 'O'. He left me there for a few minutes and came back on his own. "No nurse?" "No, we are short staffed this Halloween."

He laid out what he needed to lance my pimple and as he did so his hands shook slightly. Oh lordy I thought this guy is going to chop my neck off or fall asleep on me.

He swabbed the area around the pimple with some topical anesthetic. I felt the pain subside ever so slightly. He gingerly touched pimple and move it around. "Whew", he said "this is one heck of zit, eh?" Ummm yeah, thanks for pointing that out. I just nodded still hoping my neck was intact once he was done.

He lifted the small knife and pointed it at the center of my monster pimple and slowly began cutting. As soon as the knife touched my skin, the pimple EXPLODED! EVERYWHERE. Greenish yellow gunk went all over his face, the front of his shirt and the curtain behind him. And his tired eyes widened and he wheeled his chair backwards in fear because...

OUT JUMPED A HUGE UGLY GREEN GOBLIN! We were both screaming and the goblin jumped up and down, shrieking 'HAPPY HALLOWEEN Y'ALL and to all a good night!'

(What? WHAT?! Seriously. I had a big zit on my neck this week but dude I would not have let it get THAT big.)

(Also I am way TOO cheap to go to the emergency room for a zit! And Kevin is even cheaper - the fact that HE suggested the ER should have tipped you off... well that is if you believed any of this story from the get go!?)

(But seriously have a great Halloween!)
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