Friday, March 19, 2010

Cinco de Abril

And so for me the weepy eyed Momma count down begins.  FIVE.  It is ONLY a number, right?  But still... FIVE.

He will be five. My baby will be five years old. In ONE month.

"Oh how old is he?"  "Five."

I am practicing.  I am freaked out.  I cannot believe that Matthew will be five in the time it takes to blink it seems.

I distinctly remember during the early months of his life and, now can I say this, (I suppose I can say anything really, WHO READS THIS STUFF ANYWAY?   Me, that's who!) during those "early years" FIVE was like a light at the end of the tunnel.  FIVE. 

I remember thinking 'if I can make it through today/through this temper tantrum/this illness/this horrible day care situation we can make it to five.  When he is five, it will all be different.  This stage will be gone and FIVE will be here soon enough.'  This helped me SO much on those days when I needed to keep sane.  I was not wishing away his "baby" days but you know I think we all have had THOSE days when they were little and there were those times. 

And now we are almost there.  FIVE.  I have to say that as much as I used that magic age of five as a light at the end of the tunnel in a desperate moment I feel so proud that we have almost made it to five.  I feel so glad like I have had the chance to experience the most amazing transformation.  Like watching those Monarch butterflies transform in the third grade from a funny looking wormy thing to a beautiful butterfly and then out the window they went. 

No, I will not be sending Matthew out the window any time soon but you get the idea - he has changed and he is so different, so big.  He is no longer my baby, or my toddler, or even my little dude that existed just last year.  That child is no more.  He is a regular old big kid.  Tall, thin, muscular, tough as nails (and yet seriously OH SO sensitive), smart, and filled with wonder.  This boy who amazes me all the time.  ALL THE TIME. 

"What are the colors of the rainbow, Matthew?" 
"rojo, naranja, amarillo..." He stops, looks at me funny and smiles a coy smile.
"Well that is great, Matthew.  Can you tell the colors in ENGLISH too?"

He is a bright light in my some times dim feeling world.  I cannot imagine a day without Matthew in my world.  I cannot imagine not howling with laughter at night like we have been doing at night before bed over nothing and everything.  Laying on our backs, our heads sharing a pillow, looking up at ceiling.  I am keenly aware that soon enough he will not want to do this with me any more and so I soak it up more and more with each passing day, how fleeting this time is. 

I cannot imagine the past five years without him and so I feel blessed that the decision was made for me to have a baby all those years ago.  To become a Mommy has been my proudest achievement ever, the best thing that has ever happened to me.  To learn to love so deeply, different from any other imaginable love I have ever experienced. 

My little peanut is going to be...


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