Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Doom Doom Doom

Doom doom doom. I am not sure why I feel this way today. I just do. I would rather be hanging with the kiddos doing Mommy things after all it is SPRING BREAK!  The more I try to focus on the kids and do Mommy things the more I end up focusing less on them and that stresses me out.

I want to NOT make a real meal most nights.  Just take something out of the freezer or order from a form.  But I cannot as I also want to offer up homemade meals just like my mom did.  I struggle with this because my mom did not work.  She stayed home and played with us and cooked homemade dinners... 

I want to leave the dishes in the sink until after they are asleep so I can spend that extra time with just them but if I do that then they will not get done until I get home from the gym in the evening which means sinking my hands into cold greasy water at around 9:00pm, sweeping the kitchen, feeding the dogs, taking the trash out, and not taking a shower until 10:00pm which means I am not going to bed until close to 11pm. Then I realize that even if I do the dishes earlier and clean up and so forth I am still not going to bed until 11pm or after anyway. AND so I am reminding myself here and now to GIVE UP ON THE HOMEMADE MEALS and LEAVE THE STUPID DISHES. Who cares anyway... (Me that is who.)
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I am tired. Almost constantly. I was considering a marathon this fall but the training is problematic. I want to train and do well but man training and doing well makes me tired. And while running itself keeps me sane and helps me to feel good (relatively speaking of course), the whole I am tired thing is getting O-L-D. Then I get all mad and keep whining in my own brain - why did everyone lie to me like this? I cannot have it all whine whine WAILLLLL. If I do one thing, something has to give. I am incapable of doing it all and maybe that is just me. I wonder about this. Are there other Moms out there who can do it all and nothing gives? Because me? I am failing miserably ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
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Hey but I got some kick ass deals at Target yesterday! I bought Marisa two tanks tops and skort thing on clearance and Matthew got a pair of shorts on clearance.

I also found a cute (inexpensive) swimsuit for Marisa online. After some searching and misery in this department I am pleased with what I chose and hope that it fits.
***

I am trying to fill the kid's Easter baskets and I have to say that Easter may be my least favorite holiday of them all. I do not want to fill the basket with candy especially not for Marisa but I cannot get away with giving her nothing and Matthew everything. I cannot get away with doing one thing Matthew and one thing for Marisa because DUDES Matthew sees and knows all and will comment to no end on the disparity of this kind of giving.

SO I bought them both hollow chocolate bunnies and matching M&M Easter eggs. I bought Marisa a book and Matthew a DVD. Matthew will get some Matchbox cars and I am sure I will find some other item for Marisa. The thing that drives me batty about all these Holidays are all the LITTLE things. The crap. The seriously am I buying this just to fill a space because my kids really DO NOT NEED more little things. I feel grinchy for thinking this way but I know how all the little things add up and how hard those little things are to get rid of. See also Matthew never forgets anything.

In fact, Matthew reminded us that the leprechaun brought him the Candyland board game last year. "Remember guys?" Then he went on to describe in detail the whole thing. Kevin and I looked at one another with the dawning realization that DUDE we totally did that last year but we TOTALLY forgot. Yup. FORGOT. Matthew said "remember I had that stomach flu. I got it first, then Daddy then Marisa and Mommy was last. And Daddy I gave you some of that juice to make your tummy feel better. That juice I drink when I am sick, remember?" Dear gawd. SO the leprechaun is bringing books this year. I can live with oodles of books. Toys, BAH.
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Finally, a note to Matthew:

Dear Matthew,

I hope that one day I can be helpful to you with school but I fear that you will far surpass me in the intelligence department by like the second grade so I promise to find the very best tutors I can to help you with Math and Science because I am SO not good at those two subjects.  I won't even tell you how I pathetically managed to pass both topics throughout HS AND I will DEFINITELY NOT let you ever see my sad excuses for grade reports from 5th grade up through college.  Those will remain buried in a box FOREVER until you are old enough to handle it. 

I can, however, Google search just about anything and find things that no one else can so I can kick ass in that regard.  I am good at conjugating verbs in various languages and doing those sentence structure things (do they even do that in school any more???) and I am fairly knowledgable about History.  I like to read (she writes lamely...)

I've got it!  Pop culture, dude, that is truly your ONLY hope from me.  I can tell you ALL about 80s-90s movies and music like you would not believe! 

Just know that I love you dearly and I will go to the ends of the earth to help you. 

Love always,

Your Mommy
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