Thursday, March 18, 2010


I love this time of year.  It is Spring (mostly) with sunshine that allows for a touch of warmth to the air, sunrises that take my breath away, achingly beautiful clear blue skies with puffs of white clouds drifting past, and the air smells crisp, fresh, new, ready to burst forth with flowers, green grass and little itty bitty baby green leaves. 

Last night as I drove home from the gym, the tiniest sliver of moon hung high in the sky with the outline of the whole moon present above that sliver.  It was incredible.  It also made me sigh.  Take a deep breath.  Plunge back into reality.  Recently I have felt off, out of sorts, waiting for something, sad.  It was this time last year when Barb died, when we were all on edge waiting for something that seemed so inevitable but we all remained hopeful, that maybe the inevitable was not going to happen.  Barb would have been 62 in a couple of weeks. 

It was this time five years ago when I waited, swollen, pregnant, ready to have a baby but scared out of my mind to have that baby too.  The surprise baby in so many ways.  We did not plan this baby.  We did not know the sex of this baby and if I am accurate about the timing I am quite certain we had NO boy names picked out for that baby around this time five years ago.  I was waiting for my due date (April 5th) so sure this baby would be on time and he was SO on his own time already arriving many weeks later. 

In trying to take the edge off lately I feel myself falling down a hole lately.  Not being myself, grouchy and unhappy and showing ugly colors that are not what I want to show.  I am often exhausted.  Achingly exhausted from emotional highs and lows of hormones and trying to find a happy place at work.  I keep hoping it is just the end of winter blues.  I have fought those blues hard this year.  This sense of waiting, being out of sorts, deep moments of sorrow that I cannot quite find the words to express. 

I am trying with all of my might to let the sense of negativity go because I want to enjoy what I have been waiting for all these months. Spring.  Warm sunshine.  Laying in the grass.  Letting the kids climb on my tummy and run away giggling into the sunshine.  Walks to the path and back, throwing stones in the stream.  Running in the fresh air.  Gardening.  Pulling weeds and seeing what lovely little flowers pop up around our yard.  Bare feet, shorts, and t shirts.  Grass stained knees and stubbed toes.  Windows thrown open and spring air filtering out the dusty dried up winter smells.  I want to be engaged and enjoy and let go of the past today.  I want to enjoy the reality of today for what it is.  That I am tired.  And that work has been awful and stressful and makes me rant and rave and miserable.  I want to be grateful and let all that is bothering me go.

I am grateful for my healthy beautiful children, and our wonderful sunshiny airy home and a husband who makes me laugh often and who takes care of so much.  I am grateful for good friends, new babies, and my parents.  I am grateful for being able to run, to feel my body rushing ahead, strong and able to move like that still.  I am grateful for being full of intentions and trying to live by those again.  I am grateful for free will, for being in this country at this time in our lives and having choices.  I am grateful for choices, for being alive and well and strong.  I am ready for spring. 
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