This past year has been an exercise is frustration for me. That is the only way I can describe how I have been feeling. It is like an itch that cannot be scratched. A pebble in my shoe. I cannot seem to find the time for me, for the kids, for family and friends and all that I want to do and accomplish. It is not that I am not happy, just frustrated. I need more time. More energy. More of me. I wish I had it all for everyone. I do not and I feel like I am failing most of the time.
Today, my mother in law would have been 62 years old. I often kvetched about her but as far as a MIL goes she was truly a dandy. She really was kind and loving and cared deeply for her family. Let's be honest: I would rather be able to kvetch about her than to miss someone who is gone and cannot come back.
Today, Kevin told Matthew that he sent an email out about raising money for cancer. Matthew asked if Grandpa F got it and Uncle P (they did not - that is my Dad and Bro). Than Matthew said "do you think Grandma in heaven got the letter?" Kevin said "well I am not sure Matthew but I am sure Grandma in heaven can see what we are doing in trying to raise money." Matthew thought about this for a moment and said "I bet Grandma got the letter because a cloud formed into a really big (cloud) envelope that was delivered to her so she could get the news about cancer." Kevin and I both had to look away with tears in our eyes. Never ever doubt the heart and soul of a 4 year old and how they are amazingly smart and touching little creatures.
When I am deeply frustrated as I have felt this past year, with no time and energy and get up and go and all of the negative things I have been feeling, I think of these shining happy little faces and remember my reason on this planet is to let go, to live and love and enjoy and be happy because at the end of it all that it what is most important.