Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Growing Into Five

Matthew has been such a pleasure and challenge the past few months.  He tests his limits but he is sweet and kind.  He pushes buttons but he is suddenly this big boy who runs off to the neighbor's house to play without so much as a look back.  He is smart as a whip learning to read and suddenly just counting things, trying to figure out adding and subtracting as if just a couple of years ago counting to 20 was not hard!  I think I already embarrass him.  He thinks things through and has good ideas.  He likes a good  project and like to discern what the "hypothesis" is for experiments.  He plays tag with the girls from next door and collaborates with them to make rules about how to play the game.  He dresses himself (ha always has) and actually matches his outfits most days.  He is shy and gets nervous in new social situations most especially when we are present.  He is tall and lean and tan with a ready smile on his face.  He is not a baby any more.  He is not a toddler any more.  He is just starting to be a boy, my son named Matthew.  With his own ideas and opinions and thoughts about the world.  I am finding it hard to separate the baby Matthew and this new bigger boy Matthew. 

It is hard to let go in little bits and realize that our rules and regulations need to be dialed back a bit as they are not reasonable or needed the way they once were.  It is hard not to helicopter around him because that is what we know but it is slowly, slowly changing.  Thanks goodness it is a slow process.  My mom was extremely controlling and did not want me to grow up.  She hung on to that control for as long as she could.  I do not want to be like that, I want Matthew to know there are important rules and regulations as a member of our family without stifling whomever he eventually becomes.  I want Matthew to grow and shine and be who he wants to be within reason.  However that is scary for me.  Scary to think I no longer really control all aspects of his life and from here on out I will slowly continue to lose my grip on every aspect of his life.  But it is good and healthy and HARD. 

I read somewhere how we need to start letting go of our child from the moment they are born.  I am getting that idea more and more with each passing day.  In letting go, I am letting him grow, I am letting him become his own person.  It is hard. 

He will always be my little peanut to me but shhh DO NOT TELL HIM I SAID THAT!


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