Thursday, July 22, 2010

Peaceful Tears

I feel like I won the lottery, the work lottery. I have been itching to write about this but it kind of happened that there was SOME drama at work recently both because of my work lottery situation and another co-worker whom I adored who up and quit essentially. He is moving his lovely family whom we also adored to D/FW (Matthew had plans to marry is daughter, an older woman of 7!) Anyway, I think most of the drama has passed like these freaky assed storms we have been experiencing here in Indiana.

Since I had Matthew in 2005, I have struggled with working. I cannot even put into words the feelings I had the moment I left Matthew the first time with Tammy, the first childcare provider we had for Matthew. It was like cutting some painful emotional cord that he and I had. I had no interest to return to work. I cried on the way to and from work daily. I was an emotional wreck. Kevin and I fought bitterly about the situation. In my heart, I knew it was best that I went to work. We wanted to move into a larger home and we needed a new car. I loved my job. Hind sight tells me that having post partum depression for well over a year after Matthew was born did not help the situation, like at all.

We had a nanny that never felt right for a good six months. She was a nice person but not a good fit and we felt terrible almost constantly that we paid her too little probably because we did but also because she told us almost every day, sometimes twice a day, how much experience she had and how much she had made in the past. I think she felt that she was taking a lower position with us by not being paid much and that we did not live in a big fancy house with nice cars, etc… It was sort of a relief when she said she was moving and could no longer work for us.

The other night, Ashley stayed for dinner at our house. It was her birthday and we got to talking about how one of the most horrific days for me was leaving Matthew at daycare the first few times. It actually never got easier for me since I so disliked the center he went to. It smelled funny nearly all of the time, it was never very clean, there was never consistent care for his room EVER and all of the providers who cared for Matthew bitched in my ear about each other and the director which added to my dislike of the situation.

We did eventually find peace in a small at home daycare situation where we felt like it was a 2nd home for Matthew and he was loved and cared for in a better manner then we ever hoped for besides me actually staying at home. I went to work with an actual real life smile on my face every day and everyone noticed my new peace and happy demeanor. It was hard when I became pregnant with Marisa and we realized we could not have both Matthew at one place and bring someone into our home to look after Marisa. I cried... a lot over this new brutal reality, once again uprooting Matthew from a situation and the usual stay at home discussion resurfaced.

When Ashley came into our lives I knew it was not forever. She wanted a baby herself and she is married. She is amazing. We have felt blessed and happy to have found such an amazing person who resonates so well with our family and that we have had the opportunity to have spent well over two years with her is truly amazing. We have so much in common and agree on almost every topic out there in the world.

A few weeks back, my boss and I went for lunch. She has asked me in the past why I do not just stay home. I felt uncomfortable with her questions in the past. First because it hurt my feelings that she thought I was disinterested in my work. I am not. But I did feel pulled in many, many different directions and I was never doing either job particularly well. Weekends were hellish whirlwinds of cleaning and laundry and groceries and trying to fit in quality time with the kids. I have always maintained in my mind that the majority of Mommies in the world do this. I am not alone and I can do it all DAMMIT! The 2nd reason I felt uncomfortable with her questions was I did not have a good answer. Kevin and I had talked it all out not more than a few days before my lunch date with my boss.

I was prepared for her questions this time. I answered her honestly and openly. Then the next day the three of us met and she offered to let me have more flex time or go part time. We figured out quickly that flexing would work a little bit but going more to a part time schedule was a better situation. I would get to be home with Marisa over a four day weekend and I can be at school to pick Matthew up every day.

Ashley is having a baby and basically told us she was going to stay home with her child. I cried so hard the day she told us this it was slightly embarrassing (we were at a Starbucks at the time...) I was sad for the kids who adore her. I was sad that I felt like my kids were losing someone they cared deeply for.

With my new schedule, we offered a part time situation to Ashley to look after just Marisa at Ashley’s home after a maternity leave period. She said yes. SO we get to have continuity of care for Marisa until she is ready to start the pre-K program near our house, Matthew gets to go to school full time which he is dying to do anyway and I get to work and see my kids more as well as having more time to finish chores and what not during weekdays.

I am so happy I could, well you know, cry.

Now I just need to kick productivity at work into HIGH gear.  Still sucking wind over here.  Good ju-ju or karma or whatever would be super dandy right now!  COME ON UNIVERSE GIMME A GIMME!
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