Thursday, July 8, 2010

Wading In

Sometimes I have so much to say here and I do not. 

I have not had a truly good all out panic attack since I lived in Fort Wayne.  Nothing like the sense that someone is stuffing a sock down one's throat so that no air is getting into one's lungs.  SOOOO there's that ball of joy.

I feel drift-y today.  Alone.  Sad.  Bobbing on the ocean currents but not in a good way.  More like that dude in that book with the tiger on the cover.  Castaway feeling.

Sometimes do you know when you are standing on the edge of greatness, looking down into a precipice of awesome and there is nothing that can go wrong?  I am standing on the edge looking down into darkness, and I feel very unsure, feeling like everything that could go wrong is going wrong. 

What to do... what to do...

I have not really had vivid dreams since I was pregnant with Marisa and I have not slept poorly since that time besides the kids/dogs waking me.  I had my first real dream in a long time.  A by-product of the anxiety and stress and fear that is plaguing me at the moment.  A dream that was not all together unpleasant but a dream none the less.  I am not a lover of dreams.  I do not believe they tell us stuff about our subconscious other than to say our conscious is trying to quiet itself if it is under strain.  Sorry Freud. 

I wish I could click my heels together for the perfect solution.  Maybe playing the lottery is a better way to go? 

I probably should not be reading The Road with this mood.  It is kind of adding to it all.

What to do... what to do...

Hope.  I am trying to hope.  Hope for the best.  Hope for the right solution to come along, in the least painful way.  Hoping for hope.

I wish I could find a solution to the matter at hand.  The troubling trouble that I feel once again.  For me and Kevin and the kids.  We are lucky.  Lucky in ways that I cannot explain.  We did not just put a baby in the grave, a one month old beautiful baby girl, who had no hope to live because of crossed wires and genetics that are a bitch.  We are lucky to be alive and healthy, to have one another.  And yet I am still at the bottom looking up and wondering why do these decisions always have to be so painful? 

Why has this been the most difficult thing about having children?  I rage about this in my head.  Why do I have to make this choice as a parent?  Shouldn't I have the choice to do it all without it being painful?

I want to curl on my side and sleep it off.  Fend off the feelings I know are coming in wave after wave.  I know it will pass I know it will go away I know it will be okay. 

But today I feel this way.

What to do... what to do...

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