Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Accounting

Previous week's workout as well as what I was supposed to do last week.

Week of August 16th to August 22nd
Monday-Nothing, nada, nill
Tuesday-3.26 miles (worst most upset stomach on earth)
Wednesday-Nothing, nada, nill (worst most upset stomach on earth) - WAIT I think I did some sit ups
Thursday- 3.18 miles (worst most upset stomach on earth)
Friday-NOTHING, NADA,NILL (seeing a theme?)
Saturday-7 miles in the rainy, cool morning (stomach still turning but less!)
Sunday-3 miles (BEST BEST RUN IN DAYS!)

No strength, barely any stretching and,really, I ate like shit the entire week. Period.

It was a bad week. My ankle and wrist ached and were sore nearly constantly. I was stressed out and grouchy with myself, the kids, my co-workers, the whole fucking world.

I vowed to make this a better week. SO far this week, you know, Monday? It has been more of the same. TODAY here forth it will be better.

I am working on breathing. Trying to work on taking it easy. This too shall pass and one day at a time .  I was digging through all of my old books to put on the new book case and ran across the AA 24 Hour book. It made me smile.  My mom gave it to me years ago and surprisingly as much as she tortured me with AA talk 24/7 growing up I like that one.

Panic has set in that in less than two weeks time I will be part time in my job and while it is a bit like a buoy of hope and excitement as an underlying current the more prevalent feeling is that I AM SCARED OUT OF MY EVER LOVING MIND. What have I done? Why did I do it? What if… what if… money blah blah money blah blah woe.

I also decided after I finish the last row on my pills I am NOT going to keep giving it a chance. It is making me edgy and short tempered and my fuse has been lit so many times OVER nothing for fuck’s sake that I am giving up on it. It has made me stomach upset and my ache worse.  Not to mention that freaky NPR piece on my pill and blood clots and 2,700 pending cases against the effing thing.  I am not sure WHAT to do as I know we have no interest/sadness/desire about having additional babies. We are happy where we are and with the two wonderful wee tots in our lives. We are filled to the brim and we do not wonder about what if but I do not most definitely want another Oppsadaisy. 

The past few months have been raw and difficult and I wonder if this is just the new way that life will be for me. I hope I can get back to finding a happy center. The one revelation I did have last evening when I could not sleep (again) was that I need to make the effort, make the change, I need to work at it or else it just going to keep being raw and difficult and I, for one, do not wish to live my life feeling that way all the time, any more.
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