Thursday, August 5, 2010

Momma Said There Would Be Days Like This...

The kids are sick.  Marisa has some kind of virus, she threw up a couple of times on Sunday night and has been cranky/funky/sicky.  Matthew's nose stuffed up last night and he pitched a fit like he has not since he was maybe three that made me want to stab myself in the eyeballs with those little corn holder thingies. 

I am on something like week five or six of lack of sleep from late night/early morning wakings from BOTH kids.  I cannot seem to force myself to bed before 11pm but then THEY are up in the night or early in the morning.  Kevin does take up some of the slack but most of the time I am just up and do not want to bother him.

I started training for another 1/2 marathon and did super well last week but this week I am already behind and that is bumming me out.

Our lack of meal planning and eating habits have been suffering due to the insanely busy schedule we have been keeping (I strongly dislike YOU T-ball and plan to try to never do it again if I can!) with no real end in sight. 

I made a huge batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies last night rather then run because DAMMIT I felt I needed it.  I needed to just hang out in my house in my kitchen doing something I love and have not had time to do in months and months without being rushed or feeling bad (even though I did feel bad... I did 100 sit ups to make up for that.  It only helped a teeny tiny bit.)

I planned to get up and run at 5-ish this morning to get it out of the way due to the heat but when the alarm went off at 5:15a I had been up three times with Matthew so I said 'fuck it' and went back to sleep. For five minutes.  It was storming out complete with thunder.  Marisa does not like thunder.  I ended up with her cuddling in our chair.  She slept and I sort of "slumbered" for about an hour and a half. 

I am short(er) on temper then usual.  I am tired.  I feel like I am spending my days in a fog or wading through a swamp as the case may be this time of year.  I have been all screechy and yell-y. 

Poor Kevin has poison ivy and we have NO IDEA how he got it but it just seems like it will never end with new spots cropping up here and there and every where. 

This morning as Marisa laid hot and tossing in my arms I decided to make a renewed and concerted effort to just let things go.  For a long time now I have not denied picking up both Marisa or Matthew when they ask me (I know y'all muscles of steel!) because in just a short time I will not be able to do this both because they will not want me too and because I won't be able too.  I was doing this with a grouchy mind set recently so I vowed to stop being grouchy and do it for the right reasons again. Because I love to hold and cuddle my babies while I can!

This morning I vowed to try not to yell so much.  To remain as calm as possible.  To go to bed at a more reasonable hour.  To not be so hard on myself for missing a run.  To enjoy the moments I have now because there is no getting them back.

Being sick sucks at any age.  I know the kids just want and need me/us.  I told myself that being sick is not going to last forever.  That being tired is not going to last forever.  That these moments and days will pass on to better times and all will be well.  I am trying to hang on to these thoughts today because I need to, because life is not fair and we have much worse things to think about and be worried about likes another, new cancer scare in our office from my beloved boss and friend, flippin' global warming.  oil spills destroying the beauty of our coast lines, raging fires in parts of the world that cannot handle raging fire,  gay marriage bans (thank you Judge man in CA, you are giving me hope even if it is short lived, scary politicians, the toxic world we live in, that my kids are swimming in... the list goes on and on. 

My kids are my kids and they are special and I love them especially when I am tired and they are sick.  I want to whine about it all and I have (just now, up there, see yes I know I was whining up there but there is a point to this all I think...) but I know there is SO much more to it than that. 

I have been praying again recently.  Something I have not done in years.  I made a little prayer wall where each day I write a prayer to add to the prayers from each day before.  I want to be more aware of myself and those around me.  How I play a part in the world and how my actions cause ripples and how much those ripples effect the world.  I am trying to just be more aware in letting go.  I have been thinking a lot about this and trying to stay true to it all. 

Today, I am praying for strength.  And maybe one more cup of coffee and possibly some of those yummy cookies. 
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