Monday, August 9, 2010

Sad Flappy Wings

Lately, our weekends have been insane.  Like non stop  I am more tired Monday morning then I was when I left work on Friday.  I kind of love it and I kind of, well, I kind of, hate it.  I keep hoping for a break in the action but I fear this will not happen not with school starting for Matthew in 10 days and counting (by the way the count down to school calendar? Best idea eva!!!)  and soccer and gymnastics and getting runs in and all the 100 million other things I/we want to do.

And with no real good way to change the topic above other then it might tie into something I write below this line...

I have to admit that for the past year-ish, possibly longer, I have been promising myself to change my eating habits.  To lower my intake of food on a daily basis, eat healthier, stop indulging in everything from sugar to beer to greasy chips.  I have made all kinds of excuses for myself about why I eat like crap.  I have always been a numbers gal to top it off so looking at the scale for more then a year with the same stale number is getting old.  The truth is I like to eat junk now and again and I love me a cold beer on a hot night while sitting out on the deck.  I love to indulge in something yummy on a bad day. 

I used to be so hard core about food and developed so many food issues I had an immense fear that my kids would become like me so I have fought hard to let go of bemoaning food in the more vocal and annoying way I used to.   I have run the gamut in my life when it comes to food so I try to remain in the middle.  I give in more then I used to and I wonder if I will ever had a six pack again but even more powerful is wondering if I even want one again!?

The funny thing is that in the big scheme of things I am the hardest on myself.  I hate fast food.  I have never been fan (well except for my unfortunate undergrad and graduate school drinking days when I fully believed the true cure for a hangover was a BK meal deal ;)  I like most things in moderation and quickly grow bored with foods if I eat them too often (ice cream or pizza for instance.) 

I thought about going back to being a vegetarian (off and on since I was 13!) but bah to that.  It is too hard on our family for me to be a veg and them not to be.  It is time consuming and kind of stressful to find the right meals made up of the right foods and I feel like I have a happy middle right now.  We eat poultry.  That is it.  Beef has never ever been my thing, I do not pine for beef but I do like me a good turkey burger and some meaty turkey pasta sauce.  Plus it is lean and not so bad for you and we can eat together as a family.  To top it off the reason I started eating poultry again was because I am nearly constantly iron deficient without eating poultry even when taking massive amounts of iron.  DOH.

The choice to eat less is stupid.  I have extremely low blood pressure and when my blood sugar drops, watch out mother effers, I am mean.  So I just need to keep on keeping in the eating department especially given our current rigorous schedule.  After much thought the past couple of weeks about this I came to discover the problem is not food per say it is time, motivation and, the worst one of all for me, DISCIPLINE

The struggle to lose weight falls into a time category.  I make time to run.  That is it.  Running is great by itself in some ways.  The truth is that I need to figure out a way to fit in cross training.  I need to lift weights, do sit ups and do something other then run.  Running is easy.  I throw on my clothes and shoes and GO.  We have a little gym set up in the basement and plenty of room to do what I need to do but I hardly ever actually do anything down there.

Truly, I lack motivation.  I am trying to come up with motivation.  I keep trying to get myself down the stairs to do the weights/bike/yoga.  More often then not I find myself holed up on the couch watching Big Brother.  The thing is we bought TV so I could watch Big Brother while working out!  Double DOH.  How the hell do I get myself down those steps?

Two weeks ago, I actually went down on Monday which is my strength and stretch day.  I did the whole weight workout in my work clothes!  Not ideal but I realized at that moment that I needed to just do it however I can.  Trick my mind into doing it, whatever.

At the end of that day I am finding the time, motivation and discipline to run five days out of seven because I have a race I want to run and not kill myself while running in October.  The strength and stretching part of my life, the losing 10 lbs part of my life, the looking HAWTT part of my brain just wants all of it to happen without all of the work and looking hot* is not like running 13.1 miles, I get less from it then I do when I cross that finish line (or at least that is how I feel, freak competitive gene.)  I need to figure out a mind game to play that gets me down there doing what I need to do, I need to figure out a 'mind fuck' (pardon the language) to get myself to the YMCA to swim or take a class, I need to do it or else I am just going to keep having this stupid conversation with myself on this blog. 

Today, I will use my sad flappy wings (what used to be these things... biceps and triceps?  Heard of them?!) to motivate.  That is my one and only goal.  To get my arms in shape again by the end of this year.  We will see how that goes.  Not to worry, if you follow me on Facebook, I will still be drinking beer and eating Smarties and Cheese quesadillas but maybe, just maybe, I will have better pipes to lift that all to my wide open drooling maw! 

*When I say 'looking hot', I do not really care what anyone thinks of me and my general hotness.  I just want to look and feel good for me. Okay and truth be told I like muscular pipes! 

Unexpected topic change, am I the only one who does not get Twitter on this planet???  HALP ME.
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