Monday, September 27, 2010

Grace In the Small Things

"Parenthood is pain and sacrifice
and the extinction of free time
and the postponing of dreams
and the scrabbling in the folds
of the couch for spare change and sanity,
peppered with flashes of pure joy.
There's too much propaganda claiming the opposite.
That, mostly, parenthood is pure joy
peppered with cluster feeding.

Propaganda is dangerous.
It makes us feel like we're all doing it wrong.
Like we've been passed over
by an absent grace when really,
grace is a rare phenomenon.
As rare as a full night of sleep."

I love this...

A friend recently told me
that she appreciated that I shared
I was having a rough time of it
lately with the kids and
a wickedly short temper
due to hormone insanity/exhaustion/illness. 

I have not been able to stop thinking about this quote
and what my friend said. 
Because I think we all feel this way. 
We all feel pain and sacrifice
and extinction of free time and postponing of dreams
and a shortness of money and sanity
but man when my kids hug me or giggle
or achieve some amazing goal
it is like my heart explodes
like the biggest and best fireworks show ever. 

I tend to hold everything inside
about how I feel especially about parenting.
Parenthood is the most amazing gift with strings attached. 
at times those strings...
they are heart wrenchingly painful strings.

M Bug told us a story about how a girl,
Mrs. Tiger, threw a rock at him on the playground. 
That he dodged the rock then picked it up
and threw it back at her,
striking her in the face. 
The teacher (?) on the playground told him
she was going to get him into a lot
of trouble with his teacher. 
Clearly that person forgot as there
was no note home or a call
or anything like that. 
It was hard to hear if indeed this truly happened. 
I have a feeling the rock incident was not
meant to be harmful by either child
but it still made me sad to the core.

I was talking to another Mommy,
our neighbor, and she looked me
and quietly said "I wish I could
keep L in a little bubble you know? 
But I can't and I know it." 
I sadly nodded to her. 
I knew... I know exactly what she means. 


I was washing Matthew's hand off
with a wash rag today. 
It was early and he was compliant about it. 
Normally I would just send him
off to the washroom to clean his
hands but he was watching TV and
he was mellow and I thought
what the heck.  As I held his hands in mine,
I realized how big they have become. 
Boy hands. 
It used to take me just
a second to swipe both of his hands clean. 
Now I have to hold each hand
seperately to clean them. 
He has big paws. 
He is a big kid. 
The boy down the road from his class
turned 6 just after school started
and Matthew stands head and shoulders over him. 

It is those little things like
how huge his hands are or
how tall he is compared to a six year old
that shock me and remind me to enjoy each moment. 

There is grace in the small moments. 
There is joy and happiness
and terrible sorrow in the future
if I do not stop and enjoy all of the moments now.

My pure joy is now,
at this very moment. 
Even despite the rare night of good sleep.

M Bug and Missy Outrunning Cancer for Grandma

Missy speaks softly and carries a big stick...
(taken on the crappy cell phone camera
BUT how did I live without it before!!)

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