Sunday, October 17, 2010

Run for Your Children

Sometimes we blink and life is gone.  I have been working with all of my might to live in the 'now'.  Being here now and letting go of the past, not worrying about the future, just living for right now, it is so powerful. 

On Saturday morning, I ran my second half marathon.  I was not scared like I was the first time.  I knew what to expect.  I felt prepared.  My tummy fat did not jiggle as much as it did back in April.  I had some aches and pains but I have learned to live with them. 

I had an amazing first five miles.  Then it dawned on me that dammit my ankle hurts.  And not the usual left one but my right one.  I knew I stumbled off that side walk a bit when my feet were cold as ice numb.  Surely it was nothing.  So I ran and ignored it. 

I kept reminding myself of living in the now.  I kept thinking of Missy saying "One more run Momma, right?  One more run" with that sweet little face turned up toward me hoping I would both run and stay home all at once.  And her happy face when she says "Momma nunning?  Momma nunning?" before she takes off running herself.  How M Bug just runs his rump off every time he gets on the play ground.  He just goes and goes and he is five and that is what boys do but somewhere deep in his heart I hope he thinks he is running like me. 

It was the most breath taking of days.  I am so very glad I had the chance to experience this location on a sunny warm beautiful colorful fall day.  I was so grateful for so people yelling on the course, not for me but just to see and hear people cheering helped. There was one point where I passed a golf tee and the golfers were getting ready to swing and the sun was rising up and it was like a picture.  There was the lake scene with the runners mirrored in the lake.  I was grateful to see two friends out on the course at various times to wave and shout and have familiar faces out there.  There was another moment, when these two Canadian geese rose up over the colorful trees and I just took this deep breath and it smelled like fall and I was in awe at that moment that I was doing this, I could physically and mentally do this. 

I had tears in my eyes during that Florence and the Machine song that says Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father, Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers; Leave all your love and your longing behind; You cant carry it with you if you want to survive.'  There were the quiet moments on the trail where I voluntarily took my headphones off and I am so glad that I did.  To hear my breathing and the pounding of feet and all of the other people around me trying to do their best.

That helped me get through it all.  Even though I knew my pace had slowed down significantly by mile 7.  Even though every hill both up and down each were a separate little time in hell.  Like someone was stabbing my ankle with a knife, like a big fucking butcher knife!  I ran most of the 2nd half of the race on the ball of my right foot.  Even though by the 2nd half of the run, I knew something was definitely NOT right. 

I made it!  I did it.  I did the 13.1 miles and it was not my fastest time (1:59.15), you know out of the two 1/2 marathons that I have done, but I was happy.  I did it.  I did it well.  I made it through injured.  And dammit I had a fucking amazing time doing it.

Today, I cannot walk.  Today, my ankle is swollen and it hurts so badly.  A good way to describe is that it my ankle is more like a cankle as this moment in time.  I have iced and rested and compressed and it is getting worse.  While this is a bummer...

It was worth it.  A little bit for me but mostly for them.

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