Today is the day I turn thirty something. My bestest girlfriend in the wide world called and left a message yesterday and she (who is exactly 1 year and 1 week older then me) said "OHMYGAWD C we are almost FORTY." I am a little freaked out by it but less so then in the last couple of years.
It is amazing to me how in past birthdays I always felt so tentative and unsure about me, about my life, about the people around me. This past year, I finally took control. I am surrounded by the best people for me today. I am filled with happiness most of the time. I am living for today, with the power of now, I am realizing that I have the power to let go of my past and not stare into the future dreaming/hoping/longing for something that has not happened or may not happen.
I am just enjoying each moment as they come.
When K and I were dating for a few years we made a list of things that drove us crazy about the other. The #1 thing that bothered K about me was that "I longed excessively for luxury items." This was appalling to me! Now taken in the context of that time, it makes more sense. I was poor as HELL during my college years and after until I was probably about 30 years old but growing up I lived essentially in luxury. Middle class blah de blah woe middle class to poorness sucks - you know the normal shit of life. It was hard to go from a normal middle class wealth down to owning NOTHING except what I could pack into my broken down pathetic two tone Tempo and most of that stuff was a pile of junk.
It took me a long time to realize that having nothing was a good thing for me. It made me more humble, it made me work harder for what I have today and it made me see that keeping up with the Jones was not all that. I have learned to long excessively for nothing.
We are very careful with money. We feel strongly about living with less. We work hard to make money and we enjoy life but we do not have any of the bells and whistles. We are cheap and I kind of like it. This is a massive change in me though.
I realize now that 30 was definitely a turning point for me but it has taken me seven long years to get to this point of feeling different. I am a slow learner. But really as one of my co-workers said 'Isn't growing up wonderful?!' And it is. It is amazing to me how focused I used to me on looks and the appearance of my home and life. That having fancy shit does not make you a deep and meaningful person and it will most definitely not make people like someone more. Moving my home or my stuff in my home around is not going to change me on in the inside. That comes from a whole other place. That comes from being me and loving that and not letting all of the other voices (negative, depressed, etc) in.
What I love from this past year (since turning 36): I have run two half marathons, a 10k, and three 5k races and truly loved every moment of every race/training. I love that we had the most amazing Smoky Mountain vacation and we got to see the Winter Olympics. I loved seeing my Auntie for the 1st time in 20 years and reconnecting with cousins on FB!! I love that we are finally fixing up the basement room and it is slowly becoming my favorite room in the house. I love the connections I have made with old, lost friends on FB. I love to watch my children grow and change. I love being here to see each season's beauty and I think about Barb and Zachary who cannot do that any more. I love our home, our yard and our neighborhood. I love that M Bug started and has embraced Kindergarten. I love to hear Missy speaking whole sentences and counting and learning and all the amazing things that two year olds can do. I love that I was given the opportunity to work part time. I love that SF Giants won the World Series! I loved taking photos this year. I loved our trips to Seattle and Winnipeg this year. I loved watching K work so hard to raise money to honor his mother.
What I am looking forward to (during my 37th year): I am looking forward to going to my 20 year high school reunion. I am looking forward to seeing California, San Jose, SF, and THE OCEAN again. I am looking forward to learning how to surf when I go to CA! I am looking forward to the holidays and a visit from my mother (however that may turn out!) I am looking forward to French Lick in December. I am looking forward to our annual Seattle and Winnipeg trips. I am looking forward to painting some other rooms in our house this coming year. I am looking forward to whatever trips we end up making regionally and I am hoping to maybe get to Ontario to see my cousin and her fam. I am looking forward to buying furniture for the kid's rooms! I am looking forward to winter and snow and snuggling up by the fire. I am looking forward to Starbucks (always :)! I am looking forward to finding a new Nanny for the kids. I am looking forward to having Missy start pre-K in the fall. I am looking forward to training/running in the Chicago Marathon in the fall! I am looking forward being with my family and friends every day, to see the kids grow and change and continue on my journey in my new work situation.