Monday, January 24, 2011

Longing

Late this morning, the throbbing dull aching started to subside. 
I was overcome in the early morning hours on Sunday with a migraine. 
Brought on by stress and not sleeping well lately and sudden inertia. 
I went from working out four times a week through December to nothing in January. 
I know the reasons why. 

Work, a new year, it is always stressful
and there was added stress with some certain issues there, again. 

Nanny, finding the right person to replace our beloved A. 
It was harder to do than I thought. 
And of course like everything to do with my kids,
I worried once we had someone in place. 
Is this the right person? 
Would Missy be okay with her? 
Would the transition be hellish? 
Or easy? 
The answers are yes, yes, no yes.
We are okay.

There are the usual winter blues. 
I am keeping at my vitamin D which does help
but lo I was on the last week of my pill. 
My fifth new pill in so many months. 
I feel as if I am never going to find a happy place
with that which is kind of freaking me out/bumming me out. 

I am done with winter. 
I am done with cold dark mornings and cold dark evenings. 
I am done with being stuck inside with
a wild two year and a pent up five year old. 
I am done with winter's hold on our lives. 

Yesterday, Sunday was a long difficult day. 
I was exhausted, on edge and fighting to keep my head above water. 
We all paid for my migraine yesterday. 
K and I were at wit's end and nothing seemed to improve this mood. 
I could not manage to check my emotions and no matter what I did -
 Tylenol, heating pad, Arnica and massage,
naps, stretching, caffeine, rinse repeat, I felt miserable. 
I was sick, close to throwing up all evening,
I was seeing fine wavy lights and
I could not, no matter how much I wanted to, sleep. 

Both kids were up half the night as well. 
Missy was having bad dreams and M Bug was cold all night long. 

I woke up this way this morning feeling just as bad. 

When a migraine starts to subside,
it is like waking up from a bad dream. 
I am so shocked by how I was, how I felt. 
It is as intense as having the 24 hour stomach flu. 
I hope I do not feel this way for a long time to come.

Today I was reminded, that this migraine reinforced
that I need ** NEED** to take care of myself. 
Get back into a regular workout routine,
eat healthier again
and generally just calm the fuck down!

I am trying. 
I know winter will end. 
I know the snow will melt and the sun will shine. 
I know I know I know. 

Now... I just need to believe it even as
I stare out these winter windows.
Spring come back.
I miss you.

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