Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Beyaz is my BIATCH

I am SO over birth control.
I quit it cold turkey…again.
I am so not thrilled about that.
I am so not thrilled about the effects that will have on my body for the next six months.
I am so thrilled about the toll it is already taking on my mind/body/spirit already.
Torture. It is the best way to describe the past six months of trying out birth control again.

Beyaz, Yaz and the generic form of Yaz suck.
Sure, my acne is gone almost completely.
That is about all the good I can say about these products.

I am tired constantly and my motivation levels are shot.

I am moody but not in the usual oh she’s moody way.
More like ‘die bitch bloody murder moody to all I love you, you are the best moody in milliseconds (to no one in particular btw just how I feel at any given moment.)
Now I have always been a moody gal but this? This is extreme moodiness. Painful evil moodiness. I can no more control the tide of emotions that I’ve had the past couple of months then I can stop breathing on demand.

It is hard to tell if this is entirely pill related.*
I have been under a mountain of pressure. Work related and child/child care related and just general life related. The pressure has been astounding and I find as I age I deal with it less and less well. I do not believe that last sentence to be properly structured, I do not care.

I have had almost a dozen migraine headaches since starting Beyaz. One migraine that I have presently I have been nursing for two weeks. Imagine the moodiness that is causing.

The fucking buzzing is back. When I was on the generic form of Yaz last year I had this low grade near constant buzz. It stopped as soon as I stopped that pill. FUCKING weird.

I have gained six pounds since starting on this pill and the bloating… OY, the bloat.

The four days of period that Beyaz allows for is a whirl of headaches, cramping, pain and rage and then it is done. FOUR DAYS OF HELL for all involved in my life.

I have not cried this much in 11 years. No joke. I cry all the time. I cry in front of my kids, in my bedroom, in the shower, in the bathroom, in the middle of night, I feel as if I am going INSANE. That’s neat.

Maybe I am. Maybe I always was?! YAY. Of course, insanity does run on both sides of my family. There was that Aunt on my Dad’s side and another cousin or Aunt or niece on my Mom’s side… so who knows. And depression and mental illness. Did I mention breast cancer and Parkinson’s disease and heart attacks OMG kill me now? Genetics can be a major bitch.

But I would rather not speed my way to the genetic coding that may or may not live inside of me by mucking up the already dangerously tenuous emotional/hormonal side of things.

K says I should go back to my doctor and see what else we can do birth control wise. I fear that I will spend another six months to a year doing this make me crazy thing before I say STOP. I know part of his desire to have me on the pill is so I will not get on his back about going to the boy doctor and we do not want more children. I do not want to go back to acne and the usual PMS related stuff but I feel like the alternative is feeling like I am going bonkers. Going bonkers and being a productive worker and a good mother/wife/human being do not, decidedly, go hand in hand, I promise you that.

Once I am off the pill and I am able to see straight again, I can reassess how I am feeling. If I am really going nutso we can go from there!

YAY for crazy.
* I have not been taking the pill for all of four days and I feel 110% better.  It's crazy.  Maybe Charlie Sheen is on Beyaz?
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