Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Flow

I think that good honest writing is a way to clear the soul and I need a damn good cleansing at the moment.  I have been blogging less but I realized recently I still write blog posts in my mind, I still think I want to write this or that down, and I still want to but life has been utterly insane. There was that freaking mammogram/breast ultrasound/meeting with a Radiologist because I thought the worst.  It was not, the girls are a-okay, yo.  Now we have moved on to the endless blood draws.  Why oh why were her breasts leaking/painful and her hair falling out?  I say I am in the early stages of menopause but what the fuck do I know?  So yeah, in case you're curious, mammograms suck hinny. 

There are the kids.  The kids I keep hoping they will outgrow a stage and when one does the other starts acting like a nut job.  I had to grab the back of Missy's head (as in her HAIR) yesterday to stop her from ramming headlong into a glass table as she was running away from me because I was trying to ask her about cutting her flipping nails!???!  No really. I mean I was simply asking her if she needed her nails cut because she was biting on them.  I think she thinks this is funny, I do not and I was horrified.  Just ONE example of the parenting hell I have felt lately.

Finally, and definitely not last nor least, there is the whole my Dad and Mom are aging rapidly and it is scary.  It is scary for your parents to grow old and be far away from them so you cannot help them and any advice you offer is ignored and did I mentioned being far away from them is really hard??  It is sort of like parenting to your parents is a little like parenting to your toddlers and I am not saying my parents are toddlers but they are their own people and they do not want their know it all snotty 37 year old daughter telling them what to do, you know? 

The reality of alcoholism is still so fresh in my mind that it haunts me so that I sit awake most night worried about everything. 

I fended off a massive panic attack the other day simply because Missy was in the car with me. 

AND if K and I and our marriage make it out of these early years of parenting alive, we can literally do anything as a couple. 

This summer has been funky and sort of fucked up for me.  I keep trying to find a glass half full somewhere.  I got a new job at work!  That is great but a ton of work that I feel like I hardly have time to execute and despite the fact they told me I have SIX months to transition but the reality is I have like six weeks... Totally stressful even though YAY NEW JOB, MORE MONEY!!!

M Bug turned six and I keep hoping it will be a tad easier.  The problem with six is not so much that he is an issue as he and his sister getting along and her being two are the issues.  They fight, they natter, they bitch, they complain, they pinch and bite and claw at each other like wild beasts!  GAW.  And yet M Bug is sweet, smart, fun, laid back, totally amazing. I want to see that but all I feel I sometimes focus on are the negatives with them.  It is driving me crazy.

I just feel like one step forward and fifty steps back.  I keep thinking "this" will change.  Frankly, I have been thinking this for literally a year now so I need to stop the madness. I need to stop hoping things will change, that the funk will go away and just make it go away.  For about half a year now I keep saying I am going to get in shape and run.  This is a good example of the funk.  I throw something that is very important out the window in lieu of other issues/struggles/problems.  Rather than realizing that doing the exercise helps me to be less funkalious (which is a little like that annoying Pinkalious, only worse...)  

I am so disappointed in myself, in my feelings, how out of sorts I feel I always am and the fact that I know how to be less out of sort, less feeling sorry for myself, less negative. 

I hope I can figure it out sooner rather than later.  I hope I can let go of the negative and move forward with the positive.  I just want life to feel like less of struggle every single day, I want to see the light and feel great about things again, I want to move into a life "flow".  It has been a long time since I've felt flow in my life, it would be fine to get back to that for myself, for the kids, for K, for my family and friends.  It is important that I make that effort now.
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