Thursday, November 17, 2011

Heartsong

Sometimes I want to run away and hide from the kids. I feel like my back is up against the wall. I cannot breath and I look around and wonder WHY and HOW and WHAT AM I GOING TO DO. I feel like I am drowning because of it all. I am not sure if that is normal and I wonder how to get back to where I feel good and not so backed into a corner.

Than I talk to the mom next to me at basketball as the coach is loudly frustrated with 12 first graders and she says “oh at least I am not the only one who gets loud and yells when I am frustrated!” And I nod and agree and I feel a tiny bit better knowing I am not alone.

And I chat with my best friends in the world, girls that have been there for me through it all, and they remind me too that they yell or get mad and feel like ducking into the bathroom for a good cry but it never lasts forever.

Or I hold that little baby at gymnastics who is so content to suck on a finger and watch the world go by  with a drooling warm smile and he felt so light in my arms and I remember those sweet early days before the kids could walk or talk. Those early days are a reminder of my kids then in the midst of the sometimes chaotic moments with the kids now when they hit or yell or act unruly.

M Bug’s teacher is so glowing about M Bug, how kind and well mannered and helpful he is.  S who takes care of Missy tells me how helpful and kind she is during the day. So that I know in my heart it is all going to be all right. That we are doing a great job and my kids are doing well out there, in the great wide world and no one ever said parenting was going to be easy.

M Bug will still come back sometimes to me or just stop me and say 'Mom, I still need hugs' and the light goes back on, the sense of song flows back slowly, it can go away but it cannot be forgotten and we have a good long hug.

I shelve those fears and emotions that sometimes well up when I feel overwhelmed by it all for all of these reasons. I step away from the wall I have backed up into, take a deep breath and smile. Often it helps to remember I am not alone and that nothing lasts forever with these kiddos.  And I go forward with a song in my heart, a whisper from those long gone babies, and a smile and laughter that fills the void and recreates the scene, always, for the better.
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