I've been thinking a lot lately about how badly I've been feeling. Work related situations. Wash rinse repeat. I wish I could just consistently do well at work so relieve the pressure. At the moment, it is what it is but it is just effecting my life is deep and profound ways.
I do not sleep well. I have a hard time getting to sleep. I am struggling with massive amounts of anxiety which involves trouble breathing and sharp pains in my chest. I am tired often and short of temper more often. I am just not feeling grand.
This evening on my misty ride home from running, I was trying to come up with ways to lighten up especially when I am feeling this way because of... work. Bah. I got to thinking about special moments. Moments that are simple yet amazing and wonderful and make me smile and warm my heart in the midst of my chaos. They are also simple moments, there is nothing complex about most of these things but if I stop to think about them they bring me back down to earth, they remind me that there is more to this life than... work.
So here are my happiest to moments as of late...
When Missy wakes up in that warm space beside me smiling and pats my hand gently and says "Hi Momma".
M Bug likes to rest his hand or foot on my arm or leg when we are watching the television.
How gleefully excited Missy is about Ralph the Elf. She races to find me and show me where that wacky elf ended up, what shenanigans he's gotten into and the way her whole face lights up in that moment.
Catching her talking to Ralph this morning, telling him how Lucy is the bad dog for ripping up the towels in her crate and making a mess but Santana's not a bad dog but even thought Lucy's bad for doing that she's really not that bad.
Sitting around the dinner table at night and just listening to the kids talk about their days or something silly that happened, even the little arguments are sweet... sometimes.
Both kids give me these looks. Missy raises a brow or smiles ever so charmingly about something brilliant that she's done or M Bug cracks a joke and looks so pleased about what he's said.
M Bug getting a 9/9 and 10/10 on his spelling and math tests respectively this week. This is not unusual but he seemed particularly pleased with the results this week.
The way that women, mothers and grandmothers, chit chat to one another in the isles at Target. I feel like I have all these amazing interactions everywhere I go in part because I am mother. I will never ever feel bad for being a mother and enjoying that, work is not worth that.
How Missy picks out a new dolly each night to sleep with like she wants to give them all equal time.
The kids will do or say something that is sweet or funny and K and I will catch the other's eye and smile like a little secret between us.
How amazing it feels to run. Even if I am having the worst day, I know when I run all the shit from my bad day will just fall away and I have that time to not think about anything else but running and I am happy for that.