Saturday, January 7, 2012

Trying to Find Happy

It seems like 98% (a very random unscientific percentage pulled out of my ass!) of the blogs I read said 2011 sucked... perhaps they said this more eloquently than I just did.  You get the idea.  I would have to say that 2011 did not suck for me so much as being filled with perceived intense highs and lows. 

I know I felt intensely happy at various time especially during the first half of the year.  There was a shift around the trip to Seattle.  Things did not go well there.  It was not fun, we yelled a lot both at the kids and at each other.  I felt listless, unhappy and angry before during and after that trip.

I feel decisions got out of hand around that time.  I know I can pinpoint that Fourth of July trip as the shift from happy highs to limitless lows. 

Santana's death on the second day of 2012 will not define this year.  After five days of deep thought and soul bearing sadness, I know that Santana was very sick for a very long time.  He was not the happiest little dog for a long while.  And so at the end of the day, we did the best we could and I need to know that.  I need to remember what an amazing life we tried to give to him and how deeply we loved him, our little fur baby.

Never in my wildest imaginings, did I consider this would be the way I would bring in the new year.  I am up for the challenge.  By nature when I am upset or unhappy I clean.  So I have been cleaning.  Dusting, sweeping, carpet cleaning, vacuuming, reordering cupboards and closets.

I feel like this is the year I will find happy and not just in bits and fits but a more even keel normal level of happy.  I cannot keep doing highs and lows.  They drain me, the drain us, they are just not healthy and I want to be healthy and happy this year.

To that end, I stopped making resolutions a while back.  I am not good at them.  I feel guilty because I generally never achieve them.  I am looking forward to things this year.  Even if they these things never happen that is okay.  I need to look forward. I need to see what I can possibly consider that will bring happiness in 2012.

I am looking forward to training and running my first marathon (and another half!)

I am considering a swim or two this year.  We shall see... I will not be sad if I do not achieve this one.

I am looking forward to exploring the cities around us this year.

I am looking forward to watching Missy in Gymnastics and M Bug in Hockey and Soccer.

I am looking forward to getting to know Lucy dog better.

I am excited to garden this spring and summer.

I have a plan to start reading again.

I am looking forward to really enjoying some one on one time with K again.  We have struggled off and on dealing with the stress of work. 

I am planning to work like I do not care about who is looking over my shoulder any more.  My boss throws me off course and every time she does this my world spins out of control.  That is ridiculous.

I am looking forward to visiting Seattle and Winnipeg this year and making the best of those visits, rather than the worst.

I am looking forward to really painting some of our house this year and giving some of that project to a painter!

I am looking forward to getting a closet system in the master bedroom and redoing the "game closet".

I am looking forward to drinking beers on the back deck with friends and enjoying every moment I have on this earth.

I am excited to use one of three new cookbooks I received for Christmas.  I am planning to really explore in the kitchen again.  I did that in 2010 and it was pure happiness!
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