Tuesday, May 15, 2012

On Being Mom

I love it. I do. I know I am sometimes confounded by it and sometimes I yell and feel at my wit’s end but at the end of the day, I love it.

My pride in my family, my children, our home and our lives… there are no words.

I often wonder what we would be doing without those two little hooligans who inhabit our world. I am sure something mundane like coffee and a newspaper on the private terrace of our rented villa in Spain… hahahaha (well sort of…)

I would not trade a rented villa in Spain and all of the quiet in the world for any of the daily craziness we have.

I savor the noise and confusion today. One day recently it was quiet. K took the kids on some expedition and I stood in the middle of the house and wondered what to do. There were a million things that needed to be done while I had no one under foot and yet it was so quiet, I literally stopped in my footsteps and listened. For a moment, I thought it is just too quiet. It is not too far from now that noise will simply cease. The kids will get big and bigger and I will grow old and older. Things happen so quickly and then the quiet will be deafening. I swept on and was grateful for the creaky noise the garage door knob makes knowing that those little bits of noise and energy were back.

There can be drudgery in parenting to be sure. Sleepless nights, and sticky fingers and moments that you never imagined in your wildest imaginings as a kid about what parenthood must be like. It is not until we all grow up enough to really step back and see then we really know, we recall those tense moments our own parents must have surely felt or those times when they gulped back shame/sadness/anger/you name the emotion because we kids did or said something that felt okay back then as a kid but now we know, we truly know, how they felt.

Life is one big circle. My mother, god love her, used to shout at me, “one day… arg, one day will you know!” She was right though she needn’t have been so angry about it. Because in one fell swoop I know both the anguish and soaring amazing wonder that she spoke of, I know what it is to be a mother! Perhaps along the way she forgot the good parts? She also loving told me when we kids were/are horrible, ‘well what goes around comes around…’ Err oh dear mother I love you but do not say that because no one should ever wish anything bad upon anyone else. That is simply not nice.

Dearly I think and wonder what it must have been like for my own Grandmothers to mother my parents and so forth. I often contemplate that. How harsh and yet unharsh (that last word? I might have made it up!) life might have been in the mid-forties and fifties and earlier still for my great grand parents in the early turn of the last century. I am amazed by motherhood. How we survive, each generation, to produce another one. How noisy and then quiet each house must have been in turn. So I cherished that aspect of things on mother’s day.

I loved the homemade breakfast that spelled out l-o-v-e and the giggles and whispers in planning this from my impish seven year old and the excited tones resounding down the hallway from my three year old who rounded the corner and held out a store bought card and a teddy bear with chocolates and behind all of that her bewitching smile. One that I know, partly mine and partly K’s. I loved my quiet moment in the sun with the kids in the background watching Scooby-Doo and those passing hugs and kisses from both kids who slipped in special Happy Mother’s Day moments all day long. I could not have asked for a more special day, we did nothing much and yet that is all I wanted.

Each generation lays one on top of another and it is a little ethereal when you get down to it. Those smiles, the eyes, the shape of the nose, the temperament and personality coming down from many mothers in the past, it is not of this world, it is spiritual in a way one never thinks of and hardly ever considers. Oh I love that, this motherhood thing, it is amazing and heartbreaking and spiritual and definitely worth missing out on that imagined rented Spanish villa. I will always trade any 'what could have beens' for what I do have and that is being a mother, here and now.

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