Monday, September 3, 2012

Measuring up

I realize I have neglected this space AND the last post I wrote was a negative albeit sarcastic, truthful note about my life.  I also realized in the middle of the night last night during a usual few hours of insomnia that I had my blog linked up to Instagram and well that was stupid because I post Instagram photos to FB and I have people on FB from work and oh you see the downward spiral I am feeling right now?  I was really angry for the record regarding that last post and it felt good to write what I did because I was being slightly silly and slightly serious and I do not think many people read or would even click on that link from Instagram but if they do/did, sorry in the sense that this is my space to speak my mind and has been since 2006 (or something like that, I am too lazy to look to be honest!)  I know one of the things I have said over and over about this space this past year or so it that I miss it.  That it is my outlet.  I discovered last Monday that two of my teeth have cavities in them likely from acid reflux.  That was an awful discovery and I feel like a failure in some regard... I guess I did not think about my teeth rotting out from stress and anxiety. 

When I was young, my sister had stomach ulcers from stress.  Or at least that is what I remember.  It seemed terrible and for years every time my stomach would hurt the hypochondriac in me would think ULCERS!  When in fact it was not.  However, one thing that I do know as I am more advanced in age is that I hold my stress in my stomach.  I can feel it like a ball of hard wax sitting there when I am stressed out and anxious.  The past ten years as I have mentioned my anxiety levels have increased exponentially as have my stress levels off and on.  So rather than stomach ulcers, I seem to have developed this very intense acid reflux.  Which makes me feel even worse.  Which makes me wonder, what the hell woman?  You feel like shit emotionally so why not allow yourself to feel like shit physically too!?  GAW.  (kicking myself in my own rump...)

Part of being healthly for me is having an outlet.  However my dearest friends have not heard from me for oh a while like a few years in fact on a regular basis.  My one best friend whom I do see often is the only person who listens and knows and talks to me about some of these things.  The thing is I hate that.  I hate to call and complain to people about my life about every little seemingly mundane stressful item in my life.  I know that these things are not mundane but big to me but man my Mother just goes on and on and on about her life to everyone who will listen and how horrific it is for anyone involved.  I do not want to be like that.  I fear being like that.  I also know that it is hard for me to hold back my sarcastic truthful self and so even if I decide I am going to call friend X and not talk about the shitty stressful things in my life I fear that I will fall into it because that is kind of who I am.  K listens to me and we talk a lot it helps but I know more of the feelings I have are inside of me and my head and I need to learn to release it myself.

Running was doing that for me but now it seems running might exacerbating this acid reflux problem.  Ehem.  Oh so I am going to a IM doc on the 17th.  I will get a full check-up.  Talk with her about solution.  Also need to go see my girl doc for an annual exam.  After that I am need to decide what next.  I am not do up for taking a lot of meds.  I fear the effects of messing my already tenuous chemical make-up.  I know that there is a happier healthier solution for me but at this point I know I need to do whatever it takes to stop feeling so badly a lot of the time so I will. 
Post a Comment