Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Dream state

There are those dim moments when I first wake where the fuzz is still lingering around my brain and defining how I feel about those strange dreams.  The yuck in my mouth and the sense of dread is at bay.  I restlessly let my mind wander back to what was happening in my nightly dreams.  Never pleasant lately just muddled unhappy moments of my life that I store away in the deep recesses of my brain most of the time.  Dreams have this way of picking those moments back up and slamming them into my consciousness like they just happened but they are mixed up with things I do not want them to be mixed up with, the positive happier moments.  My old memories and new ones diverge in my dreams and cause me to ache to think about the what if.  I surrender myself to those memories allowing the dream state to flood over me in an attempt to give it a voice so it will be quiet again.  That is the hard part. 

The part the grips me so early in the morning or late in the night.  If I allow the memories to resurface on my time perhaps I can make the anxiety to go away on my terms.  Deep air in, filling all of the alveoli up, trying to drown out that sense of dread before it drowns me, air out.  The good, the bad, and the ugly of our lives never really go away.  They shape us, teach us, create the me that is laying here right now agonizing over the memories. Some are more sensitive to it than others, I think.  Some cannot handle it and pretend their lives away.  I am not so good at that.  I like to face it head on especially when the memory or experience is brought to me unexpectedly in a dream.  I have wondered in those shadowy moments if there is a reason my brain is putting some memory I wanted to forget, those memories that I have socked far away from my every day thoughts, with a current happy memory or moment.  Our brains are wired to integrate these memories and moments in unexpected ways so we can learn about ourselves.  Or that is what I tell myself as I come alive.  At the fog of sleep and dreams slip away and I shake the cobwebs from my head.  Even in sleep, every moment, our bodies, no our being is held accountable.  If I believe that all bad moments are gone and done than I am fooling myself.  By allowing myself to safely revel in them I am taking care of myself, my inside self.   That is both scary and exciting.  I throw my legs out of the bed and stand to start my day anew.
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