Sunday, January 27, 2013

Big and Small

Sometimes the smallest things, the things that seem so little, possibly unimportant, in hindsight turn out to be the biggest things.  The change in our lives.  The turn of the dial to be better, strong, greater, more amazing.  We only see the big things.  Going off to college, moving across the county, getting married, having children, growing old (something I never thought would be a huge deal but you know what it is HUGE.)  The small things are way more important. 

I friended a girl on Facebook early in 2009.  I met her in the fourth grade when I was a trouble making little shit struggling with a family that had completely lost its collective mind and so much more.  She left our school for another one in grade six or seven.  I always felt sad that I lost touch with the kids from that school.  It was a different world for me that school, those kids, my life there versus the one I lived with every day at home. This girl, A, from grade school essentially looked the same.  She started on her own journey to lose weight and would write about it often on Facebook.  I hardly took notice of it other than to think 'you go girl, you can do it!'  She started to lose weight and she looked amazing and it was great to see. 

At some point in 2005 after giving birth to M Bug, I gave up.  I was tired of years of not eating, or eating then exercising for three or four hours at a time to punish myself for eating, or eating than not eating for a few days and back and forth and so on.  I had a baby, I wanted to focus on him. I had a job, I had to focus on that.  I just gave up on not eating and ate everything in sight.  I gave up exercising and gained weight.  I was tired.  That is all I can say.  Before I got pregnant with Missy, I was determined to loss some weight so I did.  A little, not a lot. I felt better about getting pregnant and gaining another 40 plus pounds.  Which I did.  Once Missy was born in 2008, I was back to feeling heavy and lazy.  I did not relish the eating and not exercising like I did after M Bug was born though.  I was not as tired, I had a new motivation.  I turned thirty-five. I wanted to be a better example for the kids.  I want to get in shape and be fit but this time in a healthy way. 

I started to run.  I remember those early huffing puffing miles.  I remember the exact routes I took and how miserable I felt before, during, and after each run.  My lungs were bursting, my heart was ripping out my chest, my legs jiggled and felt like jello.  It was in sum awful. 

Yesterday during as seven mile run I thought 'wow this summer will FIVE years since I started to run.'  It got me thinking about how I started to run.  Then I remembered.  That girl from grade four.  She was the one who started me running.  I saw her posts, I saw her pictures showing the change in her shape and somewhere in the back of mind I thought WHOA that is cool.  I want to feel that way, I want to do that.  It was such a small thing.  I do not know why her.  Why she did it for me. I think it was her happiness and enthusiasm thinking back on it.  I am grateful for her today five years later.  I feel great, I feel fulfilled, I feel healthy and positive. 
Post a Comment