Sometimes I wonder what I have done wrong. In every single aspect of my life. I feel this constant sense of dread and failure looming. I feel like I am trying so hard and than I fail. I fail at relationships, friendships, my children, my family... the list is long and extensive in my mind. I bow under the pressure to do more and be more and I never succeed. I am never doing enough. I look back down the trail of past life and I see bodies piled up on the sides of the road of people I failed, people I let suck the life out of me and who literally did not matter. I find myself sometimes waxing poetic over those people and I remind myself they were not often good or healthy relationships. But I fail at the ones that do count. My sister for instance. And my brother. My dearest friends whom in my heart I think about often and love so dearly but I am tired. I tired of the nearly constant need I feel I have to fill with two kids and a husband and a demanding job with a demanding boss and two dogs and a mother. I have in the past few years stuck my head in the sand and allowed most relationships to just float away. It is dreadful because I love those people. They are dear to me.
It really started that summer Michelle got to so sick and face booked her issues for all the world to see. I know that is when it happened. I was sad and angry and scared and she was like an anchor for me. I thought she's been there for me through thick and thin without even really being there since I was 17. And then she was gone. She not the person I believed I knew or wanted to believe. It crushed me. It crushed me and left me feeling isolated. I know in some deep chasm in my heart that I am depressed and have been for some time. I know that stress and sadness and anger underlie all of that. That I felt so abandoned by someone I trusted to always be there and steady but the question I keep coming back to: was she really?
And this is not just about Michelle and something I perceive she did to me but more about me. Plain and simple. That fact that I fail at relationships, friendships, I fail the people I care about and that makes me feel heartless and cold but it is protection mechanism from my family. Then I read that I circle back. I scream EXCUSE to myself. LAME. I want to be a better more supportive friend to those I have in my life. I have never met one of my closest friend's husband or children. I have never even attempted to visit the city she calls home. I have never seen the 2nd child of another friend. And Michelle? She is not lost entirely though I am not sure I can completely forgive that situation. Even as hard as that is to say, I do not want to lose her from my life. She is a part of me and she is important no matter what has happened over twenty years of knowing one another. I know I want more friends, I want a better social world for myself, for my kids but I often feel I fail those that are closest and I struggle with being what? What people want me to be? I did not fit in or angered the small group of friends I did find and was ousted by the "leader" of those girls. I have made a friend here and there only to realize one day that I did not call or check in or email enough and those friends are gone. I suck at inviting people over or meeting them out. I honestly hate that stuff. I takes all of me to get the courage up to do it and then I spent the whole time holding my breath, flipping out, anxious and upset. And hours and days after kicking myself for saying the lamest things, or not saying something or just being me!
I keep saying that tomorrow I will make new friends and I will work on my social skills again and I will care more and I won't be so cold/aloof/negative/mean spirited or whatever other negative thing I can say about myself... I just know this: I need more, I want more. But I feel so tired of trying again and again. The social anxiety just literally stops me cold. I get so worked up but I keep reminding myself that I was not always this way. I wasn't... I need to dig deeper, try harder. Be funnier. Kinder. More whatever it is I think I should be to be a better friend. I feel sad and lost and lonely right now and that is hard.