Winter brings a general sense of heavy sunken floating. A feeling of loneliness and sadness that is like a thick fog floating around me. I try to lift myself up and dust myself off but nothing seems right. The world seems off kilter. It is never like this at the start of winter. It is always at the end. At the seemingly endless end. When I see pretty butter yellow and stoic purple flowers pop up out of the muddy snow crusted earth. The dainty greens of tulips and sundry other flowers that seem to come up fast, searing my eyes after the bleakness of winter and then they disappear just as quickly. I dream at off times of the color of the summer sky and the fresh sparkling green of spring. I am falling through space, cloistered in my dusty never clean enough house with the threat of another winter storm, more freezing rain and the distant memory of those little soft green buds popping out of the earth.
Lately I feel twisted. I can feel the tendrils of anger and grouchy moodiness attacking me internally. Like I am walking with a limp or side ways. I must have been less in touch with this when I was younger because I know I used to feel this way before I had children and a house and a family but now I notice the funk with a painful ache, a deep sense of guilt, that twist of emotional doom feeling that haunts me lately nearly constantly. I have tried to shake it but it just seems to live in my soul, eating up bits of me. I feel a twister of emotions dumping over me and no way to control them. A headache rises up from the effort I make to ebb the tide of anger and sadness and moodiness that is not quite right. As the headache looms and attacks I find myself trying to figure out how to escape the hands of the emotions. I eat some sugar, stuffing it in my mouth hoping for a sweet moment of happiness to strike me, send me away from the angry swirl of emotions. When that does not work, I turn to coffee and water alternating. Hoping. I feel my spirit sinking. I look out the window and press my face to the cold glass and spy a moment of sunshine, a sparkle of blue amongst the gray heavy still wintry clouds. My stomach most days by the end of this emotional roller coaster is raging, I know my teeth will hurt and my head will buzz in the morning. And than I do it all over again. Day after day. This goes on like the many winter storms with the odd names that keep pushing through.
I am ready for spring.