Friday, July 26, 2013

Mistakes

I have been loath to write about an incident that happened earlier this month for a variety of reasons.  Partly because I have made peace with what happened and I have moved on.  Partly because if I write it down it makes it even more real and my kids could one day find this and read it and think ‘the hell Mother you are dumb bunny!’ but they will likely think that whether I write this down or not. I am of the mind that if I free it entirely from my head and give it wings it will fly away from me and I can let it go all the way.  As it stands right at this moment, it still lives in my head rattling around no matter what peace I made with myself about this.

I got very drunk when we were in Canada.  I drank so much I threw up. In front of my dear sweet M Bug.  I was mortified. I am still mortified.  I am mortified because I allowed myself to get so drunk. I am mortified that I did it in front of my impressionable 8 year old. I am mortified that at 39 I am still making those same mistakes that I did at 19 and 29 and really it goes to show that we are human and prone to mistakes and… I am mortified.  I am mortified that I got sick and I felt terrible about it all. I felt bad for three days after as in hung over bad.  I have not had a drink since nor have I had any interest in it.  It will be 30 days on August 4th.  I am starting over again.

Ten years ago before we even had kids I decided to drink less, to be in control of drinking by limiting what I could and could not drink, to never let myself get that sick ever again from drinking.  And I have stuck to that until this summer, this July evening when the weather was warm and the wine (BLERG) was flowing freely and it felt great and I did not really think about what I was doing until it was much too late. 

Interestingly enough All & Sundry wrote about her recent fall right after my incident and around the same time the guy from Glee overdosed and died  and there were a couple of other public and private things that I saw from people that made me think this is the summer for this – this year, 2013, it is the year of this.  It is the long mark where we feel we have our demons in control, like we are unstoppable, like our past can no longer harm us and then knowing or unknowing we made a huge error in judgment.

I talked with M Bug about what happened the next morning and apologized for my mistake in judgment.  I cried (not in front of M Bug) and was angry with myself again (not in front of M Bug).  I remain mortified.  I have given up a lot of things this past year in terms of food and so it is easy to stop drinking, again. It is freeing really. I had been drinking more and more the past few years until my stomach issues came up and so I backed off. I can only drink a few limited things as it is such as wine and hard cider and I have been fine with that but wine – it is a slippery slope for me. I am not sure why.  Just a weird trigger drink where I feel I can have more and more with reckless abandon.

Really at the end of the day, I do not want to be that person especially in front my children.  I would like to become better than this and live my life as an example for them.  I do not want to walk around in my life thinking of how much I messed up by doing this or that.  I was trying to think of what would have triggered such a thing on my part.  When I was a regular binge drinker in my teens and 20s, there was always a reason. I was generally depressed/unhappy.  I was generally not in the right personal space and I used alcohol to feel better, to drive away the demons. 

This trip to Canada was by far the best we have had.  Life has been relatively good at home and work.  The kids have been/were a smidge stressful and I always leave work feeling like I should have done more but overall we had a nice trip for once.  I did not feel the usual stress and unhappiness I have felt when we have visited family.  I know K’s sister being there was stressful for me but not in a binge drinking sort of scenario.  And so I am left with I let my guard all the way down and I was happily enjoying our Canadian friends and I made a fool of myself and I did not keep myself in check and I cannot do what I did that day again. I have to remember that once this way, it will always be this way if I am not careful. There is no I am cured of this, I am better, I will never do it again - it is a constant I have to be in control situation and I need to be aware of it always.


And so I go forward.  I am letting this experience go into the atmosphere and I move on. Onward and upward.  With happiness and joy and forgiveness in my heart.  
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