I have always in my life found my myself holding onto a wad of stress. Like one of those giant exercise balls. I scoop up all of the stress in my arms and hold it there near by belly. I have no idea why. Of course an exercise ball wad of stress is far heavier than just an plain old exercise ball. I just visually picture that huge ball of stress in that way - the way I look when I grab my giant blue exercise ball and press it against my bell to move it to where I need to use it.
Lately my dear sweet little four year old has been ruling my world. She used to be my easier child, the one who was complaint and sweet as a pie, easy to deal with and the one who did not complain and mostly ate everything put before her. Then four happened. She is like the Queen of our house ruling with her own iron fist. I often comment in moments of complete frustration and I am embarrassed to say rage at her that she is completely holding our family hostage some days. I do not of course say those words to her face but I have been at my wits end in her face.
I have literally tried everything. Punishments and positive points and talking and hugging and treats and yelling and threats and bah... Yesterday, in one of two moments of clarity, I realized that my dear sweet four year is looking for my reaction and she knows that most times I will react because of the level of stress I allow myself to live under. My reactions go in one of two ways - a yelling meltdown on my part or I give in to her. So she has a 50-50 chance of getting the reaction she wants. Seems like to a four year old I am sure a good bet to hedge. ARG. SO I have created this mess. Me alone because I often get involved when K is concerned therefore she knows I will rescue her from him and often give her what she wants.
That brings me to my second moment of clarity. That big ball of stress I am holding I realized is tremendously unhealthy. I realized this a while back which is what set me on the path of acupuncture and changing my diet and trying to develop some better habits when it comes to de-stressing and breathing. However I am not practicing any of these things with regularity. Do you see a theme of inconsistency in my life? I want a problem to go away and so I hope that if I make a few changes a few times that the problem will go away but these are pretty huge life changes. Like I cannot just go back to being the way I was before or else... we are back to holding the giant ball of stress and more doctors and teeth that rot and well you get the point.
As I laid there on the table doing acupuncture today I realized that none of this lasts forever. Missy will not always be the way she is. That is a short term situation. I do not have to always react the way I do to her and the situation. That can change. I am not always going to feel this intense stress about work. That will change. I do not live my life is not in a vacuum. If my current job is not right any more for me, then the universe will unfold as it should. I cannot control that part. I can only control what I can control and that is me. If I do the best I can at work and with my kids then I will see positive results. I need to know it and believe it. I need to let go of the heavy ball of stress and let it float away into the sky and watch it disappear like a balloon in the sky. I will be a better person for that.