Depression is sort of like a crushing blow to the head. Okay sometimes it is a slow dark creeping creature that I do not see coming out of the shadows to attack me but my current state is the crushing blow to the head kind. It is funny because I think that I am alright but deep inside I know I am not.
A telltale sign that I am feeling low and it has come on fast. In fact, I suddenly noticed that I have been crying at almost anything the past few days. Oh HEY a pretty sunrise, the way M Bug’s hair sticks up funny like that in the morning, the fact that Missy pitched a fit about staying home with her Daddy and brother who is sick rather than going to her last day of daycare with her friends and I felt so fraught with emotions about it I burst into tears.
Missy starts Kindergarten on Wednesday. She is leaving her daycare provider of three years. She has a wiggly tooth and rides a bike without training wheels and she does not need to me the way she did and she’s five.
All good things. Seriously.
All good things. Seriously.
But man it is hard. It is hard to deal with the emotions surrounding the kids getting older despite all that time we worked so hard to help them get bigger and the times when I bemoaned the frustration, exhaustion, and general struggles that go along with having little babies/toddlers/preschoolers in our lives.
And then I like broke my heel or something like that so I cannot run. I feel like I am standing on the curb of busy street corner in a busy city by myself. It feels lonely. I run for health, to set goals that I can achieve, and, probably the most important part, friendships that have developed around that and I feel like at least for the next 16-18 weeks I am losing that. AND that is hard too. I am scared to gain weight again and to lose the fitness that I have worked very hard on the past few years to gain and for some odd reason despite my mindful efforts to remain positive I keep going back to the negative side of things. Running with my friends has been my free therapy for the past few years. A place to go where I can be me and talk through major and minor things that are happening in our lives.
It is hard to gulp down that loss. All of it feels like I am losing something. My babies and running and somehow just the end of the summer and I just get this way. It is the small quakes before the big one. The big one being the onslaught of heavy deep depression that I am trying to fight and control and not fall into the great abyss by writing this.
I cannot fall into that. I do not have the time frankly. My children and my job require me to be NOT depressed. They require me to stand up, shake myself off, pull myself up by my proverbial bootstraps, smile and go forward happily into this world. The thing with Depression with a capital D is that it is hard difficult work to do this. It feels like moving a mountain must feel or swimming across the English channel or some feat like that. It is hard and I hate that I am like this without even trying to be. I just am this way and that is fraught with guilt and anger and undeniably I feel it is unfair that genetics are so strong that I cannot always fight the bleak sense of darkness that Depression brings into my world.
It is hard. I hate that. I am looking right now for the light at the end of the tunnel. I am believing that this will pass and it will not last forever and I will be okay once I through it. Till then...
Mary Oliver is by far my most favorite poet.
Read her stuff, it will change your life.
It will add color and meaning to your world.
It makes me smile in the face of own often
self imposed doom.