Monday, November 4, 2013

Minimum

So I weighed myself this morning and I am below 130. Like barely.  129.2 Honestly I have not been trying much and the weeks following our trip to Seattle have been insanely busy and filled with exhaustion.  I have been off my game a bit in the workout/eating department. I am making an effort to get back on track AND let go of not doing "it all" all of the time.

I did a little less damage then I have in the past on Halloween in terms of candy for no particular reason. I just wasn't as into the junk as I have been in the past.  I made a good meal the night before and the night after and we did Pizza the night of Halloween. I just enjoyed the night without trying to figure out how much candy I could shovel into my mouth without the kids seeing me.  Go me and moving on to Thanksgiving!

My relationship with food has always been contentious.  Hateful would be a better word.  Food was something I had to have or else I would you know faint.  I wanted to be rail thin like a model, I wanted that more than words can explain.  Only I was more of a big butts and I cannot lie kind of girl and I am 5 foot 2. I stopped growing around fifth grade, peeps.  This made me angry about myself and my body for years and years.  Of course 20 years later I am not as angry nor do I feel the hate I once did toward food.  Actually, truth be told I am more angry at my body for shitting the bed on me so that I cannot run but that is another story for another time (see below in fact!)

I really just want to repair my relationship with food.  I want to be healthy and enjoy the foods I am eating without the outward remorse and inward hate that I have often felt about eating in the past.  I have grown in the past year to the point where I question myself - do I want or need that?  If I eat that now, I will not be eating something later.  I want it but will it help me get where I want to go.  Is that the best thing for me right now?  I say these things kindly and I do not deny myself things.  Sometimes those dark chocolate sea salt covered almonds from Trader's Joe DO make me feel better and I do want them versus need them.  If I put it in my mouth I do not berate myself for it.  I just enjoy it and let it go.

I find my relationship with exercise is actually my danger zone.  I either go all out and spend hours literally sweating over a workout whatever that might be or doing nothing and pretending I do not care.  It is hard for me to just okay with a 30 minute workout.  That's not a workout that is a nap.  That is reading time with my kids.  That is eating dinner.  That is... a lot of things but not exercise.  Two hours minimum now that is exercise and I should be sweaty and hot and uncomfortable and sore afterwards.  It is hard for me to find a balance in that thinking.  If I could I would probably be a heck of a lot closer to my 125 weight goal then I am.  If I am tired or feeling ick (two-three weeks of the month because of course) I just do nothing rather then doing something shorter and being happy with it.  I also tend to indulge more if I do nothing then when I do something.  Oy what a cycle.

Ah, it is hard. I am working to be more balanced in my exercise world.  I think that finding and maintaining a balance will help me in running if and when I can run again.  After all that go hard or go home attitude is what got me into this boot/predicament in the first place.

On a lighter note, I am lower in weight and I did it the right way as in eating healthy meals & healthy snacks, replacing moments where I have a craving with herbal (Mint) tea and water, changing up my exercise routing (I swam twice last week!), adding weights back in (even if it is just a little bit of weight sometimes like biceps/triceps combo only... OH that is hard to write/do for me as I mentioned above I either want to do all 15 exercises or none at all) and working on planks/sit ups, etc.

I feel stronger.  I feel like my arms which were pretty flabbilious are looking better and I have ABS - like real ones.  Four of them that just show without me have to contort and flex in funny directions to make them show.  They are just there.  Now to work on the full six pack - it has been a long old time since that bottom half of my abs (aka my baby zone) have been firm and strong.  I know the 2nd half will be harder and I know losing weight like the last few pounds of any weight loss is touch especially if I am trying to do it in a moderately healthy, not hard core, not extreme measures kind of way.

On a related side note, my foot still aches and I am still in this boot.  I rue the day I ever had any of these troubles. I am back to taking a multivitamin and calcium pills.  They are both GF and seem to be working out well (in relation to my past/current tummy issues)  I am hoping that will helps with bone issues I seem to keep having.  Assuming I have the same osteoporosis issues my mother does it is a good thing to start this now.  It is hard to sit back and not run and see everyone else whom I was as fast as or faster than pass me by.  I want to run so badly I dream about it, I keep making running plans in my head, I get tears when I see runners out running, I literally see upcoming races and think OH will I be well enough to do that one? (answer is typically NO).  The sad fact is that I am going to be starting all over again.  After five years of running, the day I can run again will be day one and not year six.  There is not way around that and it hurts to think that. It is the thing I have been gulping down along with what if it never heal properly and I can never run again.  I try to side line those thoughts and just focus on the here and now but I am still going to acknowledge my sadness and frustration around being completely sidelined for the past few months and going forward I have it in my head that I will run in 2014 but the reality is I may not be able to really run (train and race) until 2015.  I need to be okay with that and keep working hard to get back to 100% so I can run again because it is what I want and I know if I want something and I set my mind to it, I will get there. I just have to be patient and calm and have faith that everything will work out in the end as it needs to.




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