Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Deep Wells

I am often not sure where my depression and loneliness come from.  Those two things well up deep from within me and I cannot hide from them.  I try.  I fight tooth and nail to stop them.  I will be okay, happily meandering through the days when out of seemingly the clear blue yonder I am struck by it all.  I suppose I say seemingly because often times there are signs but I miss them.  Easily angered, tired beyond words, sadness over little things are meaningless but seem to hurt me deep inside.  I feel sad today that I am feeling so lonely and depressed quite frankly.  That sadness is not helping things out.  I thought perhaps I would try to write about it.  That does help... or makes it worse. 

I feel bad for being so annoyed with the peanuts right now.  We are all stuck inside.  I am tired of fighting with M Bug about homework.  And Missy about learning to read and well... everything.  She is a strong willed girl.  I appreciate that in her but I also grow increasing frustrated by it over time.  Then there is the nearly constant bickering between them.  Age or boy vs. girl or whatever - it just totally sucks.  I am bummed that M Bug does not want to try harder in school and I believe that this is just a phase and that 3rd grade is a tough year all round but I am not sure I am entirely equipped to deal with it given the fact that I gave up almost entirely on school around grade three. 

I am tired of the yelling from K and I.  I feel like K does not just try to calmly talk to them but everything is a hounding, loud, drill sergeant lesson. If he could just save some of that for special times and not be the way he is all the time... It sets me off. I feel like since he does it I can do it and I HATE it. I think to myself at odd times why do we do that, I wake myself up in the night with intense guilt over it all.

I feel an intense loneliness about friendships and I do not understand how come I do not allow more close friendships with people and sometimes I just feel drained by the process of being a good friend to everyone but also that I do not quite understand being left out by some, am I that unfriendly or unkind that I cannot be a good friend to people no matter what, that the faults I see in myself bother me in others and on and on and I worry over everything I do and say after I have done and said it and it is a terrifically awful cycle that I have grown to hate and know oh so well as I have done this/been this way since I was quite young. It makes me feel like such a shitty person overall...

The grime, dust and dirt of my house hurts me.  I cannot keep up with it all. I cannot get laundry done or floors cleaned or bathrooms in order.  I like that order. It makes all of the other stuff that feels bad, feel better. That is where my OCD comes from.  The order of a orderly clean neat home makes me able to tackle the rest of my life in a more sane way.

I am tired of sickness even though this year has been relatively easy as compared to past years.

Work.  I just... I do not know what to do there.  Or I do.  But again and again ten years gone now I feel this is maybe just not the right place for me and I suck at this job and I am tired of fighting with J for candidates and placements... I just want to make the money and be a contributor to our family financially in a meaningful way and I do not want to worry about spending money on clothing or fun things or taking vacations and actually enjoying them versus worrying over every last thing I do and I most definitely do not want to have ASJ mad at me again and again and again. I just want to have some success there that is big this year. I want that so badly I can taste it and I am frustrated that is still elusive after all of these years... still.

Running - working out - losing weight.  It is like a mantra in my head. I want to run, it hurts so I cannot. I want to work out but there is never enough time and I keep falling down a pit when it comes to eating that makes me stay where I am weight wise (or seemingly).  I have had some success in my overall fitness but I think that in my heart I am deeply sad that I cannot run and I do not understand why my body revolts on me every time I find something I love.  When I swam I had shoulder troubles that sidelined me.  Now this foot stuff and running.  Why??

My Mom and Dad and Uncle and Brother and Sister all drag at my soul. I feel sad that I am not with them more to help them but in the same vein I am not sure that I could do anything and I would feel worse if I was there "helping". It is rock and this is my hard place. I feel lonesome for my family - my family.  All over that we know so little of each other even if they make me crazy.

There is more and more and more I could write and I cannot stop my brain from running some times... the one thing I would LIKE TO STOP FROM RUNNING!

I am just... depressed. I am struggling to keep my head over the water.  To let go.  To see the good and not the bad.  To shove away the waves of sadness and lonely depression that is seemingly crushing me right now.  The sense of ugly that comes from my core that I have never understood.  That I have over the years controlled with many things...alcohol, shopping, not eating, over eating, over exercising, the excess of emotions that are around me... I need to find a way to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get out of the deep well of loneliness that I am currently swimming in.  However I do that...I just need to do it and now as it is this is a precarious slope I am slipping down right now.  I need to dig my feet in, make a plan and go forward.  Turn my face to the light, embrace the happiness, and stop the depression now, however I do can do that... but it hurts. It is easier to be sad/depressed/lonely.  That hurts too but it is easier than fighting.  It just is, that is super hard to explain to anyone who does not get it.  It is easier to wallow then dig out.  Dig in... whatever.  

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