Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Cliff Jumping

Every moment that passes when I do not say or do anything is inching me toward the end. I know I need to care for our lives and in my heart I do but I feel hollowed out sometimes in a way that inexplicable to anyone. I believe this comes from years of thrashing past the emotional highs and lows of my life, working with almost tunnel vision to escape that emotional see saw that I am now so completely adverse to dealing with any of it that when confronted by any emotional situation I look immediately for my proverbial hide-y hole. I dip my head in the sand and whisper to myself the usual garbage I have whispered to my broken emotional self for years.  You are the one at fault, fix yourself and this will change, you are bad, if you were a better person, this would be better” and on and on and on…
I remember last spring just reaching the same old cliff, that jumping off point where I usually leave all of my emotions hanging, the place that I would run blindly from I realized I was done. I needed to change I need to find myself in a way that I have never allowed. I could no longer ride the see saw and be okay with it. I needed to take control of the life I was given and make it what I wanted. However in that process I saw myself changing. I saw the raw emotions that usually motivated me, more aptly, demotivated me, slipping away. I could no longer hang my hat on the mean angry internal voice I was used to and I have slowly taken charge of my life, at forty-one I stopped drifting and climbed aboard a life raft that taken me slowly to who I want to be and where I want to go.

I can see more clearly the person I was and who I allowed myself to become and I wanted to be more and better and all the things I have missed out on in that state of not being anything at all. Except you are back there in my mind drifting with the old me and I want to pull you up on my raft, I want you on my journey, our journey, for the long haul but I am not sure how to get there. I am at the next precipice and I am ready to jump off that one too. I hope with all of my heart that you join me in the journey before life swallows us whole. I know I won’t give up, yet I worry and fret and it seems my head is back in the sand with all of those negative voices about what could happen when what I would really prefer to have you standing at this next precipice holding my hand and make this next leap together.  
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