Monday, November 23, 2015

Better Me

There is a moment. Always that moment. Where you see things clearly and know it is right to do and then you forget. That is how it goes. That is how it's gone. I should stop. I should quit. I do not want to be that person anymore. I am beyond that. I am over that. And the biggest worst of them all - I do not want my kids to know that person I used to be. And oh my god they do know me as that person. Not always. Just enough though. Too much. I hate that. It is the tragic thing I'd hoped to avoid, the reason I had behind not wanting to have children. The fact that I had no control over this one little (HUGE) thing in my life. I can control it and control it and control it and then I cannot. I let it sneak it slowly and like walking on a slick concrete, I slip a little but I hold my footing but then suddenly it is pouring out and by god I have lost my footing completely and I am floating away, letting a torrent of water drag me away. I let my demons creep and crawl in. My childhood, my mother, my father, the alcoholism, the violence and drama, the manipulation and pain that has been doled out to me over the years by others, and in turn I actually do to myself too. I let the demons in because I think they are gone, because I think I have conquered them. Foolish girl. Any time I let down my guard, any time, that fucking demon, the worst of them, climbs into my head and says 'its okay, you're are okay. Dang girl you got this shit. You are a bad ass kicking all that shit in the face - all of your life you have somehow managed to escape somehow, someway. You are showing your childhood self how amazing you have become and you are showing your teenage self how in control of life you are and you are showing your twenty something self that you can make anything work.' The truth is I am still that terrified little girl, I am still that teenage me who feels so completely out of control, and I am still the twenty something young woman who allowed all of that stuff from before to brew into a shit storm that rains down on my life in ways that are no longer acceptable. I do not want to live this way. Not even once. Not even once in awhile, never. I NEVER want to live my life like this. I do not want to feel terrified, out of control, and unhappy any more, ever. It is the reason I went to see a therapist in the first place. It is the reason I decided to take control of my life this past year, to oust the constant pain I felt, and become a better me. I'd like to think this is the next step in the better me process. I have moments even in the past week when I think 'oh it is okay to drink. It will be okay. If I just do that with my friends or my family nearby, I can drink.' I need to stop that, I have to remember that one clear moment when it was not good, when I felt so badly and I was so mortified for myself but more importantly I was mortified that my kids saw me like that and hang on to that moment. That moment will help to define me now, to get beyond all of the old, into a new world, the world of a better me.
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