Thursday, November 12, 2015

Just one too many

Life is never easy. I have over the past decade made some great strides in many areas of my life. I have worked hard to change and grow and be a better person. The only place, the one thing, the big thing, the elephant in my life is drinking. Yesterday I saw the old me and the one I thought I left behind in my 20s. The one I remember waking up with just after 30 and saying no more of this. The drunk. The stupidity that happens when I am drunk and honestly the stupidity I do not remember when I am that drunk.

I need to end this now and forever. I want the next however many years to be sober. I want the me I see in the mirror to reflect the me I want to be on the inside. I am happy with me and there is no need to drink. There is no need to drink that much or be that drunk ever again. I used to think this would be an impossible thing. An impossible idea. I would stick to drinking just this or just one or two at most but the realization today is that this is not possible. For another person, one with more control, this is possible but for me it is not. I want to remain happy and feeling strong and being the person I want to be. I cannot do that if I continue to believe that alcohol in my life is okay.

I think I have been running toward this for some time. The chinks in my armor have been showing more and more. Three times this year I have been so drunk I do not remember what I did or said. Twice last year. Once the year before that. It is a pattern that is evolving. What next? Four in the coming year, five the year after. Daily. I do not want to carry on this family tradition. I do not want to live the life my Dad leads now. I want my kids to trust and know that every day they are getting the best me there is. I want to be the person I want to be and this is a choice. This is my choice and I am choosing to stop drinking. To make a change, take a different road now, versus later or worse yet never.

I can do this.
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