Friday, August 5, 2016

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

It's been a while. I am trying my hand again (and again and again...) at blogging in this little hidden nook.

Last I wrote I said no for real I am giving up drinking and so I did. I have not had any alcohol since December 6th, 2015. It's been fascinating to explore this new life style. The hardest part for years has been sticking to the quitting part, go figure. I found every excuse I could find and then there were none left. I want my kids to never doubt my sobriety. I do not want to make a huge deal out of it. I do not want my kids to see me drunk and/or out of control due to alcohol. I want to live the life I want. It was that simple. I made a choice and I am sticking to it. Nine months today. I told Kevin that weekend I was going to do this and he nodded his approval. He's been quietly supportive. I have no qualms with others and how they drink. By all means I think others should drink, My biggest fears were losing friends over it but honestly if you make a huge deal about this that is when issues arise. I have just quietly declined drinking and I have told everyone I no longer drink. Some ask me why and I just tell them I just needed the change and drinking was not necessarily part of who I want to be now or who I wanted to be come in the future. I also did not leave the door open for myself to find an excuse. I made the decision, I walked through the door, and firmly closed it behind me. It's been good.

I am down playing this change by the way...it is actually exciting and moderately freeing! I honestly did not realize how much of my income was going to booze, how I spent my days looking forward to a drink(s), all of the guilt and fear I had around drinking when it came to the kiddos has washed away. I cannot change what they have seen or what they do know but right now in the present they know me as this mom. It's like not drinking freed up space in my brain and emotional pool and my body was released from the ups and downs that alcohol (even moderate consumption) had on me. I actually sleep better than I ever have.

For the first time in my life I feel like I can truly focus on mind/body/spirit and that my friends is magical. Interestingly, here is the biggest thing I noticed. I could see more clearly. Not in the drunken stupor kind of way. It was like having a vale over my eyes and someone lifted that vale to reveal the good and bad in me. By seeing that more clearly I am able to address that more clearly.

For instance, soon after I stopped drinking I noticed that I automatically found new things to fill in the space that drinking left. Good and bad things. The most quick and apparently not so great things were shopping and eating sweets. I found myself shopping non stop. And without thinking about it I would find myself eating ice cream at night thinking well at least I am not drinking. I have curbed both of these things and in fact I addressed them as well. When I shop I try to be mindful of what I need and why I am buying things versus just buying to get. A similar thing with sweets though that has been a tougher habit to break. I love sweets with or without alcohol ;)

I do feel like emotions are more raw too. This is a good thing. I tend to feel less depressed and anxious and I manage my emotions better but I also try to see life through a more positive lens. Like the lens before felt watered down or broken but now I am able to toggle the lens more to get clear on what I want and do not want from life. Yes, I still get depressed/anxious/confused but I do not make choices from that place. Rather I find a way to get around those negative feelings and make decisions from a better place.

Finally, the thing that has most become evident to me is that I am where I want to be. My job and life feel right. I am infinitely grateful that I stuck to being a working mom and that by working hard and being in love with what I do translates into great things. I never saw life like this before. There is still a lot of learning to be had and I am by no means perfect but I can see things so much more clearly and that has been an amazing by product of not drinking any more.


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