Rolling Off The Edge... Together!

Running Through The… Gym

2012-01-19T08:48:00.000-08:00

So I run three week days per week plus one weekend day for the marathon training. The three week days are spent in the gym and lately an alarming number of weekend days as well. The past couple of years of running I have lost interest in running during the winter months in part because of the whole gym component. Even if I had my own treadmill, I believe I might feel this way. The dread mill as I have called it in the past generally makes me cringe. Obviously the commitment to running a marathon has changed everything. I need to do the mileage and the only time to do that on the week days is after 8:00pm so off to the gym I go.

Actually do not mind going somewhere. Some days I wish we had a treadmill in our home but most days I am glad I get to drive in my car, music blaring (windows down in the spring/fall months!) to the gym. I drink half a bottle of water on the way. I generally drive the same way every time. It is a little ritual, a little time for me.

After my drive, I hit the gym and I have two choices, the treadmill or the track. While both would seem monotonous, I find they are not or at least not so much anymore. I think once I committed to running the marathon I just knew I would need to stop the negative thinking about doing either thing. I knew the training would be in the cold winter months and on week day evenings when I would have to run indoors some or most of the time. Some days I split the run, half on the track, and half on the treadmill. Last night I did six miles all on two treadmills (30 minutes each!) The 2nd half of the IU basketball game was one which was a good motivator to stay on the mill. If there is something exciting or interesting on the TVs, I can totally do the entire run on the treadmill. I put on my little iNano thing, rock out to vulgar rap music that I would never listen to in the real world, and watch the TVs. Sports, Poker and Chopped are personal favs.

Besides the treadmill, I have always liked the track. People come and go; there are basketball/volleyball games going on, and the pool to peek into. Generally it is challenging to avoid not running into people and/or basketballs. Someone was NOT thinking when they designed our Y… oh well. I fear that if and when they update and redo everything there, our membership fees will skyrocket so I will deal with things the way they are and without complaint might I add. I figure an errant basketball is WAY better than two pit bulls chasing me down thinking I am a giant human play thing (true story.)

Last night I was contemplating my drive and wondering if having a treadmill at home would be better. For me, I decided it is better to have to do the drive, to go somewhere with other people, and all of the noise and activity. Of course, there are days… when I think ‘Oh hell’s bells I do not want to go anywhere’ but I always do. The thing with those days is that if the treadmill were in my house I wonder if I would be any more likely or motivated to get on it to run!? Probably given the training schedule and my current ebb of fear about my ability to accomplish this feat of running in a marathon I would make it happen no matter what. We all adjust to the things we need to when it comes to fitness goals. I guess I feel lucky to have a membership to a place I like with two options for running so I have a choice.

As an aside, I was pretty geeked to find a couch to pool, sort of a play on couch to 5k thing, on Pinterest (Oh how I love thee Pinterest... you are the perfect compliment to my OCD and list making obessions!) that I am planning to try out this summer after the marathon. I want to start swimming; I keep saying that but never doing it. Well I want to start swimming and doing yoga again. So Marathon, Swimming, Yoga. There, my fitness goals for 2012!

Toxic Cleansing

2012-01-12T06:30:00.000-08:00

Do you ever notice how much clearer things seem to over time?

That friend, you thought was so amazing, offering up helpful advice and inviting you out on friend dates, and generally someone you trusted without a thought, the one you thought “wow our kids are totally going to grow up together!” turned out to be a fraud, a total dud. How this has happened over and over and over again in your life because you can be so blatantly unaware of yourself around people and you want so badly for people to be good, all people to be good, that is your expectation, not theirs.

Your dog was sickly and really was sickly for months and months and the more you think about it the more you realize that likely the stomach ulcerations were already in place prior to the surgery you gave to him to help him which just led to his painful demise because you wanted to believe he was healthy. You wanted so badly to believe he was okay and if you would have stopped, stepped back for one moment, you might have given different information to the vet before the surgery, you might have been a different kind of advocate for your pet than you were.

Your spouse’s family seemed so perfect. Insanely, perfectly perfect. You even told your Mother-In-Law this one time on a long ass drive back from Regina to Winnipeg in the middle of winter and she said, truthfully I believe since she is no longer alive to ask her, “oh that is not true, we all have skeletons in our closets.” The reality is that no one has a perfect family no matter how they spin it and if you look closely enough everyone had a crack or break there. And it all about how we manage those cracks and breaks, it all about being honest with ourselves and those around us. If we hide too, pretend too much, it will serve us poorly and harm us in the end.

As time has passed, I am coming to see that it is not just my family that was broken and hurt but most families have some breaks and hurts. While this does not come as a complete surprise, I have not after all been living under a large rock for 38 years, it kind of kills the faith I used to cling to as a child that “some” families were normal. I yearned for that belief as a youngster and I believed that “one day I would have my very own normal family, not like my crazy family.”

The truth is that I am seeing more and more the hurt and pain that certain personalities can bring to the table. Toxic behavior is not acceptable and yet it is. I live with a toxic person at work daily; she can totally crush my world. She makes me sick to my stomach and yet I take it daily for the job and the money and because I am like that. I take toxic because I have always taken toxic. I simmer in toxic because I think it is stoic and right, that it will get better or pass. I am afraid to run away from that personality because they will get me a la the bogey man.

When I was young, I have a few recurring “dreams”. I used that word dream very loosely. I suppose nightmare would be a closer equivalent to the truth. I would dream nightly about a faceless man chasing me down. I would run and run in my dream and he would never catch me but I would wake up tired and drained. Another dream involved driving in a car on a bridge but the bridge was miles high and it was crumbling down into the water below. I would sit as quietly as I could in that car and hope that we would make it across my never ending crumbling dream bridge. That dream left me exhausted as well. The last dream had to do with being in a car and someone was coming for me but the illusive someone was not a good person. You know how it goes with bad dreams; I just knew the person was bad. I would sit in the car crying and waiting for the bad people to come get me and sometimes a trusted person would show up and peel out to take me away but I always woke up so I was left with this sense of dread after that particular dream. Did I get away? Who was that bad person? Why would I just sit there and wait and do nothing to help myself get away? WHY WAS I WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO SAVE ME?!

I have not thought about those three dreams in years. Oddly I had the crumbling road dream the night Santana died. Only this time I was driving and the road that was crumbling was one near our house and the whole dream consisted of me driving, trying to go forward and the road getting worse and worse. It was such a different perspective than the childhood dream. I was always in the passenger seat looking out, down from a great height at the crumbling bridge. This time I was in control of the car and trying to move forward.

When I was child, my mother made me see a therapist. I do not remember much about seeing that person. It is like a shadow of a memory, I think she was larger kindly woman, and she had to make my Mom leave the room to talk to me. My Mom did not like that at all. My Mom quickly stopped the sessions and, whether it is true or not, I think she did not like what the therapist told her about HERSELF after speaking with me. My mother was toxic to me, as was our family life. I could not escape her, I could not get out from under her control, I could not drive away because I was not able to (in the dream), and I was never really given the tools to drive away. I felt hounded often and unable to speak for myself because when I did it was twisted and turned and made to be evil and bad, “you rot kind” she would scream at me (Dutch for you rotten kid). She would wake me up and sit at my bedside to sob and tell me her problems as a kid. I had to pat her hand and tell her it would all be okay. Not an ideal situation if you ask me.

And so the dreams slowly ebbed away during my late teens when I moved to Michigan far away from her. I never really returned knowing that return meant back to the same old things. I know this all to be true because I kept journals about these instances, of course, hindsight shows me what I can see now and not than that her relationship with me was unhealthy and painful and it explains a lot about the person I have become and the person I was growing up. I include growing up right up to this moment by the way.

I do not want to teach my kids to just deal with and simmer in toxic. I want them to know they can effect change, that they have some control over their lives and they can trust us to do what is right. I want them to know that our home is a cozy warm happy place to be with trusting arms they can run to. I want to remove the toxic from my life, that is my goal. I need to learn to trust myself to make better decisions and listen more to my heart and head and I want to teach myself to see clearly before the relationship disintegrates and not just after when I am hurt and sad and feeling disillusioned about the whole thing. That is my promise and goal not just for me but for my family.

First Week of January

2012-01-11T20:32:00.000-08:00

Before anything happened to Santana,

I already promised myself that

I wanted to work on being more fully present

and enjoy the little things more,

in unexpected interesting ways.

My favorite blogger is Brian Ferry.

He takes these amazing snippet photos

that I adore and want to learn to do!

These photos capture moments

in unexpected ways.

I am looking more,

I am more fully present

when I am seeking these photos.

So these are my first attempts.

New dish towels

So Missy

Beautiful Lucy

Paw

Mickey Shadows

Winter sun shadows,

Missy's room

Life in Light and Shadows

Moon-y

2012-01-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

After we left the Emergency vet,

I told K I just was not ready to

make the long drive home

so we went to Toys R Us.

Random, I know but the kids

we sobbing and screaming

and Toys R Us actually seemed

to help them forget their grief

for a short period of time

We needed to eat dinner

and we happened on A Five Guys

As we were walking in M Bug came

to an abrupt stop in the middle

of the parking lot

and said "look, there IS Santana."

We looked up and there was the moon

almost full with a large bright "star"

(we did not have the heart to

tell him it was a planet.)

He just smiled and stared at that start

and it was truly so M Bug

and amazing all at once.

I stared at the moon a lot since that night

I was watching the news and they showed

a photo of the moon with this crazy ring

around it

so of course I grabbed my camera

to take my own photos.

They are kind of cool.

Eve of the New Year

2012-01-11T20:11:00.000-08:00

I do not know...

this one is hard to write.

New Year's Eve

we went to our friends house

for a few hours

We made this decision

I feel guilty for leaving

the dogs behind to this minute.

I sobbed when we returned home

and I saw how bad Santana looked

So while we were "enjoying"

ourselves my poor sweet dog

was so sick and by himself.

I am trying to let it go,

but it is a little hard to look at

these particular photos...

Pre-party

Noshing on snacks

Awaiting the yummy treats

Self portrait

Me with beer eyes

This one is cute

minus my beer eyes

The M Bug Look

Also doesn't look like M Bug is enjoying a beer

He was not but there are several of these

and the beer is directly in front of him

Why? I do not know...

New Year's Eve Snuggle

We all played Connect 4 Launchers

from the moment M Bug brought it home

from Toys R Us on Friday

It was a fun way to bring in the new year

2012 Happy New Year

Lucy even got in on the act...

She is thrilled, no?

Bug stayed up past midnight this year!

It was fun.

We played games and cuddled Santana

We watched the ball drop

and clinked champaigne glasses

filled with organic sparkling cranberry juice.

We kissed and hugged

and it seemed like an amazing way to bring

in 2012.

And it was, it is,

it just sad that two days later so much changed..

Listen, Act.

2012-01-10T08:22:00.000-08:00

I pulled out rice last night to go with the spicy smell of chili and sweet warm corn bread. The kitchen seemed wrapped up in that wintery cozy feel I love. I have been trying to capture that this week. My feelings of loss settling in, ebbing and flowing, I know this too shall pass. I have spent the past few days trying to nurture both the little people and the sweet doe eyed black dog that remains.

It was the rice I bought to give to Santana when he refused to eat his regular food. The same rice he threw up three days later, his body already shutting down on him unbeknownst to us.

Missy said “Mommy that is the rice you gave Santana.” She is so three.

“Yes, it is. You are right. It was supposed to help his tummy but it did not.”

“He ate it all down then throwed it all back up. He rolled over and did this.” She waggled her arms.

I turned around completely to stare at her, my jaw hanging low, the low pitch of pain and sadness returning. “Wait. Tell me what you saw Missy?”

When Santana threw up on New Year’s Day, Sunday, the boys were in back watching some ballgame. Missy was watching a show and I was making a meal or cleaning up from a meal. Missy was the only one that saw what happened. I know there was a loud “rumble and bump sound” like Santana fell over or something but I just assumed his throwing up was so violent that it surprised him and he jumped up. I actually ran to see what happened it was that loud.

Missy proceeded to tell me the story.

Missy said he was lying down quietly then he jumped up, “throwed up all over da place”, then (and she acted this part out) she said he rolled over on his back and started to twitch. By the time I ran over there he was just laying his side looking at me and the look was one of ‘HELP ME’. I yelled with a panicked note in my voice for K to come help clean up, but the real thing, the thing I have not mentioned to anyone, not even K, was that I was scared out of my mind, the reason for the panicked note in my voice. I knew it was not right. I knew he was really not going to make it at that point. No being can hold food in their stomach for three days and throw it up like he did, undigested and smelling so foul. Had I know about the twitching episode after he threw up, that might have been a game changer. Maybe not… who knows…

I regret a lot of things about what went down with Santana last weekend. I have prayed (I know… strike me down) about this. I promised myself going forward, yet again, like a running headlong into a brick wall, which I NEED to listen to my head and heart when they are screaming at me to take action. For two full days, my head and heart were screaming ‘CALL THE EMERGENCY VET RIGHT FUCKING NOW’ even through K was saying he will be okay and we both knew he was not.

This is not the first time in my life this has happened in recent years. This is the worst most difficult pill to swallow to learn this lesson.

I need to listen better and act.
I need to listen better and act.
I need to listen better and act.

The family that computes together?

2012-01-08T20:31:00.000-08:00

So Saturday, New Year's Eve,

we found ourselves all seated at the table

on our respective LAPTOPS.

Are you kidding me!?

Lucy has been kicked to the curb

a lot over the years

the five days after Santana's surgery

seemed to be no exception

but then I saw these...

She is getting used to her status as "only dog".

Holiday Clean-Up

2012-01-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

Annual the weather is decent

let's go out and clean up

Note I did not say WE ALL

went out to clean up

No. I just show up with the

camera and take some cute pictures

oh say around the END of the clean up process :)

Snuggle Bugs

2012-01-08T08:01:00.000-08:00

Missy begged me to take these shots (there are three)...

Maybe she knew.

I am glad she made me take these.

Snow Day

2012-01-08T07:58:00.000-08:00

We had fat happy wet flakes fall

The snow fell fast

and went away almost as quickly

We enjoyed it while we could

It was good packing snow

so we created a snow family

and threw heavily snowballs

at one another until we were soaked.

Snow Angel

The family homestead.

Cheekie

The kids were thrilled.

K was thrilled.

I was thrilled.

Legoland

2012-01-08T07:50:00.000-08:00

See whose head is in this shot?!

He was still feeling "okay" this day

Mainly he just wanted to sit on top of us.

"What should I create next?"

Santana side and Missy

The kids both received legos for Xmas

A blue box for M Bug

A pink box for Missy

They are both STILL in heaven over this!

Holiday Breaking

2012-01-08T07:42:00.000-08:00

Santana was a huge deal

for our family.

It is hard to think about

our break without

feeling an intense saddness

but we actually had a nice break up till

the weekend after Santana's surgery

and even that time we made the best

with what we had.

M Bug eating his Santa Cane

Missy eating her Santa cane

Santa canes

and K in back ~~obsessing~~ enjoying

over his 1500 piece puzzle

Ash came over to exchange

gifties with the kiddos

KP is watching M Bug intently

Cheese!

Ash and KP

I was hoping and believing

that Santana would be all right at this point too...

Bah. Makes me sad to think this.

Trying to Find Happy

2012-01-07T19:50:00.000-08:00

It seems like 98% (a very random unscientific percentage pulled out of my ass!) of the blogs I read said 2011 sucked... perhaps they said this more eloquently than I just did. You get the idea. I would have to say that 2011 did not suck for me so much as being filled with perceived intense highs and lows.

I know I felt intensely happy at various time especially during the first half of the year. There was a shift around the trip to Seattle. Things did not go well there. It was not fun, we yelled a lot both at the kids and at each other. I felt listless, unhappy and angry before during and after that trip.

I feel decisions got out of hand around that time. I know I can pinpoint that Fourth of July trip as the shift from happy highs to limitless lows.

Santana's death on the second day of 2012 will not define this year. After five days of deep thought and soul bearing sadness, I know that Santana was very sick for a very long time. He was not the happiest little dog for a long while. And so at the end of the day, we did the best we could and I need to know that. I need to remember what an amazing life we tried to give to him and how deeply we loved him, our little fur baby.

Never in my wildest imaginings, did I consider this would be the way I would bring in the new year. I am up for the challenge. By nature when I am upset or unhappy I clean. So I have been cleaning. Dusting, sweeping, carpet cleaning, vacuuming, reordering cupboards and closets.

I feel like this is the year I will find happy and not just in bits and fits but a more even keel normal level of happy. I cannot keep doing highs and lows. They drain me, the drain us, they are just not healthy and I want to be healthy and happy this year.

To that end, I stopped making resolutions a while back. I am not good at them. I feel guilty because I generally never achieve them. I am looking forward to things this year. Even if they these things never happen that is okay. I need to look forward. I need to see what I can possibly consider that will bring happiness in 2012.

I am looking forward to training and running my first marathon (and another half!)

I am considering a swim or two this year. We shall see... I will not be sad if I do not achieve this one.

I am looking forward to exploring the cities around us this year.

I am looking forward to watching Missy in Gymnastics and M Bug in Hockey and Soccer.

I am looking forward to getting to know Lucy dog better.

I am excited to garden this spring and summer.

I have a plan to start reading again.

I am looking forward to really enjoying some one on one time with K again. We have struggled off and on dealing with the stress of work.

I am planning to work like I do not care about who is looking over my shoulder any more. My boss throws me off course and every time she does this my world spins out of control. That is ridiculous.

I am looking forward to visiting Seattle and Winnipeg this year and making the best of those visits, rather than the worst.

I am looking forward to really painting some of our house this year and giving some of that project to a painter!

I am looking forward to getting a closet system in the master bedroom and redoing the "game closet".

I am looking forward to drinking beers on the back deck with friends and enjoying every moment I have on this earth.

I am excited to use one of three new cookbooks I received for Christmas. I am planning to really explore in the kitchen again. I did that in 2010 and it was pure happiness!

The Rainbow Bridge

2012-01-06T05:49:00.000-08:00

A co-worker who loved her pet as much as I did mine sent me this "story" if you will. She lost her beloved dog last year. Another co-worker lost her kitty cat just a few months back. I am seeking solace in the people who loved their pets as much as we did because they totally get it, they know how I am feeling right at this moment. I thought I share this. If you or anyone you know ever loses a pet this is such an amazing piece to give them!
***
Just this side of Heaven is a place called the Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to the Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food and water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals that have been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance.

His bright eyes are intent; his eager body begins to quiver. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face, your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then together you and your special pet cross the Rainbow Bridge into Heaven.

Life According to Missy

2012-01-05T19:37:00.000-08:00

Missy got a camera for her 3rd birthday

She's used it a lot

apparently as there were well

over 200 photos on it when I finally got

around to looking at them

They are SO awesome

Like I wish I could see the world

the way she does!

This is just a tiny sampling :)

Santana Memories

2012-01-05T06:22:00.000-08:00

I am sure the endless doggie posts will end... eventually. I find writing important when something 'big' happens in one's life. I find that if I do not write about it eventually my world starts to crash in on me. Right now writing and hugs are the two best things I have. Clearly we loved this dog and he was a huge part of our lives. Santana came before we were even married. Santana came before we moved from one town to the next. Santana came before M Bug and Missy. He has been in every facet of our lives always.

There is no doubt that the energy and time he took up was wonderful and difficult at times. That is not say that we loved him more or less because he seemed more needy than the average dog. I think that because he was so high maintence we all had a different relationship with him than most pet owners do with their dogs. I certainly feel this way when I think of Lucy. She's so quiet and calm and low maintence in comparison.

Something that has both made me cry yet laugh through the tears is remembering all of the Santana-isms. And oh my the list is long. I will try to keep it to a minimum or at the least make it into two posts. I have been working on a Santana photo book that I hope to finish up this week. At the end of this year (2012) I plan to combine the two blogs and make a five year "book" to keep. There is a lot of stuff in both blogs that I love and I want to keep forever. I think it will be a neat way for the kids to know me one day when they are older and I am not the same person I am today. I would like to include this Santana stuff in there for the kids to know and remember about him.
***
When we first got Santana he had both fleas and worms. BLECH! The reason we knew about the worms, one fell "out" on the bed. SO gross yet it still makes me laugh to this day. Poor guy.

He had Parvo and almost died from that. We spent our tiny savings, money from K's grandmother, to keep him alive. We both feel to this day that was money well spent.

When he was little, he liked to climb into the warm laundry baskets and bury his nose into the clothing.

He used to sleep near our heads when he was younger and almost always we would wake up with a dog across our chests or necks.

He used to like to be held and carried like a baby!

He liked to sniff mouths. I think it was his way knowing more about you.

He could run as fast as the wind but not as fast as the geese on the golf course!

He liked to eat the goose poo... Again GROSS!

Before the blue blankie was M Bug's, it was Santana's. He was none to please to give it up to the boy.

He would stand and/or lay down in the middle of the chaos of a holiday.

He barked at. every. thing.

He loved to go for walks and sniffed the hell out of the world.

When we first got him and lived in an apartment, we took him to the dog were often it would only be big dogs. He could hold his own again those beasts!

He LOVED LOVED LOVED other dogs.

His white hair is everywhere on everything and I always joked about how we left a little of Santana everywhere we went. I doubt we will ever get rid of that Santana hair. Unless we throw everything out that we currently own...

He started to go bald on his back in Fort Wayne right before we moved to our current home in 2003-2004.

He used to lay next to M Bug's head when he would tummy time. He did the same for Missy.

When I would lay on the floor to do exercise videos or sit-ups he thought this meant I wanted to roll around on the floor with him.

When I did sit-ups he would shove his head under my head so I could not do them.

He loved beer and we gave him a little bowl of beer on his "21st" birthday ;) as well as at the start of every summer.

He did not like the boy when he first came home but he certainly warmed up him once he learned about the whole kids don't make 98% of the food into their mouths thing!!

Santana liked to sit on the top of the couch, I called him our Cat-Dog.

He loved the sun, obviously. He would lay for hours on the deck and roast no matter how many times I forced him in would be back out there as quickly as possible.

He did not like water even the rain he would run out into as fast as could to use the facilities than come back as quickly as possible.

When he got older, he burrow under the covers and sleep until he was so hot that he would come back up for air and would be panting from the heat. It was actually kind of cute and funny!

He listened when we spoke to him. He would glint in his eye and cock his head to the side and I swear to you he was trying to understand.

We could never figure out why when we said the number 'four' he would get REALLY excited!

He never met a welcoming lap he did not like.

He hated when we travelled so that we had to keep the suitcases out of his site until he was at the doggie spa and even that stopped working the past few years. He just knew when we were planning a trip.

He peed on everything in our dang house.

He was always the first one up and out in the morning. Than he would snuggle up on the couch preferably with a small child.

He had to have a special diet for his allergies, duck and potato food and treats.

K once tried to boil a duck on the stove because of Santana's food allergies with riotous results. I still cannot think of this incident without getting grouchy (I HAD TO CLEAN IT UP! Maggots were involved.)

Santana loved treats like he would dance when heard the door open.

I called him at least dozen nicknames but he always knew his name was Santana but oddly I called him Beans from the get go and I could call to him Beans and he would come to that as well.

I have no real reason to call him Beans. No story behind it. Just an odd term of endearment that I planted on him during his first year.

He caught a cardinal in our old house and it was a total fluke. Forever after he tried to catch birds to no avail.

He and Lucy were quite effective at catching moles and vols however.

Santana got under the fence recently in an effort to get the skunk. He did not get sprayed but our neighbor's yard was very muddy and he smelled!

He liked to sit on our feet when he got older. We think this had to do with not feeling well.

He told Lucy what to do. a lot.

He was always like a grouchy old man :) in a good way.

Santana probably cost us over the years close to $10k in vet bills.
We bought him for $105 from a farmer near Fort Wayne. Someday I would like to go back to that farmer and rip him a new one for not taking proper care of his dogs!

He liked to eat grass like always even when he was a puppy.

He loved peanut butter and cheese most of all.

He was gobbler, he would take your hand off for something but not out of malice.

He tolerated Lucy at best but we think they loved each other despite this.

They used to fight for the sunny spots and especially when they were younger they would just lay on top of one another in the sunny spots!

Santana liked babies and would go right up to them and be as gentle as you can imagine.

When he was younger, he used to watch TV. Like you could see his eyes following the stuff on the TV, it was pretty cool to watch him watch the TV.

Toward the end of his life, he reverted to a bunch of things he did as a puppy.

He used to love to eat toilet paper, we have no idea why but he would take a piece of the roll and you would go to use the potty and there would be raggedy TP.

He would also try to take a piece of TP but sometimes it did not rip and we would find the TP still attached to the roll going from the bathroom down the hall into our bedroom and under the bed. OMG, this made us laugh our rumps off.

We bought our first BBQ grill and grilled out. Santana got up under there and ATE all of the grease. Than barfed it up than tried to eat the carpet he barfed on. K hot glued all of the carpet back in and we never got charged for this by the apt complex.

He had the softest fur around his neck and ears that I loved to rub my fingers through.

I loved the way his fur smelled. It was his smell only. I have had four dogs in my life and he is the only dog I had that smelled sweet like this.

He had a scar on his leg from where he pulled the IV out when he had Parvo.

He had a scar on top of his head from where they gave him a shot when he was little and sick.

The last few years of his life he liked the knotty spot on the top of his head rubbed really hard.

He would bury his head in your lap and ask us to rub that spot.

He would "dance" when he was excited or happy.

He did not like the snow really at all but when he was little he loved it!

His nose was always cold and he would curl up in a ball and bury his nose in his paws. I loved this position for him with all of my heart. One of the last photos I took of him was a close-up of that position.

We used to live by a river and one day K was taking him for an epic walk. Santana went into the brambles by the river and came out with a live turtle in his mouth. He was SO thrilled.

He and Lucy were a great team when it came to catching critter especially that poor bunny family that made their home under our deck in our first house.

Santana liked to run away, I used to think he was an explorer at heart.

We have bought both of our houses with our dogs in mind so we could go home and let them out at lunch!

We used to joke that we got a Nanny for our dogs and the kids helped her out with them :)

Santana LOVED Ashley with a fiery passion, he would wait for her to come each morning then curl up in her lap right when she got there. I fairly certain they spent a lot of time like that especially when Missy was young and napped.

He had bad gas and he liked to sleep butt up in the bed near our heads. Maybe that was on purpose!

He lived a charmed, spoiled life and I am glad for that. He lived a longer life that if anyone else would have gotten him as a dog. K gave him turkey scraps on Christmas day and the past couple of months I made a point of sitting on the couch or floor cuddled up with him. The kids were especially sweet to him always and Missy and M Bug wanted me to take photos of him snuggled up. I am glad for that.

I am infinitely sad today that I lost my baby puppy. I do not look forward to life without him. I know it will all be okay. He is alive in our thoughts and hearts always but man not having to follow that little butt down the hallway to let him each morning or getting my snuggle on with him each evening is going to be hard. Just saying.

I love you Santana Banana Beans.

The Last One

2012-01-04T06:20:00.000-08:00

Rest in peace little peepers

my sweet baby boy

You will be always be loved

You are in our hearts and memories

July 1, 2002-January 2, 2012

Santana Banana Beans AKA Peepers AKA Beans AKA Bananas AKA Beast(ly) AKA My Sweet Pup, Santana

2012-01-03T19:55:00.000-08:00

Today, this evening, marks the first day of the rest of my life when Santana will never again jump down with his jingles clinking and happily traipse over to see me when I walk in the door from my run. Last night marked the first night he did not sleep curled into me in my bed not because he was away at the doggie spa or visiting the vet but because he's gone off this earth forever. I want to sob uncontrollably and I cried so hard tonight on the way home from the gym I had to slow down a little bit to regain control of myself.

Today, I felt listless and sad. I knew this today would happen eventually but I did not expect it to turn out to be today. When I imagined all the scenarios that could have ended my sweet Peepers life the one that played out the past five days was not in that showcase of scenes I ever considered. I feel so responsible for how his little sweet life came to an end and I have to stop being so hard on myself, it just is what it is, but still...

Yesterday, our vet called back and told us Santana was not getting better but worse in fact. There are a lot of facts in there that I cannot even begin to retell. Bruising and pain and other words I cannot even recall but those words added up to holes in his intestines and/or stomach, crying in the cage at the vet's office. Later I read the vet's notes, they blew out the veins on all four of his legs and finally got the IV into a vein on the inside of his hind leg. I felt like we just needed to go to the vet's office to say good-bye. K wanted to try more so we gave them permission to send the order to an emergency vet in Indy. I wanted to go and K wanted to go so we felt like we could not find care for the kids fast enough and they came with us. They brought Santana to the car in the green blanket I bundled him up in the morning when I brought him to the vet and we hung his IV bag up and off we went.

Santana did not make one noise the whole way. He never cried, he never whined. Simply put he settled his head as always on the crook of my arm and he seemed so relaxed and calm. We like to think he was. He was with all of us. The kids chattering happily in the background, K scratching his ears now and again and I basically never too my hands off him rubbing his backside, the soft spots that I loved around his ears and his top of his head. He was lucid for the entire trip, sleeping off and on, but he perked up every time we gently said his name or when I would whisper how much I love him.

We arrived at the EM vet clinic in Indy. The intake person came out to get him and whisked him away to the back. We filled out paper work and waited. I am not even sure how long we waited, minutes? Probably 30 minutes all told... The vet came out. She was flushed and talking quickly but kindly. She said we have minutes to decide what to do. He was indeed septic, the fluids from his stomach and intestines were leaking into the rest of his body and essentially killing him. He had an abscess under the area where he had the surgery. His entire body was bruising rapidly. She said he crashed once already and they revived him. She said IF she could stabilize him, which she felt was going to be very difficult, she would need to get a surgeon in ASAP to fix the holes inside of him which would grant us a possible 50-50 chance of survival at the cost of $4k. The money was not an issue, the 50-50 chance was. She said it again you have minutes to decide he is shutting down and he can no longer handle the stress. I looked into K's red rimmed eyes and we knew. We hustled in back to see Santana.

To see an EM vet back area is to understand what the end of some pet's lives are like except this was my pet, my beloved Santana Banana Beans, my baby pup. Seriously the love of my life when it comes to pets. I think I turned off any emotions at that point. I had M Bug and K had Missy. Missy was sobbing and M Bug was terrified. I tried to get M Bug to say good-bye but he was not going to do it and I was not going to force it. K said "oh oh look at him look at him." I firmly told them 'NO I will not look at this part of him (the bruised bloated stomach and backside), I will focus on his head, his face, his big brown eyes and I will remember him the way I knew him before all of this happened.'

Santana was literally screaming and sobbing in pain laying on the table.  I marched up to his head and laid my hand on his head and leaned in. I whispered to him like I had so many times over the past few weeks and said to him "I love you little peeps I love you". And he stopped crying. He just listened to me. I told him again that he was going to be okay, that he would feel better very soon, that he could go, that he needed to go see Grandma and Granny and take care of them, to run free. I told him that Ashley said good-bye and than I said good-bye. I said I will not leave you the whole way out, I rubbed his head and kissed his cheeks and watched as the EM vet put the first shot into the IV tube. His whole body stopped convulsing, he relaxed into the medicine. I learned today the first shot is the one that calms them put them to sleep, the 2nd shot is the one that ends their lives. I watched as Dr. Browne put the second dose in the IV tube and I rubbed his head and said over and over again I love you Santana I love you.

I turned away from him when she said it is done and I ran to the kids. M Bug was holding Missy and I said okay guys let's go out here (to the waiting from). The vet tech and vet said we can get him all prepared and bring him into a room so they can say good-bye and maybe have a good last memory of him. I said that would be great. I could be wrong but the vet tech was a young girl and she looked she was crying... I know I felt an intensity, like a Momma bear, in there for the kids and Santana.

K took M Bug and I took Missy. Missy was screaming and crying and telling me 'I want HIM back I wanted Santana back please please bring him back Mommy'. We talked about heaven and God and seeing Grandma and that he was calmer and happier where he went. M Bug was just in shock. He just sat and stared at the TV and every now and again looking at us once in a while stating to me or K that 'he cannot be dead can he?'

They brought Santana to regular room and he was in a little basket with a blanket wrapped around him and it was just Santana. His little ears were perked forward and he looked like he was asleep. M Bug did not want to go in and say good-bye. So I said to him let's just walk out of this room and say bye to him like we would if we were leaving for school or to Target. M Bug did this and I think that was okay for him.

Missy cried and kissed his head and hugged him and told him she loved him. I went in by myself and rubbed his soft little ears one last time and told him he would be okay now, no more pain, just openness, free range, a yellow green ball and lots of happy times filled with treats and love ahead. It looked like Santana but the life was gone... that was hard.

I will never forget any of these moments for good or bad. K and I have been talking off and on the past day or so. We feel at fault. We should have put more sun screen on him. Insisted he stay in on hot sunny days, his favorite. We should have been more insistent with the damned vets we took him to who did not see or know or ignored the scabs on his back. We feel like the buck stopped with us and we feel like we let Santana down in that regard.

The EM vet told me that she would not have done anything different if Santana were her dog. She said the cancer was likely so deep that there was nothing anyone could have done. She told me that with or without the surgery on Thursday his death would have occurred in a similar painful fashion in the coming weeks. She was kind. She might have been lying, she looked me right in the eyes however. She never took her eyes off of me when she said this. If she was lying, she is a good liar.

Now I feel like I am trying to pick up the pieces. It seems so quiet in our home. Lucy is still here and she is the sweetest kindest pup I know. We need to keep going and I know many people might read this and say "oh my it's just a dog" but I love this dog. He was a part of our family. He was like one of our kids. He was not JUST a dog. K reminded me that we had more years than we deserved with him. Santana beat the odds and survived Parvo nearly ten years ago so we were so blessed to have that crazy sweet dog in our lives all this time.

M Bug has been the scarier of the two kids in terms of dealing with Santana's death. He is quiet and barely says a word. I did a ton of research and it seems this is fairly normal stuff. His teacher, whom I love, had writing projects today and M Bug got to write about Santana today. Missy and K drew pictures of the dogs, their paws and wrote out all of our names. I am a big fan of art therapy to work things out for kids. I know both kids need time and love so we are doling out hugs and kisses as often as we can and we allow a lot of time to talk about a lot of things related and unrelated to Santana.

We are not sure about Lucy. Apparently we humans and our big egos like to put our emotions on our dogs. She just seems a little unsure. I had a feeling that would be the case. She followed Santana a lot. He dictated what they did, how they ate and where she sat/slept. They definitely loved each other. I think in the whole pack thing Santana was in charge. She's feeling her way around. She is a smidgen tentative about eating or going out. She jumps every time she hears his collar jingles and we've caught her sniffing things that were his.  We are not going to make any sweeping changes and I am know she will adjust with time.

M Bug went through all of things Santana left behind tonight.  The list was cute and sweet with things like his hair and poop (in the yard), his paw prints (they made paw print imprints for us after he passed away), his collar and jingles, his baby teeth (oh yeah and be quiet, he was my first baby I told you!) but for me it is more than that. He left behind a slew of amazing memories. My heart aches for him, my head hurts and I feel worn out but every time I get sad I think of something silly or funny or maddening he did and I remember the nearly unconditional love he offered. He knew my secrets and deepest thoughts. I loved that dog like you cannot believe. He may be gone off this earth but he will always be in my (our) heart, never ever forgotten. Play on peeps.

Heavy Hearted

2012-01-02T08:32:00.000-08:00

The past nine years of our lives have been defined by his clattering claws on various surfaces. His warm little body tucked up against us any chance he could get. How kind and truly charming he's always been with the kids even when we knew there were times when he just did not feel well. All the sweet looks he could give when he would lay his head on my knee and worst of all his sicknesses.

My first and most distinct memory is a little puppy whimper from behind the green couch in Fort Wayne. I cannot remember where I was coming from, work or the gym, but K turned to me grinning and I knew immediately what he'd done.

Of course, from the moment I looked into his big brown puppy eyes, I was in love. And he was ALL eyes back than. He weighed next to nothing and he was a wild one. K picked him because he was small and mellow. Ha. Looks can be deceiving.

He was smaller than a Frisbee. I say this only because he liked to attack a Frisbee and drag it around behind him.

He was my best buddy when K was away playing hockey. We snuggled together during sick times and sad times and happy times.

When he was very little, he would wrap himself around my neck in the car so he could get a better view and we would drive all around. He loved to hear 'let's go for a drive!'

He is whip smart. He learned to do things no other dog could do. He figured out how to escape his crate and when he young he knew easily a dozen tricks.

He always loved to be hot. Snuggled up beside the fireplace in the tiny apartment under a layer of blankets or with his nose buried deep my arm pit on the couch.

Back then he loved chew sticks and other dogs and worst of all running away, FAST, from us. His favorite place to run back than? On the golf course and bleck eating goose poo! Heh. He had a lot of baths back then.

He took getting Lucy and the kids in stride. I could tell he did not want to like any of them but they grew on him. Always the grouchy old man even when he was young! His heart warmed to the kids especially M Bug.

Lucy he tolerated at best but she is lost without him right now. She won't really leave my side which is nice and I am glad for her but boy my heart is aching for him and his pain and all that he has been through. I am trying with all of my heart to remember all the lovely moments and not the past few days and how horrific it has been to see him so sick.

M Bug and I got out photo albums last night and looked through them. I forgot we took Santana for our engagement photos. He was so little. He was there after our wedding and there are a set of photos that I love of Santana laying next to tiny baby M Bug on the floor in old house. Santana trying to make heads and tails of M Bug. How Santana loved to curl into us at night in bed... than push us off the bed! His wild streaks, turbo, and how he we could throw a ball or a toy for hours with him. Even the past few months when he seemed to be his spry old self he would actually stand at the closet door that held his toys and ask to play! He liked to walk on his leash and see the world. Sadly with the kids the past few years he walks have gone mostly away.

I wish today that I spent more time with him and not always going and going and going. Santana today is reminding me that I mind myself. I need to remember not run to far and fast all the time. That time is ever so limited. I always just assumed he and Lucy would live to be old dogs and I would not need to say good-bye until I was good and ready but I know that is not hold life works and there is no controlling what happens to any being, even myself, and most especially not my dogs whom I love like my family.

When I think of our family, it is not of four of us, but six of us. As Missy likes to say "Momma we have three girls and three boys in our family, right?!"

He is not gone, not yet. He had surgery on Thursday last week and he seemed okay. They removed a large mass from his back. An open festering wound that started as a tiny scratch but turned angry and red and eventually bloody and weepy. We tried to treat that wound with antibiotics and drops to no avail. He rapidly deteriorated over the days following the surgery and thank good for K's sister and her advice to stop the pain meds which apparently cause ulcers in some dogs. We spent three days trying to decide what to do. I am still kicking myself for not calling the vet on New Year's eve day. K talked me out of it but that evening and the following day were the worst. I thought he might die last night in our bed.

He is fighter my little Santana Banana Beans. I took him to the vet this morning in tears. They are keeping him overnight. He will have an IV, more pain meds, another blood test and x-rays of his belly. The worst news was that the mass they removed was skin cancer and they removed all of it. The other side has pre-cancerous cells. We are hoping to get him stabilized before we decide on the next steps. It was very hard to leave him with the vet this morning. I thought about asking to stay but I doubt that is a normal pet owner thing to do. I do not want him to be scared or lonely...

I am just feeling deeply sad for Santana and the kids and maybe a little bit for K and I too. I cannot imagine my life without him even when he's driven me crazy I absolutely love him, my first tiny baby that I held and nursed (back to health) and doted on, out of all four of my babies. I hope he will get better, that we will have a little bit more time wit him but I gave him the okay to let go last night, not that it is my choice, but I did tell him I love him with all of my heart and he needed to do what was best for him. Anyway updates will follow.

In better days (2008)

Santana from Missy's camera (2011)

Peepers and Lu

Running Snippets: Give 'Er

2011-12-27T20:43:00.000-08:00

When I first started running, it was hard. I would suck in air and hope it would get to the parts of my body that most needed O2. It was either get oxygen to all parts of my body or pass out. As time went by I was more comfortable and felt I could run more and more. I started to challenge myself. More 5ks than a 10k than I decided I was going to run my first ever half marathon.

During that time between hoping I did not pass out during the one and only mile I was running a day to training for a half, I realized recently the difference in how I run. I used to just give 'er as my dear husband would say. Every run was like my last run. Every training run was balls to the walls fast. Like every run was race I had to win. I am not sure, as most thing go, when things changed. I know I ran in crappy shoes off and on during that time and my body would ache. I have had my share of physical issues over the years having to do alternately with pushing myself to hard with sports and stress related issues on top of that.

A shoulder/neck thing that lasted for years(five maybe?) that went away after six months with the most amazing acupuncturist (?). Than I had joint pain that seemed to have no end. My wrist, hips, knees and ankles would throb and ache. I went to Sport Medicine type physician and tried Physical Therapy which helped but still... I was not feeling great like I wanted to. I think that is likely when I changed how I ran. I took some time off from running (4-6 months maybe?) and when I started back up I decided no more hard core running. The days of pounding out a run, some odd form of passive aggressive stress release on my part, needed to come to any end.

I started back slowly with super low mileage, carefully gently running, not fast or hard, just slow and steady. I invested in some decent shoes that I felt would help relieve some of the pain I was having from all of my crazy hard running. I decided doing all of the pace and sprint work was not for me. I stopped giving 'er all the time. I wanted to run more races just to have a goal to run toward. I did not want to run to get a certain time but just because I love the feeling of running a race. I love the sense of community and just the happy moment of accomplishment of finishing something I set out to do.

The past eight months of running have been the best I have ever had. It's been down right fun. Smiley happy fun! I do not feel aches and pains like I did in the past. Oh sure there are aches and pains but these are normal ones, not ones that cause me to cringe and moan in my sleep or swallow piles of Tylenol day in and day out. Technically the training for the April marathon started on Christmas Day. I am nervous about both the training for the marathon and the marathon itself. I pinned down my nerves in that they have to do with losing the sense of fun I have had for running this past year because I might feel I have to run to get the training mileage in or I might get swallowed up in the old give 'er sense from the past especially when everything gets stressful in life. I just need to remember to come back here and read this and remind myself that I am having fun, that is why I run, because I like it, it makes me happy and not just to go hard or go home!

CHRISTMAS DAY!

2011-12-26T20:12:00.000-08:00

First (and second and third) view of the cookie/letter scene

M Bug was up at FIVE.

We made him wait till six.

He was in and out for most of that hour.

K finally go up with M Bug to watch ESPN.

Missy was OUT cold too.

I think she would have slept till 8:00am... of course.

I finally roused her at around 6:15.

Telling me the REINDEER ATE THE FOOD!

Annual Advent Calendar shot

Missy melted down right before this photo

I cannot even remember why...

She bucked up for the picture

and was happy by the time

we started down the stairs to the basement.

FIRST VIEW!

She shrieked I GOT THE PHONE.

She was very happy about her Santa gifties.

M Bug was also very very happy.

I was worried he would be bummed

that Santa did not get him the DSI

he suddenly decided he wanted

I was not going to run out and buy one of those

I was relieved when he was excited

about the football "stuff", Vtech Computer, and Legos

that Santa left for him.

More photos to come...

Eve

2011-12-26T19:58:00.000-08:00

Cookies and Reindeer snacks

Santa letters from each child

including a question from M Bug

"Do you vacation in Bora Bora?"

I have no idea, Santa said 'yes'.

Missy made reindeer food at M Bug's

school a week earlier.

She was very concerned that

this put out for them.

A bowl in the kitchen as well as

one out on the front porch!

I have never ever waited so long to get

everything done at the holidays

Cookies just kept becoming the

last and least most important thing

to do.

I made the sugar cookie dough

Thursday night

The kids and I rolled, cut and baked

the cookies on Friday

and we frosted them

on Saturday, fresh for Santa.

I will do this again.

It was fun for the kids

and it gave us all something to look

forward to!

The table post Santa's visit

Nog is gone,

apples and carrots demolished

reindeer food scattered by messy reindeer

and only the crumbs of cookies remain!

Messy reindeer!

Post Santa's visit!

I went to be well after 1:30am

I wrapped and cleaned up

I made the Pioneer Woman's French Toast casserole

I watched Christmas shows and had some adult beverages.

I went to bed blissfully peacefully happy!

Twas The Night Before Christmas

2011-12-26T19:41:00.000-08:00

The annual reading of

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

Missy asked a billion questions

as per the usual.

We trade off who reads.

Some years I read,

some years K will read.

This year M Bug read to us!

So cool!

Missy could hardly contain her excitement

that soon,

very very very soon,

Santa would be at our house!

A Christmas Light Hunt

2011-12-26T19:21:00.000-08:00

Our annual Christmas Eve

Christmas light drive

This year was weird

because Starbucks is usually open

until 8:00pm

K even said he thought he saw

a sign that said that to be the case

only we tried two of them

and they were closed

We sadly had McDonald's hot cocoa.

Other than that blip we had a fine

time driving around checking out

the local 'hoods!

Running Snippets

2011-12-23T20:19:00.000-08:00

I was outside running in the chill cold today and I was thinking about how meaningful running is in my life. It is a constant, it is mine, and it makes me feel infinitely happy. Interesting, I think a lot more when I run outside. When I am at the gym there are people to secretly gawk at, or a magazine if I am running slow enough and, if all else fails I watch whatever the televisions have to offer (Chopped!) Outside it is just me and the trail and my music and now and again, especially this time of year, a person to smile at and greet along the way. Today, I came up with the idea of running snippets.

Mostly I love the things I get a chance to consider when I am running. I rarely have time like that when I am home with the kids or K and most definitely not at work so when I run and allow myself the time to really free flow think. In doing that, I am sort of amazed about the things that come up or stories I finally have a chance to formulate.

Most of my life, possibly my entire life, I have wanted to be a writer. I can remember thinking one day I will be writer when I grow up beginning at the age of eight or nine maybe, well a writer or a lawyer. I have not done neither. Writing takes time and energy and for me writing is state of mind. I write a lot in my head but most of it never ends up in print.

Running snippets might just be about running or it might be some derivation of what I was thinking while running. Either way, I am excited about it!

Today, I was thinking about how long I've been running again. I started running in high school "for swimming". I was telling someone recently I used to trudge past our HS track or I would see the cross country runners and I longed to try it. But I was too scare and I was a Swimmer, not a runner.

I started running in college doing it on and off in the wicked cold winters of Marquette Michigan. My favorite run was along the Lake Shore Blvd. I ran somewhat more seriously between undergrad and grad school when I lived in Milwaukee and despite being dirt poor I pulled together money for a few races. Than I stopped. Inexplicably... that's a lie. I do know why. No need to rehash that part of my life.

I started back after I left the reason I stopped running and I ran again for the remainder of my grad school days. Arch to Lake Shore and back again every day. I ran after I met K off and on in Indy and Fort Wayne. Than I moved to B-town and I had a baby. And I had another baby. Time passed.

It was not until 2009 that I decided I am going to run. It was a bit of whim. I ran with a friend and I thought I might die in those early days. I would begrudgingly trudge out each day out of my neighborhood up the hills by our house. In my mind's eye, this was a painful process. I see myself sucking in air as fast as I could, a pressure on my chest that never seemed to go away only it did eventually. I know every day that I did not want to do it, there was one constant in my head: 'tomorrow it will be easier'. Each day I said that to myself and each day it has been true.

As I look down the four months of training that will culminate in running my first marathon, I cannot believe how much time I have actually spent running over the years. I am glad these three years that I have stuck to it, this thing I felt was lost from my life has returned, and in a sense has given me more now than I ever realized in all of those past running experiences. I cannot envision my future without it in some way, shape, or form. Whether I run races or just for health and recreation, I am glad I can call myself a runner today!

Christmasification Part II

2011-12-19T20:12:00.000-08:00

M Bug from oh me oh mi 2005

(wail he's so big nowwww...)

The Full Monty

Lights on mantle and tree and the fireplace on!

Lucy Loo

Santana's cold nose position

Santa Baby and the poinsettias!

Snowsitter

Advent tree

Merry Christmas!

Christmasification

2011-12-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

M Bug has a pretty neat teacher.

She challenges him intellectually

and this holiday season rather than having

the usual holiday party and sugar

they looked at various ways of celebrating the

holidays around the world.

M Bug loved it but by far his fav was the story

The Miracle of the First Poinsettia

Holiday cards through the years

The Tree

Spirited

Missy's hand print

Tree, mantle and fireplace on

We totally have a REMOTE for our fireplace too!!!

Squeeee!

Missy's first baby Christmas ornament

MOOSE!

(we heart our meese!)

Christmas Sibs

2011-12-19T17:24:00.000-08:00

M Bug : cute

Missy: doing some squats to build her quads?

M Bug: still cute

Missy: looking more potty position than anything?

AH that's the one!

Santa Baby!

2011-12-19T17:20:00.000-08:00

She was all Eh Santa

He's not scary, he's like Mickey, YO!

M Bug was flippin' out scared...

But the moment they saw him,

they were fine!

They smiled and chatted

and OH how I love our tradition

of going to this place

to see this santa...

It is like instant holiday happiness!

Then they let the scary Santa mailbox

eat their letters which

seemingly made them happy...

It kind of scares me!

After this they had their candy canes and cookies

and all was right with the world!

Sugar and spice!

My sweet M Bug :)

All of us and it would have been SO cute

but Missy had other plans

that apparently included

showing of her lovely long lashes!

More Yard Rink

2011-12-19T17:12:00.000-08:00

I took a bunch of photos the ONE day we had ice.

It has been a super warm start to winter.

Oh well.

Gym Star

2011-12-19T16:58:00.000-08:00

Missy just completed her first gymnastics class..

Something I said I would NOT do...

She had a total blast

Listening intently and trying every activity

She was always happy, excited and proud

of her accomplishments each week

So I guess we will do it again in 2012!

Snuggle Buddies

2011-12-19T15:53:00.000-08:00

Sickly Santana has been way into

the kids when they watch shows.

Poor peeps.

He will be having surgery

four days after Xmas

on the sore on his side

that will not go away

despite the mass amounts

of medicine we've given him.

I figured $600 total on this one

but it just occurred to me

we went to another vet

as well as two $100 visits

to the current vet who will

also be performing his surgery.

To be fair, about $120 of that

cost is the teeth cleaning

that we are doing while he's under.

Happiest Moments

2011-12-13T20:20:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about how badly I've been feeling. Work related situations. Wash rinse repeat. I wish I could just consistently do well at work so relieve the pressure. At the moment, it is what it is but it is just effecting my life is deep and profound ways.

I do not sleep well. I have a hard time getting to sleep. I am struggling with massive amounts of anxiety which involves trouble breathing and sharp pains in my chest. I am tired often and short of temper more often. I am just not feeling grand.

This evening on my misty ride home from running, I was trying to come up with ways to lighten up especially when I am feeling this way because of... work. Bah. I got to thinking about special moments. Moments that are simple yet amazing and wonderful and make me smile and warm my heart in the midst of my chaos. They are also simple moments, there is nothing complex about most of these things but if I stop to think about them they bring me back down to earth, they remind me that there is more to this life than... work.

So here are my happiest to moments as of late...

When Missy wakes up in that warm space beside me smiling and pats my hand gently and says "Hi Momma".

M Bug likes to rest his hand or foot on my arm or leg when we are watching the television.

How gleefully excited Missy is about Ralph the Elf. She races to find me and show me where that wacky elf ended up, what shenanigans he's gotten into and the way her whole face lights up in that moment.

Catching her talking to Ralph this morning, telling him how Lucy is the bad dog for ripping up the towels in her crate and making a mess but Santana's not a bad dog but even thought Lucy's bad for doing that she's really not that bad.

Sitting around the dinner table at night and just listening to the kids talk about their days or something silly that happened, even the little arguments are sweet... sometimes.

Both kids give me these looks. Missy raises a brow or smiles ever so charmingly about something brilliant that she's done or M Bug cracks a joke and looks so pleased about what he's said.

M Bug getting a 9/9 and 10/10 on his spelling and math tests respectively this week. This is not unusual but he seemed particularly pleased with the results this week.

The way that women, mothers and grandmothers, chit chat to one another in the isles at Target. I feel like I have all these amazing interactions everywhere I go in part because I am mother. I will never ever feel bad for being a mother and enjoying that, work is not worth that.

How Missy picks out a new dolly each night to sleep with like she wants to give them all equal time.

The kids will do or say something that is sweet or funny and K and I will catch the other's eye and smile like a little secret between us.

How amazing it feels to run. Even if I am having the worst day, I know when I run all the shit from my bad day will just fall away and I have that time to not think about anything else but running and I am happy for that.

Deck the Halls

2011-12-09T19:21:00.000-08:00

A new co-worker

just closed her floral business

to start working in our office.

She invited everyone to her house

for a wreath making party.

I ended up making a center piece

and it was SO much fun.

Like I could totally get into this!

***

I also bought myself tulips today

from Kroger for $1.99

just because...

I had a crappy week at work

and I cried a lot

and I hate to cry

because it is weak

and I do not like me being weak

so I decided that flowers

and greenery

is lovely and makes me so happy

SO HAPPY!

Well worth the time

plus the wine was delish too!

Party Goer

2011-12-06T20:35:00.000-08:00

Self portrait and me trying to NO double chin

Instead I got grandma chicken neck and armpit chub.

SWEET!

***

Our Annual Work Party

is an "affair" every year.

I have SO much more to say about it

but this is a public site so no no

I won't say anything...

I just was not feeling well at all.

'Nuff said and onward!

The venue was bathed in hot pink...

like this was the actual color of the

dining area!

Us.

I love this dress.

I bought it on black Friday.

Every year, the dress is an issue for me.

I am usually frantically searching

for cheapest damn thing

I can find at the last minute.

Last year, I found one at Target the day before

and the year before a Kohl's Vera Wang shirt

two days before the party

I always had the goal of spending less than $50.

This year I decided I would go big,

with ONE HUNDO as my limit.

I found the dress for less than that at Macy's.

It was comfortable and cute!

This dress also allowed me to

wear my kick ass but painful

Costume National heels.

Squeeee!

Flowers without the pink light

Also, beer.

My boss and my co-worker, Kelley, and her momma

Kelley's the bestest and I am so glad

she came to our workplace!

Errmm

This party did not rock for me

and I pretty much left

at the end of the night in tears.

SO SPECTACULAR.

Let's just say that I am stronger than this

and they cannot get me down

(On a side note, have you seen the You Tube video with

the boy? OMG. SOB. I want to hug that boy

and tell him it will be okay...

SO yeah not the same

thing but I SO get how Jonah feels...)

A Blu Boy and his helper

making hot cocoa that I wished

I felt better enough to want to drink...

Post dinner magic

Me just wanting to go home

My goal for 2012:

Learning to make

homemade marshmallows

'Tis the season to cuddle a sock monkey

wearing $75 worth of gift cards!

Go hard or, in my case, go home.

Happy Ho-ho-holidays!

Thanksgiving Revisited

2011-12-04T10:24:00.000-08:00

Reading the Thankerchief saying

The Eye Roll

M Bug being Thankful

Grateful Miss

Dessert and talking to Grandpa F and Oma F

Yeah for Thanksgiving!

Photo Dump Day

2011-11-30T06:14:00.000-08:00

Waiting in line at Starbucks

for hot cocoa on Thanksgiving day

The Thankerchief

Traditional Movie Viewing Position

M Bug and all his guys

watching a holiday special

Ready Set GOOOOO

Missy and M Bug ready to run

on Thanksgiving Day

M Bug went to the big football game

this past week

so Missy and I had even MORE

quality time together

She take in the jog stroller for 4.5 miles

through the cold and rain

so I made her the meal she wanted

and let her watch Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving!

Last but not least,

we had our

FIRST snow of the year

yesterday!

Bring it on winter!!!

Gobble Gobble

2011-11-23T09:59:00.000-08:00

I have a new phone! 'Again!' or 'Already!' might be your surprised reply! I know it has only been a year since the last NEW phone. This is a fancy 3G Smartie pants phone! I was feeling all smug and up to date technologically speaking. Then I saw the stupid commercial for a 4G phone and I was all "WTF I am SO behind {wail and woe}".

K's response: Do you even know what the G stands for?

Me: No... SHUT UP.

Then I was like 'eh fuck it I like my new phone'. The end.

Speaking of the EFF word. Missy's discovered this word. When asked where she heard it (knowing FULL well where or, more aptlly, from whom she heard it) she kindly furled her brow and smiled sweetly and said "from you Momma" and if she knew how to do it she might have added a DUH on there. SO I have now convinced her that if she says that word the policemen from Starbucks will come and get her... Err stellar parenting moment, right there. Regardless it works so there you go, helpful parenting advice like that. BAM!

Also, I am working on not swearing, out loud, in front of the kids any more. I said nothing about writing swear words you might have noticed.

Oh hai it is Thanksgiving tomorrow. That is like any other day in our house. We do not travel and this year no one is coming to us. Some times I feel sad about that. Like I miss the chaos and excitement of having a house full of ~~strangers~~ family members but than again... I have to say I just like our little family having our own little time without expectations or exhaustion.

I am already exhausted anyway. Who needs guests...

K and M Bug are going to the big college football game this Saturday. So I get to spend more time with Missy, I am sure she will be thrilled by that... HA. Perhaps I can teach her more foul words?

Oh yes I am excited to say that I plan to run a 5k tomorrow morning. Than I plan to eat my weight in food! That's a win-win I would say. After I've eaten my weight in food, I plan to sign my ass up for a real life honest to gawd (as in Oh my gawd I cannot believe I am doing this) MARATHON in April. Gulp.

Actually I am excited more so than nervous. I am sure the nerves will follow the excitement... hopefully it won't follow me to Louisville or through the marathon or I predict I will know where every port-a-potty is on the route from all that excitement and nerves!

I am also super excited to report that the weight loss I mention a while back that I figured was due to the stomach flu thing was not a fluke. Two weeks now and still five pounds down!! WHEW HOO!!!

I am thankful for so much this year besides the phone and fat loss and what not. I am thankful for my sweet husband and kiddos. I am thankful for my life and my health and the ability to run and run and run or else I would not feel so great about my health and life! I am infinitely thankful for my friends, near and far. I am thankful for my job even with all its high end uber super stress it affords me the ability to make a good income in a small town and the time I have desired, wanted, needed to be with my kids. I am truly blessed and amazed and thankful every moment of every day of the year!

HAPPY TURKEY DAY TO ALL! GOBBLE GOBBLE!

Perception Game

2011-11-18T18:24:00.000-08:00

I wonder how my kids perceive me, us. I asked K the other evening as we drove home from Basketball “do you remember at 6 or 7 or 10 what you thought of your parents? Didn’t they always seem old to you?!” He said ‘YES, always!’ I was thinking I never remember my parents being young or cool. They always seemed old to me. Not old like they are now but just not as young as they were… like, you know, the age I am now!

We asked M Bug what we are like to him, young or old. He said we are in between young and old! Heh.

An easy first thought is they they never liked doing what young people did, they just did old people stuff but if I think really hard I know that is not true. I started back tracking and thinking about what made them seem young in retrospect and there was a lot...

My Dad ran and liked to run races. He played tennis and was pretty good. He loved to play computer games on those early 80s computers. He took me horseback riding and his face was always in the crowd and I could hear his voice echoing across the pool when I swam. In my memories his was a deep young voice that always gave me confidence as I dove into the pool to swim. He travelled and would tell me stories about where he was and what he did. He was really into football and baseball and would sit up and lean into the television during big games. I remember my Dad and Mom dressing up for a costume party where he went as an Arab (how un-PC, right?!) and my Mom was clown (ha!) They liked to party into the night and had tons of interesting friends, artsy or geeky depending on whose friends they were hanging out with. My dad had the best office at Quadrex where he worked and everyone always seemed to like him despite the fact that he was the "boss". Part of the reason his office was so cool were the funny cartoons he had hanging up and the puzzle “games” he had on his desk! I can remember the smell of his aftershave and to do this day I think that smell would remind me of my younger Dad.

My Mom actually had cool clothes and nice heels that I remember trying on in the walk-in closet when she was not home. She never wore much make up but she had amazing scarfs and handkerchiefs that probably went out a decade earlier but I thought they were so chic. She always bought nice purses that cost a lot of money, not like the junk I carry around but beautiful leather purses with fancy names and horses on them (and the smell of the inside of those purses still lingers with me: mint and leather!) She had funky artsy friends that always took me under their wings like extra mothers and she had a knack for befriending people who loved children but did not have children of their own. She took me to amazing exhibits at museums and she was an art docent and for some reason that made her ultra cool. She got her hair colored. She drove a sports car that was blue and sleek. And while I often thought she was terribly full of herself she really had this ability to be full of life except when she was depressed which became more often as she grew older. The full of life part of her makes her seem younger in my memories; the depression makes her seem older. She was crafty and had some project or another going when she was happy. The smell of oil paint and clay under her nails brings back fond young mom memories. Finally she read and read and read (still does…) She used play tennis at the swim & racquet club and I remember them drinking and sitting amongst their peers and that memory the most reminds me of my young Mom.

I do not think of myself as old per say. Though I do get freaked out when I hear young people talking loudly using fowl language and I want to throttle that boy who said FUCK THAT loudly near my daughter. I feel pretty hip and with it. I am no fashion plate or urban hipster but that is okay. I definitely do not feel old.... And yet the fact remains no matter what age I was, I always through my parents were old then they were.

Do you ever wonder how your kids perceive you?!

Heartsong

2011-11-17T08:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I want to run away and hide from the kids. I feel like my back is up against the wall. I cannot breath and I look around and wonder WHY and HOW and WHAT AM I GOING TO DO. I feel like I am drowning because of it all. I am not sure if that is normal and I wonder how to get back to where I feel good and not so backed into a corner.

Than I talk to the mom next to me at basketball as the coach is loudly frustrated with 12 first graders and she says “oh at least I am not the only one who gets loud and yells when I am frustrated!” And I nod and agree and I feel a tiny bit better knowing I am not alone.

And I chat with my best friends in the world, girls that have been there for me through it all, and they remind me too that they yell or get mad and feel like ducking into the bathroom for a good cry but it never lasts forever.

Or I hold that little baby at gymnastics who is so content to suck on a finger and watch the world go by with a drooling warm smile and he felt so light in my arms and I remember those sweet early days before the kids could walk or talk. Those early days are a reminder of my kids then in the midst of the sometimes chaotic moments with the kids now when they hit or yell or act unruly.

M Bug’s teacher is so glowing about M Bug, how kind and well mannered and helpful he is. S who takes care of Missy tells me how helpful and kind she is during the day. So that I know in my heart it is all going to be all right. That we are doing a great job and my kids are doing well out there, in the great wide world and no one ever said parenting was going to be easy.

M Bug will still come back sometimes to me or just stop me and say 'Mom, I still need hugs' and the light goes back on, the sense of song flows back slowly, it can go away but it cannot be forgotten and we have a good long hug.

I shelve those fears and emotions that sometimes well up when I feel overwhelmed by it all for all of these reasons. I step away from the wall I have backed up into, take a deep breath and smile. Often it helps to remember I am not alone and that nothing lasts forever with these kiddos. And I go forward with a song in my heart, a whisper from those long gone babies, and a smile and laughter that fills the void and recreates the scene, always, for the better.

Musical Pace

2011-11-15T07:27:00.000-08:00

When I run by myself, I generally need music mostly because the run is taking place on the treadmill and/or the track.

I guess I generally run races with music on too. I could not understand how people could run with music on but now I do both. I have run races with and without. It doesn't bother me a whole lot either way to do a race with or without the music.

A few things about the music below. The stuff I usually like is definitely not what I like to run to. In fact I have tried running to some of the music I used to listen to back when I swam that used to pump me up like Floyd, Zeppelin, 80-90s alternative rock type music and none of that works. Now it seems like rap is what helps me run... Weird. And some pop but it has to be certain sounding pop music. Seemingly the more explicit the better!? Again WEIRD!

I do tend to find songs I like and generally stick with them so many of these songs have been played (according to iTunes) 50-100 times. Now I will say that some of those songs are on multiple play lists so they are likely being listened to during the day (obviously the NON-explicit songs) like Pearl Jam and Florence and the Machine. Most of this music is just for my ears. The little people in our house are not privy to this play list!

Anyway, as I am contemplating my marathon training schedule, I am trying to find music to add and develop this list further... it will probably look really different come April 2012 but for now this is what is working! One thing that I resisted but now I love: Wiz Kahlifa and Nicki Minaj! Heh.

Enjoy. Add. Comment.
'Till I Collapse Eminem & Nate Dogg
I Wanna Go Britney Spears
Roman's Revenge Nicki Minaj & Eminem
Black and Yellow Wiz Khalifa
Drop the World Lil Wayne & Eminem
Love the Way You Lie (feat. Rihanna) EminemStronger Kanye West
Carry Out (feat. Justin Timberlake) Timbaland
Not Afraid Eminem
The Cave Mumford & Sons
Party On Fifth Ave. Mac Miller
Cold Wind Blows Eminem
The Edge of Glory Lady GaGa
Fly Nicki Minaj & Rihanna
Bloodbuzz Ohio The National
Make Some Noise Beastie Boys
Shake It Out Florence + The Machine
After The Storm Mumford & Sons
No Love (feat. Lil Wayne) Eminem
Don't Stop (Color On the Walls) Foster the People
Skinny Love Bon Iver
Nonstop Disco Powerpack Beastie Boys
Just Can't Get Enough The Black Eyed Peas
Just Breathe Pearl Jam
Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall Coldplay
Rolling In the Deep Adele
Dog Days Are Over Florence + The Machine
Imma Be Black Eyed Peas
The Way It Goes Gillian Welch
Telephone Lady GaGa & Beyoncé
She's Long Gone The Black Keys
Little Lion Man Mumford & Sons
Movie Loves a Screen April Smith and the Great Picture Show
Look At Miss Ohio Gillian Welch
My Body Young the Giant
Fake Empire The National Boxer
Rude Boy Rihanna
Howlin' for You The Black Keys
Sway Heartless Bastards
I Gave You All Mumford & Sons
Umbrella (feat. Jay-Z) Rihanna
Baby Blue Dave Matthews Band
Boom Boom Pow Black Eyed Peas

She's No Miss Piggy

2011-11-12T19:48:00.000-08:00

Olivia is like the Miss Piggy

for new Millenieum kids, right?

Missy thinks Olivia is the AWESOME-EST.

Please take note of the book in her hand!

She also brought her Disney World

signature book

but alas Olivia only has hooves

of course...

She was disappointed about that

but gleeful about seeing/meeting her!

11-11-11

2011-11-11T19:39:00.000-08:00

I turned 38 today. If you asked eight years ago if I thought that age might bother me I might have said 'yes' and 'ohhh scary thought' but now? Not so much.

Today has been a great day.
I stepped on the scale and I weighed 126!! That is FIVE lbs less than a month ago (okay, okay I know the whole stomach flu/flu/sinus thing contributed to that... still, I lost FIVE POUNDS YAY!)
I spent part of the morning with my best friend having coffee.
I spent the rest of the morning with my sweet beautiful daughter watching her face light up while doing gymnastics.
I had the chance to go to my son's school to help his class out in the computer lab.
Then we watched the school wide Veteran's Day presentation that M Bug's class had a big part in (and made his teacher cry afterward in a good way... her son is in Iraq.)
I took the kid's to the local library to meet Olivia the pig live :)
Then the kids and I met K and some friends for dinner at Sweet Grass (yummers!)
We came home to eat Angel B's cake and open gifties
After I put the kids to bed I stood out on the back deck looking at that amazing moon lighting up the world.

Today made my heart sing.

I feel blessed and happy and lucky to be alive not just today but every day.

I still think I should I have bought a lottery ticket... maybe tomorrow.

I Could Run With a Mint Julep In My Hand, Right?!

2011-11-07T19:34:00.000-08:00

I have four current favorite shows on TV. Castle, Criminal Minds, Unforgettable, and Prime Suspect. Do you see a theme here? Also now that I have mentioned these here, they will all get cancelled.

Of course, you absolutely MUST watch Masterpiece Theatre if you dig mystery type shows. Current fav: Case Histories but, and my heart is pitter pattering just thinking about typing this, Downton Abbey will be starting up SOON. OMG. OMG. OMG. One of THE best British mystery soap opera kind of stuff... ever.

Colored my hair on Saturday. I love it. Wish I had not waited so long to do it again. It is warm dark brown or something like that. AND now I am avoiding my neighbor who also happens to be my hairdresser. She's supposed to color my hair in December but I could hardly stand the gray twiggy hair sticking out of my forehead region any longer. Plus freshly colored hair is so shiny and pretty. She can do touch up, right? I am sure she will be thrilled with my $10 hair color cure ;)

DUDE, I turn 38 this Friday on 11-11-11! I always loved my birth date because it was neat and this year? KICKS FUCKING ASS, YO.

When I fell down in the shower the other day, I hurt my knees. At first the right one hurt and I thought crap it hurts really bad but the pain seems to have gone from there and turned into an ugly brown bruise but the left one? Hurts worse and no bruise just this lingering pain and if I did too long and stand up, it hurts or if I turn a certain it hurts. That sucks...

Mainly because I am now on week two of NO running. My sinuses are still not right so I guess taking a break and getting better is good but man not running? Killing me. I just wanna run. I was supposed to run a race this weekend but I will likely not do that given the current knee/no run situation. That stinks too because I have kind of been running without a purpose and the race this weekend? Was my purpose... oh well.

I decided a few weeks back that 2012 is the year I run a marathon. I am excited (well I was till I stopped running do to near death due to flu situation... okay I am laughing about this, I know I did not "almost" die. Just to clarify, am a drama queen!) I did some checking and found a marathon on April 28th in Louisville wherein I get to run through/near/into Churchill Downs. Whatever the case, I am a total closet horse racing fanatic. I love it. I know I should not like horse racing but my whole life I have dreamed about going to the Derby. I would wear a huge gaudy hat, drink a mint julep (beer) and watch the race. This is like a one up on that. No hat, no booze but I TOTALLY GET TO RUN THROUGH CHURCHILL DOWNS! Almost as happy as thinking about Downton Abbey being on in January!

M Bug is doing b-ball and hockey. I have determined that while I like basketball nothing beats freezing my arse off at the rinky dink rink in our town. His team had their first game tonight. They lost by 10 but man my little dude played his little heart out. I love that about him. He just gives everything he does in life 100%.

I sure could learn from the boy.

Huff and Puff

2011-11-07T07:07:00.000-08:00

'I huff and I puff

and

I blow my mom down'

Yeah I have no recollection

of what we were doing here

I remember laughing a lot

and she took some gnarly photos

of me that I deleted rather quickly.

The best two weeks have been a blur.

This past Sunday we had nothing planned

We essentially did the equivalent

of nothing in our house.

It was awesome!

We need to schedule that kind of time...

more often.

Backyard 2011

2011-11-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned my distaste

for chainlink fences

and trampolines?

We get to view both,

regularly.

Oh well.

The colors are still pretty!

Fall has mostly come and gone

Theses are from two weeks ago.

Ready or not winter here we come!

Recent "Events"

2011-11-03T19:43:00.000-07:00

So I was sick the past few days. On Sunday, I ran almost six miles. I had a sore throat but this time of year between allergies and headcolds I figured it was normal. By that evening, I could tell I had a real head cold.

Monday dawned and I had a full blown head cold, stuffy nose, painful throat, itchy eyes, cough, the usual stuff. By Monday evening, I was thinking I might also have the stomach flu. I went to sleep freezing cold. That kind of cold where at some point in the night I put on the biggest heaviest sweatshirt I own AND wool socks and snuggled under the covers with BOTH dogs and I was still shivering away plus I was up and down thinking I might throw up all night long. Before I went to bed, I had taken some Sudafed before bed so I thought maybe I had a bad reaction to it.

I decided not to go to work in part because Missy was complaining that her stomach hurt and I though the hell I will just stay home and get well with her. She seemed fine all day but I just kept feeling worse, more exhausted, sickly, stuffier, just slowing down and feeling worse with each passing hour.

By bed time I thought no more Sudafed because I reacted poorly to it. Than the ice cold feeling set it in again with uncontrollable shivering. K said take some Nyquil to help you sleep and reduce the stuffiness and slight fever I was having so I did. I had to choke it down too. Sleep I did... Missy woke up in the night and she told me in the morning she was yelling for me but I did not come to her. Yeah because I was passed out from Nyquil... BAH. I do not like that feeling at all.

K got up first to shower and I know this only because when the alarm when off the first time I thought there was no possible way 8 hours had passed I was THAT tired. I looked at the clock and it read 6:52am and I was thinking CRAP I am going to be late for work. I should have known something worse was wrong. I felt completely out of it the moment my feet hit the floor. I got my toothbrush and brushed my teeth and got into the shower. I started to shampoo my hair but I think I was already losing consciousness because I remember thinking this shower is fucking HOT. So I made it cold but I was like Oh my this is TOO cold so I turned it back to warm (I think)... I just know that I was upright and the next thought I had was " I do not think I am going to make it to work today..." before I fainted. I know when I came to I was saying (shouting?) help me help me help me over and over again and K was there trying to get me up. According to him I passed out again. Passing out was like having a very good nap but in the most awkward of positions. I just know that I was mad at K for trying to wake me up which is weird now. It's all just a strange fuzzy blur.

I had to go to the bathroom and I will spare you the details on this front but I was quite ill. Like the whole time I thought I was going to be sick the two days prior well it was like passing out gave my body permisson to do this now. Which is super fun to wake up to after passing out.

The worst part about this for me: I heard Missy asking over and over asking if Mommy was okay, did Mommy fall down, etc... I felt terrible that I scared her like that even though I did not mean to obviously.

I staggered around getting dressed and we took to the kids to school/day care then we headed off to the Urgent Care place. I saw this fantastically strange little doctor whom both K and I liked but agreed he was a smidge weird (not in a bad way, more like he was science geek who decided to become a doctor weird!) He was great though. He said essentially he suspected that I was exposed to several viruses all at once. I thought I might have a sinus infection, a touch of the stomach flu and some along the lines of influenza which all combined made me feel terrible. Like a perfect storm for the human body. Awesome.

He said the reason I likely fainted had something to do with the hot water and blood going to my legs and the medicine and some non-sense like that which I could not follow because holy crap I was cold and the headache and I just wanted to be at home on my couch curled up with dogs and blankets and a heating pad. At any rate, I was sick and not like with something weird or odd and thankfully the fainting was not followed by seizure because apparently just fainting is okay but fainting followed by a seizure is bad. Just as an FYI in the future in case you happen to faint. I guess fainting followed by a seizure would have been FAR more scary then just the fainting which K said scared the C-rap out of him so there you have it.

Any who, I learned I should have gotten the flu shot. I will never ever skip the flu shot ever again. I also learned that if I am sick and if it gets rapidly worse it is better to see a doctor then not doing anything at all because dude you might faint and stuff.

Finally fainting from the standing position in a smallish shower space is very very painful. I landed on my knees and hit the middle of my back. My right knee hurt the most at first now it is my left knee. I am hoping they were just stretched out too much from a weird fall and after a few days all will be well.

I am a shitty patient. Trying to rest is hard for me. I went to work today partly because I had to but sitting around at home seemed worse... I am not a good sitter. The physician gave me Tamiflu which might be like the miracle drug of the century (to me) as I felt like a new woman less than 24 hours after taking it. I still have the sinus thing but eh... seems like nothing now.

The only issue I seem to be having is some slight memory loss. Like I could not spell the name of our street today and I had to ask K what the name of our new co-worker is who has been sitting next to me for weeks (four weeks to be exact). Sadly I am sitting here and I am not EXACTLY sure what his name is... I think I know it. Sadly this may just be normal stuff... I forget a lot of stuff normally but I am just going to blame it on being sick and fainting and what not for like a year or two, kay!?

Lessons were learned here. Namely, DO NOT GET SICK. Ever. And do not faint especially in a smallish shower space.

Happy Halloween 2011

2011-10-31T19:24:00.000-07:00

Family Halloween

October 2011

Anakin Skywalker and Missy Witch

Halloween Sibling Love

Anakin striking a pose

I think he was trying to be serious,

the smile gives him away!

Wee witch in the shrubbery

It was a wonderful Halloween had by all

M Bug had a party at school

K's Dad bought Olive Garden to go

which we noshed on pre Trick or Treating.

Then out we went to explore the neighborhood.

The weather was October perfect,

sunny and cool.

The kids had a ball trick or treating.

Hope you all had

more treats

than tricks!

Day Four: PM and HOME AGAIN HOME JIGGITY JIG!

2011-10-31T09:49:00.000-07:00

Her wish was to be famous as Disney World

I LOVE IT!

She looked so cute!

Again with kick ass seats for a parade

We were right at the start of the parade again

There was this DW guy

who knew everything there was to know

about DW

He even gave us some insider info

about the Kingdom Keepers

and Avatar (opening in 2013!!!)

Celebrate TODAY!

Parade viewing

Waving

We were so close many of the characters

came to say hi or would wink/wave at the kids.

Best parade EVA!

Hook shook M Bug's hand!

HEH.

BEAST

One last farewell until 2013...

Missy took this picture

after dinner at the hotel

M Bug took this one

my budding photographers!

We ate dinner

then went to the pool for some swimming fun

We got the kids to bed

about 1/2 hour after M Bug went to sleep

he sat up,

threw up,

cleaned up

and went back to sleep

without incident?!

Weirdest thing.

We think it had to do with a lot of junk food,

not enough water

on a warmish day.

I think M Bug and I took this one!

The next morning arrived early

Long story short

we had awesome tickets home

we were going to get home in time to

pick up the dogs from kennel

do laundry

get settled in before the week began...

Missy waiting for the bus

K saying we are all SET.

M Bug waiting for the bus

We ended up sitting at ORL airport for six hours

flying through Raleigh Durham

(brand new nice airport)

to home

We arrived four hours later then initially planned

which was WAY better than spending the night in Orlando

Delta Sucks.

My daughter totally unravelled in the airport

and my fellow passengers were kind to us

despite my daughter's massive meltdown!

We made it home and cannot wait to go again

in 2013!!!

The end.

Day Four: AK to MK

2011-10-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

Castle horse photo

Pirates!

M Bug scared witless to go on pirates

Trying to distract Missy

to get her on the ride

it did not work

K and Missy ended up exciting stage right

literally

about 15 minutes into the line

It was probably for the best...

M Bug taking a photo of me,

DOUBLE chin and all.

M Bug waited this one out

he said his feet hurt and he was thirsty

We totally saw a famous dude

I will post that photo later.

I cannot figure out what his name is...

but I will.

Sort of embarrassing I said loudly to M Bug

as famous guy walked by

"That guy is totally famous!"

His wife seemed displeased by my comment.

Heh.

K and Missy on a magic carpet ride

Here is the moment Bug lost his seventh tooth!

In line for the Speedway ride

Missing toofie #7

Dang Missy's eyes were closed

and I was driving and doing the gas pedal

plus she was nervous.

Oh well.

Speedway!

ZURG

Funny thing about these photos:

There are pictures of me

maybe a year older

than Missy

like this at Disney World

in 1977!!!

It just made me laugh

It is also my main memory of DW

at that age.

I hated it back than!

Day Four: AM (it's almost over I promise :)

2011-10-31T08:19:00.000-07:00

This photo just kills me dead.

Like a ZOMBIE

(HAPPY HALLOWEEN!)

We had like three or four maps per park

because M Bug had to have one

and because he had to have one

Missy had to have one

so I had three kids looking at maps

trying to find their way around

meanwhile direction-less me

got us where we needed to go

WITHOUT A MAP.

One thumb one thumb

Drumming on a drum

Killing time before breakfast

we did the discovery walk

and wandered around a bit in the AK

Awwww

M Bug was super amazing with Missy

he was patient and he tried really hard

to get her to calm down when she got anxious.

It was very sweet.

We were a smidge late in the game

with meals

we felt lucky to get a late breakfast

with characters at Tusker House

The good thing is we know the breakfast

and we like the place so it works out

I did want to try a new one this trip

but the timing of the other breakfast

we booked did not work out in terms of Magic Hours

Dancing in Tusker House

Mickey and Minnie ;)

See how calm he is this time!?

I love this one too!

Goofy cracked Missy UP

M Bug took the photo!

Two goofs

Traditional mickey waffle shot

Too bad Missy refused to look at the nice lady

who offered to take our picture for us

(ALSO we are total dorks...)

Day Three: AKA the longest day EVA

2011-10-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

HS Hat!

I am never very comfortable

in this park.

I know it the least

and there is not much Missy can do

at this point

but we made the best of it!

Again with the topiaries

SO want one of these!!

Missy wanted me to take this photo

with Minnie!

She was so cute about it.

'Momma you must take a picture

of me in front of Minnie, please!'

Little Einsteins

K and I decided to split up

so they could do some of things

Missy would hate

Meanwhile the plan was hit

the Disney Live Stage show

with Missy

which was cancelled TWICE

due to technical difficulties

We made due and bought ice cream

walked around checking out people

and characters.

Handy Manny

(whom I refer to as Handy...

which is weird.)

Photo pass dude mucked up

our card so I am glad I got these photos

of Missy with Pooh

She hugged him so long and hard

like she found a long lost pal!

This is the third time she met Mickey

and she was enthralled with him

as if she were seeing him for the first time!

We did finally get into the Disney Live Stage show

Missy was front row, center

and SO geeked.

At one point during the show

she sat up on my knee, turned to me,

and said "IS THIS FOR REAL MOMMY?!"

Show sign

I found M Bug looking like this.

HEH.

Scooby peeking over cracks me up!

It was getting on to be dinner time

so we headed to Downtown Disney

We made friends with a bus driver pair

she was training and he was training her

He was so kind when we ran back into them

on our trek from HS to DD

that he just decided to take us all the way there!

NICE.

We ate at our favorite location

Wolfgang Pucks

then checked out some of the stores

before calling it a night...

She wanted to dance here so she did!

We actually changed our minds at the last

moment to make a long story short

we took the world's longest trip (EPIC) from

Downtown Disney to Epcot

(by way of Old Key West)

to see the Illuminations show at Epcot

We made it barely

(we were the last one into the park

before they shut the gate)

the fireworks scared the CRAP out of Missy

to the point of screaming panic

so that I just held her trying to calm her

and we made it home at long last around 10pm.

Ahh just one more day of parks to go!

Day Three: AK to HS to Downtown Disney to Epcot to Coronado Springs

2011-10-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

One could say we got

our money's worth

from our park hopper passes

on this day!

We did magic hours at AK

to begin our third day.

We knew we wanted to do

a few particular things

done at AK.

Secretly, I love AK.

It's my fav outsides of MK.

Any who... Meeko and the kiddos.

We saw some characters early

Thumper and the kids

The boys did a couple of rides

again Missy was too little for them

We hit the dino ride for

little people

which Missy liked well enough

to do twice but then she suddenly

decided she did not like it

It was the start of a tragic downfall.

That is she did not really want to ride

any rides or do any shows

at all...

She did LOVE the giant dino

Moose Missy and her friend

This show was most definitely

without a doubt a BAD idea.

Oops.

Even M Bug wanted to leave

half way through!

Safari Ride

Elephant

Br'er Rabbit!

Camp Minnie Mickey

Donald

M Bug climbed up here by himself

and said TAKE A PICTURE MOM!

So I did and I love it!

Good idea kiddo.

We had an early lunch here.

These messages in the sky

cracked us up.

They were ehem religious in nature

I liked the LOVE one best

Those are M Bug fingers doing the peace sign below :)

We rode Kali River Rapids

not long after.

Of course Missy and I were not

that excited to do it

and I joked we would end up the most soaked

AND we did.

Heh.

Oh well.

We started to head back to the hotel

to change but than we decided

it was warm enough that we would all dry

out and headed to Hollywood Studios instead.

Day Two: MK 2nd half (like a football game but without all of the spandex)

2011-10-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

While the boys went on rides

that Missy could not go on

we bought some snacks

Mickey lollipops

and a churros for me!

Then we happened upon

the parade

so we parked near where we were

supposed to meet up

and it just so happened

we were at the START of the parade route

AWESOME!

We had a front row spot.

The characters all came over

to say HI to Missy.

FUN!

Even though Mickey's Toon Town was closed

we wanted Missy to ride the train

just because it is fun

plus we needed to get to the front of the park.

Cute pic other than M Bug noshing on a lollipop!

I wish I could have captured

the look on Missy's face

when she met Minnie

ROCK STAR STATUS.

Her eyes were so round and her smile was HUGE.

CUTE.

We waited all of 5 minutes to get into this area too!

BONUS!

We waited maybe ten minutes for the princesses.

M Bug was super nervous

about them so I did not get

a shot of Missy with Cinderella

because I was talking

the situation over with M Bug.

He wanted their signatures

without having to actually give the

book to them!

I gave it to them instead

whilst he hide behind K's leg!

Missy was fine with all of them.

However Missy LOVES Belle

and about fell over when she got

to hand her signature book to her!

This Aurora

was fantastic with her.

Actually all three were but something

about the way this one interacted with her

just touched my heart!

The Photo pass dude's camera was down

so he took this amazing photo!

CHRISTMAS CARD?!

Day TWO complete

We went to a nice dinner

at our hotel

then hit the pool for a bit!

Off to dreamland and day three!

Day Two: Magic Kingdom Day

2011-10-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

First character that morning!

We took advantage of magic hours

each day we were there

so seeing these characters

were a breeze!

This park had such cute decorations.

I do not think we intended

to stay the entire day

at MK but we did and

we were glad we did!

It was such fun :)

Two Goofys

Do you see the 2nd Goofy I am referring to?!

Daisy Ducks

LOVE THESE!

This was Missy's ride of choice

She would have done it

over and over again

Actually come to think of it

we probably should have let

her ride it over and over again...

She hated the "dark" rides.

She liked rides well enough

but umm every ride/show at Disney

is dark.

Happiest moment

Hunny pot #1

I packed a TON of snacks

and we save a lot of money with that

AM snacks were the ones I brought

typically and it worked out well

We had enough on our food plan

to last us through all of our meal services

with plenty of fun snack items

like ice cream or churros!

I love Disney because you can make

friends with your "neighbors"

Everyone is from somewhere different

and it just a neat place to be

because of that

These folks were from Brooklyn

and it was cute to see all three kids

enthralled with Dumbo!

Missy and K

I did not notice I cut Dumbo's face off

till we got home :(

M Bug and I on Dumbo!

Riverboat ride

We did this right after the Haunted Mansion

M Bug said "whyyyy did I choose this one?"

about ten seconds after we got into the

Haunted Mansion! Heh.

That night Missy had a bad dream.

She told me later that

the dream consisted of ghost

sitting on her head.

There was a ghost sitting on K's head

at the end of the Haunted Mansion ride.

Haunted Mansion

best viewed by my family

from the riverboat!

M Bug and K did this ride

and

M Bug said it was his fav

He was very brave

this trip doing a lot of things

without fear as

compared to the last two times!

These birds are everywhere

in the parks

and they just so majestic (to me!)

Tom Sawyer's Island

We spent like an hour on this island!

I think we had lunch after this in Pico Bill's

where Missy clotheslined herself on rope

She was being super mean to me and M Bug

and I told her stop doing what she was doing

and yet...

she kept at it.

Lesson learned I suppose.

Anyway, 2nd half of day 2 tomorrow :)

Epcot

2011-10-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

Day 1: Epcot (Continued!)

Inside the Nemo Ride

We rode a bunch of rides

and just wandered around Epcot.

The Food and Wine Festival thing

is the entire month of October

so there were many many booths

and seemingly ten times as many

drunken fools to see

than normal.

Also Duffy the new Epcot Mascot

Not sure I get it but whatevs...

I want a topiary like this in my front yard!

Note to self: get K topiary art classes for Xmas!

Missy and K doing the chicken dance!

We have been told by several "locals"

that Germany along with Canada

have the best restaurants

in Epcot

We would definitely agree...

apparently Canada reservations are tough to get

so we feel lucky to have eaten there last time

but Germany did not disappoint!

YUM YUM and YUM

Singing Germans ;)

M Bug and I

Golf ball & lake in the background

Sunset

The first day was the warmest by far

but it cooled off once the sun went down

which is when we called it a day

We wanted to get to bed

for a fresh start the next day!

It was a busy one.

Stay tuned for more...

Enthusiasm

2011-10-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

M Bug is a sports fanatic. He watches Sport Center like he used to watch kid's shows.

He is obsessed with football and has been rabid about the World Series because his precious Cardinals are in it (and doing poorly... wail.)

He finishes soccer tomorrow.

He moved up to Level 4 swimming (YAY!) last week.

He started a new level of basketball yesterday.

On Saturday, he will be playing on team hockey.

He loves running in the 1 mile fun run races around the area.

He wants a new bigger bike for Christmas (which Santa's bringing shhh).

His excitement and enthusiasm for sports bubbles over all of us. It is so neat to see his shining bright happy eyes when he is talking about all things sports related. A recent picture and writing assignment for school said 'I love to play football in the front yard with my Dad. It is my favorite thing.'

Lately I have been working on 'flow' and re-framing problems into opportunities and drive, desire, intensity and enthusiasm for the things I do no matter what they might be. If I do not feel like doing something or I am mindlessly complaining of being too tired, I need only look so far as my amazing child and his excitement for sports. It helps to re-connect with that inner child inside us all. I used to feel the same way he did about sports but somewhere along the way it was lost. It has been amazing to reconnect through his eyes, his experience, and re-apply that to my life! What a change that has brought in me.

I hope his excitement for sports are never stifled within him. I hope I always hear his shouts of joy over football in the front yard or learning to ride his bike with no hands or trying to run that mile faster and faster or getting a goal in soccer... it carries over into everything he does in life... it will take him far in life too.

Day One: Epcot

2011-10-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

M Bug and I

were super excited

to get a

Porthole bus!

(ME: *hoping* it is a sign of our next trip!?)

Missy was pretty excited too!

Usual Self portrait stuff

Entrance

We checked in

dropped our stuff in the room

and ran out the door straight away

to eat dinner at Epcot

M Bug could not contain

his excitement about being

at DISNEY!

K just sat as

far away from us

as possible

trying to pretend that

he did not know us...

I cannot imagine why?!

(Missy Moose and Stayin' Alive M Bug)

Look kids, a giant golf ball overhead!

First (of many) character stops!

M Bug talking to the birds

Mine Mine Mine Mine Mine

(To Be Continued...)

Post It's A Small World After All

2011-10-25T19:36:00.000-07:00

So much to say so little time SO tired.

1.) We went to Disney World this past weekend
2.) We had a fabulous time
3.) We are planning a trip for 2013
4.) I cannot wait, we will do it in October again too, a-mazing weather!
5.) Delta Airlines sucks my hiney but Henry C. is my hero
6.) M Bug totally lost his seventh tooth in line at the Speedway ride AT DISNEY
7.) That's flippin' cool (and he pulled this one all by himself!)
8.) Coronado Springs is super nice but restaurants are not my favorite
9.) I felt like Viktor Navorski from that movie The Terminal
10.) Missy loved meeting characters, her eyes were out of her head for Minnie
11.) She hates everything else about Disney (not really...)
12.) My kids totally need that pool
13.) I decided we will definitely get the pool this spring
14.) The best thing about a trip is coming home
15.) Home sweet home!

Bonus: I need to start running tomorrow STAT. I feel large and in charge after eating churros and ice cream and Tusker House breakfast oh my.

Double Bonus: I had our Parent Teacher conference today and it was super fun! Those poor teachers... again I took a full hour and ten minutes of her time but his teacher was amazing. I am such a proud mommacita right now.

Next up: Christmas shopping... oh yay.

I will post Disney Photos a little later this week

Picture Taking

2011-10-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

She helped me take this one

I love her love of photo taking.

Missy Series: Silly

2011-10-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

"Oh no"

"There's a smudge on

your camera lens, Momma"

"Hey Momma look at me!

I am standing up here

on this scary shaky deck.

No no don't worry about me...

It's NO problem Momma"

"Hey look at me,

not at Santana's butt,

I am WAY cuter.

And OH HAI you cleaned the lens

all the better to see my cuteness!

Hey YOU stop staring

at the dog's butt!

That's just weird!!"

"I like to dance Momma

Take a picture of me dancing!"

A moment after this photo

she turned around

and

shook her rump at me

and said (for real)

"Look at me shaking my rump!!!"

SOS! HELP!

Sleeping Beauty

2011-10-17T14:17:00.000-07:00

I always find it kind of

odd to take photos

of my sleeping child

after a certain age.

However Missy was so sweetly sleeping

in our bed the other night

with K's lamp on

casting a glow around her.

It was so lovely

I had to snap a shot or two.

Reading

2011-10-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

Every now and again

M Bug will get a wild hair

and read to his sister

SHE LOVES THIS.

Pumpkin Day

2011-10-13T20:11:00.000-07:00

Okay I know I have mentioned

the amazing fall we have but

here is proof...

AMAZING FALL DAY

I have a thing for barns

I love the lines
I am most fond of old ones

and red ones

and dilapidated ones

BARN!

Lake, Horse, Fall colored trees

Missy

She is wearing that Wonderwoman tee

so she is kind of bad ass

thus it is okay to sit like that.

Note to self:

teach daughter how to sit more like a lady

Fall self portrait

Friends fun

Girls

M Bug loves little R

He was trying to get R to crawl with him

It was very sweet

Whose leading who here?!

Girls

Fall Pumpkin Apple Cider Carmel Apple Day

The end.

Patch Place

2011-10-13T07:13:00.000-07:00

M Bug at the pumpkin place

Missy at the apple cider carmel apple place

Carmel apple nutty goodness

makes for..

Happy kids!

Looks kind of gnarly

but

it is so RAD.

Fall personified

Two tone

The place was really open, I just liked the sign

(To be continued...)

Shadow Dancing

2011-10-12T05:56:00.000-07:00

Chalk drawings

on a fall day

I said over my shoulder

'Missy draw a sun'

I was not thinking

that she really would

do what I said.

She did.

I thought it was very sweet.

She was too busy drawing

to have any interest

in shadow pictures

Photo taking me

and

Chalk drawing Missy

Peace

Autumn

2011-10-11T06:51:00.000-07:00

New tree, amazing color

Holly berries (or a sure sign that winter is on its way, right?)

Riiiiight.

Upward View

Coloring

Browning

The hot air balloons have a flight path

right over the trees behind our house

It's like I have been transported to Napa Valley...

Very very purty.

Backyard View

The fall weather has been darn near perfect.

I might go on record,

well my record,

and say this is the nicest fall in

the seven years we've lived here!

Trophy

2011-10-10T10:25:00.000-07:00

M Bug digs running.

He tells me one of his favorite playground games

is racing against the other kids

and who won or lost.

He likes to do the local 1K kid's runs.

Usually he gets a ribbon and snack

andsome high fives from us...

He ran the local cancer run a few weeks ago

We had to leave right away after the race

so we did not stay for the awards part.

A mom at soccer asked

how M Bug liked his trophy a week ago

Us: HUH?

Lo, the next day there was a message

about getting M Bug's trophy.

He was second in his age group

He jumped up and down

and said

"I've never won anything

so big! WOW!"

It's huge, this thing.

Not exactly sure what to do with it

but for now it is on his desk

and I've found him looking at it

with a huge smile on his face.

Oh and he is pretty excited to do the next kid's run!

Toofie Pics, Part Six

2011-10-07T05:18:00.000-07:00

I know weird extreme close-up

We have tooth book and this type of photo

works the best for it.

A little weird I know

EXTREME CLOSE-UP

which of course is gross

M Bug LOVES it :)!

Yup.

No front teeth

for his school pic

this year!

YAY.

I SO pulled that one out too

this past Sunday evening.

And I told him he is on his own

given the fact that we re-read

his tooth book

and it said I have

pulled FOUR of the six

teeth he's lost.

Oops!

In my defense, he did ask me to help

and K is too ~~scared~~ ~~whimpy~~ kind

to help him out with his loose teeth.

M Bug can mad whistle now

through his no front teeth

and he can totally sing that

All I want for Christmas are my two front teeth

song this year for the holidays

'cause he will be getting 'em!

Spidey-(wo)man

2011-10-06T05:00:00.000-07:00

So I was standing in the kitchen

and I looked over at Missy coming up the stairs

and she was wearing the Spiderman costume.

She then proceeded to watch

most of FETCH!

(best show on TV for kids and maybe adults too!)

with this on.

Cracked me up.

Zen Spider-man

I love that M Bug was totally unphased by this...

She did finally take it off.

Three

2011-10-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

It was party central this past weekend.

Three parties.

We celebrated first, third and fourth birthdays.

I took pictures only at the first party

mostly because it was the first birthday

and I knew the parents would have their hands full

with family and the one year old and what not.

Missy was playing so well with our friend's daughter, H.

They were hysterical together

and sat at that little table for like 40 minutes

playing dolls and mini bowling.

***

The parties were all super fun!!

As tired as we were at the end of the weekend,

it was well worth the adventure each one presented!

Well done to each set of parents!

***

Also, Missy let me give her "PARTY HAIR"!! :)

U8

2011-10-04T08:14:00.000-07:00

Soccer Practice Scrimmage Practice thing-y.

Total Soccer mom speak right??!

Football... Aww I love the Europeans.

They are cute.

They were doing drills here.

He just soaks up how to play better.

That boy in front of M Bug

is in Grade 2

He seems so tall next to my first grader!

Cone.

My little sponge

This train captivated all 20 fields of kids playing soccer

and when the end of the train came

you could literally hear every field say

there goes the end!

It has been lovely this fall.

I cannot decide if I like spring or fall soccer better...

The sunlight is so purty in the fall

but it is cooler in the fall

but less rainy in the fall

by a little bit

the colors are different in the fall

but spring means summer is coming

not winter...

Right now fall is winning by a hair!